Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

[Toddi]

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

pumpkin she may not have any choice

I know women who have been put in hospital by their ex's, the children have been subjected to violence too and the courts still allow them to have access as they have proven that they have changed and show remorse it is a very frustrating system

she may also fear what he will do if she stop access it is not that easy

But if she has no choice but to allow contact why wouldn't she want a 3rd party present at all times? I know I would unless there are concerns that the GF is also violent?

well she stopped access easy enough today!!

op...is the access court ordered?

Yay let's be simplistic about stopping access...

Exactly what FS said, that's the truth of it

Cant believe what FS said is true & if it is how awful that these violent men can be allowed such access at a risk to their own children. Sorry op if this is the case, but surely you could apply for supervised access if he poses a risk?

Pumpkin you don't know the half of it - sorry I understand not everyone does know this stuff happens but there is a massive bias to awarding contact in the most dreadful of situations

With the back story, OP I can see why you posted this and of course, YADNBU. It sounds like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Were there any legal dealings around the split and contact? If not, there needs to be for your son's protection.

Yes, it can be the case that a violent parent is allowed contact, which is why the OP needs to focus on that issue.

don't worry mandragora I know what you mean......been through court myself with a violent and abusive ex......fought very very hard and he was awarded ZERO contact. I realise this is rare

it is true

I work in a domestic violence unit it is very true. the ss try to maintain a relationship with the violent partner and once they feel they are no longer a threat to the children he will be given access the rp has no say in the matter that does not stop them worrying or living in fear

occasionally with a violent father/mother the contact is cut though it does happen

I'm still not understanding the connection between the child's father being violent and the child sleeping in a bed with the father and his DP? The OP seems to want the child to spend his contact time alone with his father, if the father is violent why wouldn't you want another person there to observe?

Well done HSS. Bloody well done...how did you manage it?

That's awful FS
You would think the courts would see the child's life more important than the father/child relationship...

good for you HSS and shame on the system that you had to fight so very hard for this

the approach is terrible changes need to be made a violent parent is not a good parent it will always harm the child

maybe she wants them to build a relationship, the little boy has had a terrible time she wants him to focus on her son when he is there that's all we know she has bigger worries

It's a contradiction though Freudian, the last thing most parents who are worried about their children's safety want is for a violent parent to spend loads of time alone with the child.

she wants the ex to focus on her child, she does not want her son confused he has been through so much

come on you can see she is in a very difficult situation trying to do the best in something so awful I doubt this is really her biggest worry do you

Fair enough Freudian but the OP would've got much more sympathy, empathy and useful advice had she posted about her worries about sending her child to her violent ex. Making it about the new GF co-sleeping was ridiculous. I'll bow out now, all the best OP.

Why in earth is your biggest worry his girlfriend? And where she does or does not sleep?

My ex used the court arena to show his true colours.... Hence no contact. Section 91(14) which my cafcass officer had to plead for.

But now, 7 years on, I have facilitated a relationship between them, cos through it all he is their blood, their family. He's no longer a threat.

I think its a even more valid reason when relationship violence is an issue.

Abusers very rarely cease to be abusive when they move on to a different relationship its just the victim who changes.

I must say I would feel exactly the same as you. I would not like a girlfriend co-sleeping with my child. Whether it's reasonable or not a matter that could be argued. I'd hate it. I agree with he should not be co-sleeping with somebody who is not part of your family.

If his dad got married next week, his gf would become family - she'd be the boy's stepmum. But she wouldn't be a different person - just her title would have changed, and she'd become family.

But she still wouldn't be the child's actual parent.

Neither is an aunt or grandmother, but I doubt that the same level of fuss would be kicked up over an insecure four yr old sleeping with either of these on an overnight.