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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 11:56

where does dad live??

divorced/kicked out men often can only afford bedsits or one bed flats.

diddl · 13/04/2013 11:58

But the GF isn't a stranger to the child's father-who is also in the bed with them!!!

Wallison · 13/04/2013 11:59

There are lots inappropriate things that people do with children that may not bother the child because they just accept them as normal, even if they are not in their best interests. I would say that sharing a bed with a parent's girlfriend falls squarely into that category.

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 12:01

but wallison what if the child is put in his own bed...but still wanders in in the middle of the night??

after all op has made him crap at sleeping properly

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 12:01

The op has said that her ds has had sleeping problems and struggled settling when they split up, does she need to say more

He is 4 you need to take things slowly he has a lot of confusion going on, the father relationship with his gf is just that his relationship it takes time to build let it build slowly the fact her ds said something i front of them both is telling why did he mention it

My ds mentioned it within a few minutes of coming home why because somethig about the situation was unsettling him

Wallison · 13/04/2013 12:01

The DD wasn't bothered either way, WorryLiberty. We discussed it between us and decided that it was the right thing to do. It wasn't 'great lengths' either - it only involved moving a bloody bed.

Wallison · 13/04/2013 12:03

^but wallison what if the child is put in his own bed...but still wanders in in the middle of the night??

Then the girlfriend can go and sleep in his bed. As I said, plenty of parents do this - it's pretty normal to have a bit of 'musical beds' going on.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 12:03

The op has made him crap at sleeping properly really how do you come to that conclusion what a bitchy nasty thing to say

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 12:03

Well it's been an hour now since the OP started this thread asking us to 'please help her'.

I think until she comes back to clarify a few things, the thread's just going to go round in circles.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 12:04

And likely to get more and more ridiculous...

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 12:05

yep!!

well this co sleeping fad people indulge In is clearly a rubbish idea in these situations! and why should 'musical beds' be the norm anyway?? I have 5 dc and it never was.....

janey68 · 13/04/2013 12:06

'There are lots inappropriate things that people do with children that may not bother the child because they just accept them as normal, even if they are not in their best interests.'

.... and from the father's perspective, the mother encouraging the boy to co sleep with her, to the extent that he cannot sleep happily alone, is perhaps one of these things. He has told her that she is the one who can change this (and I don't see how anyone can argue against that... she has control the vast majority of the time) It sounds to me as though he doesn't have a problem with co sleeping per se, but that if the mother is going to encourage it and then complain about the consequences, then she is not acting in the child's best interests.

If parents separate, they don't have the right to control future relationships of their ex. The OP needs to think seriously about whether she wants to encourage the boy to feel secure sleeping alone. And barring contact from his dad is categorically NOT acting in the boys best interests - that's downright cruel and confusing for him

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 12:08

Do plenty of parents boot their DPs out of bed and put their children in their place? I've never done it, if one of my children is unsettled in the night and it's my turn to deal with night time dramas I would settle/ lie with my child in his own bed. I certainly wouldn't expect my sleeping DH to move.

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 12:10

me either Bruthas

this is a 4 year old who presumably will have school routines to soon contend with,if not already. time to get tough

MTSgroupie · 13/04/2013 12:10

I know that it is double standards but I think that it is inappropriate for a guy to share a bed with his GF and HER young DC. But I don't see why it is inappropriate in your case. It's not as if they are having sex in front of the child.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 12:12

yes the longer the op stays away the more people can pull apart her parenting ffs

you have no idea what was going on for the op, ex and their child when the split happened you have no idea what else is going on in their life or if the ex is a responsible father just because he sees him every week. he may well be but we just do not know

Bridgetbidet · 13/04/2013 12:13

Yes, you need to start getting him sleeping in his own bed.

I think you are being a little unfair because you have created a situation where he can't sleep alone but you are now objecting to him sleeping in the same bed as the GF.

If he slept in his bed at home but you might have a point, but as sleeping with an adult is the norm you are being rather unfair on them insisting that he isn't in the same bed as the GF but not doing anything to resolve the root of the problem which is the fact that he can't sleep on his own.

From the POV of your ex and his new GF if you are not doing anything to help him sleep on his own the YABU. Because you are basically condemning the GF to sleeping on the sofa every weekend or them having nights of no sleep and hell nights every weekend simply because this is what is convenient for you because you don't want to deal with him not sleeping alone. It's very unfair.

And stopping or curtailing visits because of this is bang out of order. You can dictate what goes on during contact if you feel it's putting your son at real risk which I don't think this is. Sorry, but it really does sound like you are bitter about his new relationship and trying to cause trouble/exert control.

worsestershiresauce · 13/04/2013 12:13

If I was the GF I would be doing everything I could to get your dc comfortable with sleeping alone. I would not want to share a bed with someone else's child. TBH I'm not keen on sharing with my own!

TheYoniOfYawn · 13/04/2013 12:15

My parents divorced when I was quite young, and I have a very clear memory of being around 8 or 9 and waking up from a nightmare and wanting to get into bed with my dad and his girlfriend for a snuggle, but my dad said no, that it wouldn't be appropriate. As an adult, I understand why he did that, but as a child, I felt really sad and lonely and unwanted. My dad made the wrong call that night, and I've never forgotten it. Unless there are other issues you haven't mentioned, it sounds as though you are making the wrong call too.

saintmerryweather · 13/04/2013 12:15

Perhaps its time you taught your son to sleep in his own bed.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/04/2013 12:16

I wonder whether everyone would be as accepting if it was a full time dad, sending his 4 year old daughter off to her mums, finding out she was shang a bed with the mums boyfriend.

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 13/04/2013 12:16

at some of the responses. Fuck sake its a kid sleeping in a bed with his dad. Deal with it, you have him in your bed 6 bights a week so obviously he will want to be in his dads bed.

Stopping him seeing his dad for this reason is wrong.

squeakytoy · 13/04/2013 12:18

wonder what would happen if a parent and new partner took a child camping.. should the child sleep in a separate tent?

OHforDUCKScake · 13/04/2013 12:18

She didnt stop him seeing his dad though to be fair.

OHforDUCKScake · 13/04/2013 12:19

Squeaky when families go camping do they all sleep on the same air bed then?

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