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Original poster

Ex has let his girlfriend to sleep beside our son

213 replies

Toddi · 13/04/2013 11:04

Please help me...really needing some advice with this one. My ex partner is letting his girlfriend sleep beside him & our 4 year old son. I think this is so inappropriate, totally disrespectful. My son always had sleeping issues & ended up beside me & after split & moving to New house he sleeps better beside me. Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion but he's blaming me, saying all my fault, because I've let my son sleep beside me. My ex only sees his son one day/overnight on a Saturday. Today, I've decided he shouldn't sleepover & made an excuse. What do I do? What should happen next weekend? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Llareggub · 13/04/2013 14:22

My DS is 4 and sleeps in my bed from time to time. We co-slept and he still breastfeeds, although it is tailing off a bit now.

Anyway, I separated from his father last year and my new chap has been around for a long time. We were friends years ago and over the last few months he has stayed overnight. We've ended up with my son in the bed most times he has stayed and we are all fine about it. My DS loves having a man around. I'd hate to think that anyone would find a normal relationship inappropriate.

That said, I haven't told my ex husband. Maybe I ought to after reading this thread.

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 14:24

I think this is the suspect sentence Mandragora

Last week, my son said in front of his dad & me that he slept beside them. Have told my ex my opinion..

Ex is ex and then there's a 'dad' mention and then ex is ex again..

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 14:27

yuck....he calls another man 'dad'!

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 14:29

Mandragora you've lost me completely with they might have sex while the child is present. If they did that they would be abusers and I think we can agree that that's a whole different issue from the one the OP is facing. Had the OP said "my ex and his GF are having sex while my 4 yr old child is in the bed. What should I do?" There would've have been a consensus on stop contact and phone SS and the police.

Also not seeing why it would be more likely for a parent and a new partner in a seperated family to have sex while the child was present than the two parents in a together family? Or do you think a mother and father shouldn't jointly co-sleep with their children in case they any control themselves Hmm

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:29

Yes I agree that that sentence is confusing however I think she is referring to her child's dad as his 'dad' and not her new partner, if she even has one.

I may be wrong
we don't know for sure

But that's the principle I was going on anyway fwiw. That she doesn't have, or mention, a partner herself.

If she is sharing the bed with a new partner and her child then that changes things a bit

anklebitersmum · 13/04/2013 14:29

I asked for qualification early doors on thread Soul. OP has gone AWOL it seems..

StillSeekingSpike · 13/04/2013 14:30

'And yes it is possible that people will be intimate in a shared bed when a child is present. Not necessarily the case but possible.'

So surely this is an argument against ALL co-sleeping- unless the other adult gets out of bed? Would you be happy if your ex told you that you couldn't have any boyfriends for 6 nights a week just in case you end up having sex in the same bed?

IneedAyoniNickname · 13/04/2013 14:30

I took that sentence about the dad to mean his dad, as in biological dad, the ops ex.

Sometimes I refer to ex as ex, and other times dcs dad. Never occurred to me it might confuse people Blush

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:32

Bruthas please see my latest post.

I think a lot of people are assuming the OP has a partner too who is allowed this privilege while her ex is IHO not

I was coming from another angle

I also don't consider that sex while a child is asleep in the same bed is police worthy, however it's obviously not ideal

But people do it.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:34

Still, I wasn't saying no one should sleep in a bed with a child, just that when people do, there may be intimacy and ifthe OP was concerned about that then it is imo a legitimate concern

I am hugely pro co sleeping and have done so with all of my children till they were about 4-5 so far

FreudiansSlipper · 13/04/2013 14:34

I would not worry about the ex and his gf having sex with ds in the bed at all

what concerns me is the need for the ex to play happy families, but it only recently occurred to me that he has missed out on this as well as I have even though it was his decision

oh well ds again did not want to stay at his dads last night encouraged him today and for the ex to have a bit of time just the two of them is that being controlling well in some eyes yet but who else is going to speak for him and ds will not say that to his dad he just comes home and gets upset

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:35

obvs we don't know if he would be sleeping 'with' the GF with the child in the bed, we cannot know that. But OP might have reason to think so iyswim

Not trying to be provocative here, just stating my thoughts

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 14:37

Honestly do people, who aren't abusive, have sex in a bed with their sleeping children beside them? I've heard of it with small infants but not children. How would it not be a child protection issue?

maddening · 13/04/2013 14:39

If your ex is Co sleeping safely your ex should be in the middle between the gf and son anyway.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:40

I don't know the ins and outs of the law on this but I imagine if a child is asleep they won't be aware of proceedings.

Obviously if awake that's a different matter entirely.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 13/04/2013 14:43

The thread was only started 3.5 hours ago, OP may have gone out for the afternoon.

ifancyashandy · 13/04/2013 14:44

I don't have children. Many of my friends do. I've babysat many, many, many of these kids, often overnight. Some of them have come and found me and climbed in beside me in the night. Like human limpets some also.

Those who find the idea of sleeping next to another persons 'abhorant', what would you do in this situation?

janey68 · 13/04/2013 14:45

A child could wake up though. I don't think co sleeping is an issue at all. Engaging in sexual activity in the presence of a child most definitely is.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 13/04/2013 14:47

Not defending it Janey. I just thought the OP might be concerned about that, is all. OTOH she might not.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 14:49

Mandragora - no, I didn't for a moment think you were defending it! I was just astonished that anyone could genuinely think it was ok, given that a child could be asleep one moment and awake the next, and the adults might not even be aware

Ezza1 · 13/04/2013 14:50

Without knowing full circumstances its impossible to comment imo.

My ExH went straight from my bed into his mistress bed and had our DCs overnight within a week of leaving. Oldest DC was 3 at the time, youngest newborn. 3yo was unsettled on returning and told me he had been sad at daddys in the night, I told him if he felt sad again to go and wake his dad up - he told me he tried but couldnt go in as OW was there. He was immensely confused by the situation so I was livid but remarkably kept my cool and sorted it with ExH in a civilised manner. That was 12 years ago and although half the time I want to twat the cunt I never do Grin and we are able to amicably parent our DCs.

What I'm long windedly getting at is sometimes situations regarding contact need tactful approach on BOTH sides, even if it puts the other partners nose out of joint initially. Children come first and if a new partner is not happy to adapt then they arent keepers and the relationship is doomed from the off.

BruthasTortoise · 13/04/2013 14:54

Ezza where has it been mentioned by anybody that the new partner isn't willing to adapt? It seems to be the OP who isn't willing to adapt.

Gingersnap88 · 13/04/2013 14:56

This has happened to me.

When DH and I moved in together (1 bedroom flat at first, we couldn't afford more, but did have a sofa bed) the ex said that she would only allow overnight contact if my DH slept on the floor in the living room while DSS was in the sofa bed.

Who the hell was she to decide where myself and DH sleep? Did she honestly think we'd be having sex in front of him? Or at all?

So stupid and vindictive. Don't be like her.

I wasn't very comfortable with it but between the ages of 4 and 6, DSS would often end up in our bed in the middle of the night. I was uncomfortable because I knew his mum would go mental and stop contact.

As soon as we could afford it, we moved to a 2 bed, and I encouraged DH to take DSS back to his own room and give him a cuddle in bed there if needed.

What I'm trying to say is I know it must be really painful for you, but as long as your DS is happy and comfortable then there's nothing to worry about. Forcing him to sleep on his own if he isn't used to it will be worse for him.

You cannot stop contact because something has upset you unless it's a serious danger to your child. To do so is to use your son as a tool to hurt your ex. You have no right to do this, you need to put him first and not yourself.

DSS is now 7 and we've had years of trouble where his mum stops contact because she's angry at DH (when I got pregnant, when we moved in together, whenever he refuses one of her crazy demands...)

Ezza1 · 13/04/2013 15:01

BruthasTortoise I mentioned that as some have said its 'only one night' and the general consensus is that the dad has the right to contact. YES he does but if this is a new relationship he is in or has only just left then HE needs to be sensitive to the child's needs first and foremost and the gf needs to adapt accordingly.

AuntieStella · 13/04/2013 15:05

We don't know how long since the split up, nor that the 'GF' is a new arrival on the scene. It's quite possible that she's a cohabitant of a couple of years, familiarly to the DC (if not to OP), and that e sleeping arrangements there have evolved over time and contribute to the DC's sense of security.

But OP will still need to consider when co-sleeping is to end. Before he goes to school? And when that point is reached, she and XH will need to work together to ensure that the change is effectively managed in both households.