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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 14/04/2013 10:38

I would be shocked if any of my children's none parent relations did it.

freddiemisagreatshag · 14/04/2013 10:46

Sock - my eldest is 23 my youngest is 11. So that's a 12 year gap. When DD2 was 4 DS and his mates were big teens 16/17/18

Youngest and her sister (who is now 15) have regularly joined in sleepovers with their brothers and mates.

Even camped in tents in the garden with the "big boys" looking after them.

It never occurred to me to be concerned.

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/04/2013 11:30

Sleeping in tents with brothers and sisters would not be an issue for me.

Fleecyslippers · 14/04/2013 11:35

OP it is very odd, especially given that they don't actually live together. There is no reason for her to be staying over and sleeping in the same bed as your child on the one night that he has contact with his father.

Having said that, given the history and the violence, it may actually be safer for your son if she IS there. The Exs mask may not yet have slipped so he will still be putting on the 'perfect father' show in front of the GF.

My Ex is not yet allowed overnight contact with the kids, following an assault on one of them. The children themselves do say that he is much better behaved when OW is there during daytime contact. I am not 100% convinced that she WOULD protect them if he did hurt them again - she certainly hasn't shown that she has their best interests at heart thus far BUT I have to hope that her presence helps him keep his issues in check.

If you maybe try on focus on the GF being an extra layer of protection for your son ? If you already have trust issues with how he cares for him, maybe focus on the fact that abusive men do all in their power to prove how much of a liar/psycho etc the ex wife is and they would NEVER ever have hit them or their child - so they keep up a perfect facade for the new GF.

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/04/2013 11:51

Oh yes,they keep it up until they start beating them as well.

freddiemisagreatshag · 14/04/2013 11:56

Sorry Sock I obviously misunderstood your point.

differentnameforthis · 15/04/2013 02:13

If you had a partner, would he still sleep beside you? If your answer is yes, YABU.

You have created this, you let him sleep in your bed, so he sleeps better with somebody now. You can't expect your ex (on the one night he has him) to spend half this time trying to settle an upset child when they all know that taking him into their bed will be quicker.

exoticfruits · 15/04/2013 07:01

The problem is that he is used to co sleeping and you can't expect him to not do it elsewhere. The answer is to get him to stop at home and then he will stop at his father's house.

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 15/04/2013 07:31

I can understand why you feel that way but YABU. Adults have to move on and have new relationships. Your son is feeling insecure, has developed a sleeping habit/need thst is temporary, and has a legal right to know his father - you have no right to stop that happening except for very good reasons: jealousy (understandable) of another woman temporarilt taking your "place" for a short time is not a very good reason.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 15/04/2013 10:33

'You have created this' sounds very accusatory DNFT. Like most children don't sleep better with an adult?

I'm guessing that many of you advocating allowing the girlfriend of the father to co sleep with the OP's child have never been in her situation. Or if you have been, you didn't really want this to happen either.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

What should be allowed however is different to what the OP wishes were allowed/not allowed.

IMO saying that a child who sleeps with his mother at home, ought to be allowed to sleep with a stranger when away from home for one night a week - I'm not talking about its father but its father's girlfriend, which is very different - is a little like saying that when someone's husband goes away on a business trip, he should have access to a random female sleeping companion 'just for one night' because he might be lonely otherwise.

These things are intimate and private. Sleeping next to your own baby is one of the most intimate and priceless things in the known world.

To allow your infant, or small child to sleep next to a stranger is totally counterintuitive to most rational people. I would put money on that. And on that basis it should not be allowed to happen.

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 15/04/2013 11:11

OP, I'm guessing that the current situation is court ordered? By keeping your son away from his father (and I'm so sorry if you have indeed been ordered to make him go to a dad with such a history) for something which obviously will stick in your gut (your child co-sleeping with his new partner) you could risk a shit-storm I court, unless you have very very good reasons to not want the GF in the same bed...and if you do, then I would think logically you'd not want the GF to even be in the same room. The reason of it feeling wrong (and I do understand) and disrespectful to you may not be seen as a good reason by a judge.

Can your DS sleep on his own at night, or would he kick up a fuss because he doesn't like being a lone? If he's kicking up a fuss at being alone at night and only stays one night a week at his father's home, is it really reasonable to expect your son to have to do something completely different because you don't like the idea?

Your Ex sounds like a completely unpleasant person....is he likely to use the courts as an extension of his previous abuse if you rock the boat?

I really would tread very very carefully. Only you know the complete situation, so ask yourself this every time you make a decision regarding parenting time and your son: if I do this will my reasoning be seen as categorically being in the best interests of my child, or will it be seen as me being an obstructive parent?

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2013 11:56

If your son will only co sleep and refuses to sleep alone, what exactly do you expect his Dad to do?

Wallison · 15/04/2013 14:34

Floggingmolly, there are several things that the dad could do, none of which involve a stranger sleeping with his child. He could share the son's bed. Or the girlfriend could sleep in the son's bed, or on the sofa. Or she could just not stay overnight on the one night a week when his son is there. It's not as though she is welded to him at the hip and has to be everywhere that he does.

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