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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so upset by local tragedy?

23 replies

Namechange9987772 · 12/04/2013 20:42

Deep breath...this is identifying, so I have namechanged. Long time regular poster, pombears, bat, etc.

This is such a horrible problem to be having, yet so trivial next to the big issue. Please be gentle.

A local child was killed recently in my area - the parents are on trial at the moment. She was only three. It's really horrible.

We used to live in the same street as the family did. Not at the time of the baby's death, but we had our DD1 when we lived there, so it is really close to home. We now live in walking distance, and so do most of our friends, so obviously there is a lot of shock.

My 3yo DD is at nursery, but it is only today that I noticed that the nursery is connected to the case.

The nursery has two branches - the baby's mother worked at one branch and the baby went to the other - the same one as my DD goes to now.

Obviously, I know they will have safeguarding in place, and I also know that sometimes these things fail, and the child was allegedly killed by her own parents so it isn't the nurseries fault.

I don't even know what my problem is. I think that the same people who look after my DD looked after the little girl who died. She apparently had some longer term injuries, that they must not have noticed. The mum worked at the other branch (they aren't very far apart, different sides of a small city) and the staff sometimes cover shifts for each other.

It's just such a horrible thing to even have happened. When we lived in that street, DD1 went to that nursery. Did DD1 get looked after by the mum? I know DD is fine, it doesn't matter, but... it is just so upsetting.

I don't even know why I am posting. It is just so close. We never lived in the same street at the same time as the family, we never had a child at the nursery at the same time as the little girl, but if we did, would we have noticed? Could we have done anything?

Next door smoke weed and have a baby, and sometimes I hear shouting there. Should I report that? I don't think they smoke weed when the baby is there - I think just the dad lives there and the baby only visits for the odd night.

The picture they are showing in the papers is really similar to one we have of DD1 that was taken while she was at that nursery. It is probably really similar to millions of nursery pictures, but I can't stop looking at it.

The poor little girl :-(

OP posts:

everlong · 12/04/2013 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 12/04/2013 21:03

I think I know the case your talking of, or at least I hope it's the same one and their aren't 2 such cases in the media at the moment.

I can understand your worries and things I think anyone would feel the same.

Original poster

Namechange9987772 · 12/04/2013 21:03

i feel like I want to take DD out of the nursery, but that would be over reacting, wouldn't it? Or would it?

OP posts:

MikeLitoris · 12/04/2013 21:06

I read this story in work today and had to stop as it made me cry.

I had a really strong reaction to it and I live in a different country so can only imagine how it feels being so close to it.

crashdoll · 12/04/2013 21:08

I also think I know the little girl in question and YANBU to upset. It's tragic. :(

YoniRanger · 12/04/2013 21:11

You probably are overreacting but I don't blame you.

I live up the road from Machynlleth and its taken me months to take DD swimming there again and when I do I'm the most overprotective helicopter ever.

It's irrational and unfair but I'm only now shaking the feelings of sadness and fear.

LegoAcupuncture · 12/04/2013 21:11

YANBU, it's an awful thing to have happened.

A few years ago I lived really close to a tragic case involving a baby being murdered. I had a new baby as well and was terrified the same was going to happen to us. The mother claimed her house was burgled and they'd killed her baby. DH worked nights at the I've and I couldn't sleep. It turned out to actually be the mother, didnt help how I felt as then I felt I should have been able to help the mother who had MH issues.

You need to try stop thinking about the "what ifs" as your dd is perfectly safe and with you.

thebody · 12/04/2013 21:14

It's what makes you human and is called empathy op.

I know from my own experience of a national tragedy( but thank god not through malice) empathy and love from strangers and friends alike is wonderful.

Thankfully cases like the one near you op are rare, thank god.

Xxx

HairyGrotter · 12/04/2013 21:14

You have empathy, I study Criminal Behaviour and you can't help feel something. YANBU because it is SO close to home. It's not always bad to feel, but as long as it doesn't affect your day to day life.

Original poster

Namechange9987772 · 12/04/2013 21:16

Yeah, even if they could have spotted that the child was being abused, my DD isn't being abused, so there is nothing to spot. I don't think they could be neglectful, they seem really nice, but it is still horrible. Especially since the mother worked for them too.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 12/04/2013 21:16

Don't take your child out, that would be overreacting.

Having said that, being a mum, is there such a thing as 'overreaction' to something as shocking as this.

As a calm person not involved, the people who killed that child will not be involved with your child. Your child will not come to any harm by being there. You know that really.

This situation is so emotive, there is no right answer, only the right answer for you and your child.

Original poster

Namechange9987772 · 12/04/2013 21:25

Yeah, I know my child isn't at risk. It just feels like I should do some kind of, I dunno, magic, to stop my baby getting hurt.

If the child hadn't been killed, my DD would have been playing with her today, most probably.

Good God, imagine being one of the nursery workers. Knowing one of your class had died, and one of your colleagues is on trial for it.

OP posts:

Quak · 12/04/2013 21:29

I would say that there is a huge overlap between your life and the tragedy you are talking about. You have a daughter the same age and your emotions have been hijacked by how close this is, both in location and personal contact. I would be more surprised if it wasn't affecting you deeply. Since having dd I find myself overwhelmed sometimes by stories of children suffering. Not that I didn't care before I became a mother, but now I feel suffocated by the possibility that anything bad could ever happen to my child.
I don't know how you would best cope with this but I would think that taking your DD out of nursey could potentially be disruptive to her. If you have any doubts about the nursery then do what you have to but unless you have any concerns for her when she is there you might just have to come to terms with your feelings and find a way to distract yourself when this anxiety becomes too much. Remember, your child is safe, loved and has a mother who will protect and care for her. No harm will come to her.

Regarding the situation next door - call NSPCC for advice and be vigilant now that you have noticed and felt that there is something to be concerned about. From what you describe it would be hard to have anything to really report, but anything you do report will be taken seriously. Maybe even more so at the moment.

I know the story you are talking about and I hope you can start to separate your little girl from the poor little girl who died.

mumtolilh · 12/04/2013 21:29

If you feel this way that's your choice! I would be upset too! :-(
Sounds bloody awful! I get upset when things happen to kids on the other side of the world! I don't know what I would do if I worked there...shocking! X

IneedAyoniNickname · 12/04/2013 21:31

Yanbu to feel how you do. Like you say, It's close to home. A little girl from my home town died recently of cancer, her condition was in the national papers,and even though I didn't know her personally I cried buckets.

thebody · 12/04/2013 21:36

Op am not going to hijack thread but will point out that what happened to my dd triggered a very difficult time of anxiety and terror over both her and my other children's safety.

Please just be aware of this and try very very hard to get this into perspective. Things like this are very rare.

Beware anxiety as it creeps up on you.

WouldBeHarrietVane · 12/04/2013 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 12/04/2013 21:51

Imagine!! They must be feeling so very bad, mustn't they?

EmmaBemma · 12/04/2013 21:58

You are probably being unreasonable in the strict sense of the word but your reaction is completely understandable. I think it's more worrying when people are able to sail blithely on without being affected by such horrific events.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 12/04/2013 22:01

I think its understandable that you feel that way, I think I would too. How must her colleagues feel though. That poor poor little girl.

Finola1step · 12/04/2013 22:16

I think that what you are experiencing is very natural. I had a similar reaction to a death of a child a few years ago purely because when the trial was being conducted, my own son was the same age as the boy when he was killed (and they looked a bit similar). It's right to feel sad for that poor child. And it's ok for it to have hit you so hard.

OhDearNigel · 12/04/2013 22:20

Child abuse cases are just awful, I have one currently on trial where the little boy would probably have been another Baby P were it not for a very astute health visitor's 6th sense. No matter how hardened you are, the abuse of children, especially toddlers, hits you so hard even if you're only on the periphery. I came home today and had a cry snuggled into my little girl. I wish I could erase the photographs from my mind but I will never forget them as long as I live.

Please don't worry about the nursery not picking up on the abuse - these parents are skilled at pulling the wool over child welfare professionals eyes, let alone nursery staff.

Have a cuddle with your dd and don't be embarrassed to feel upset xx

Ledkr · 12/04/2013 22:25

I remember feeling g the same about James bulger. I had A ds the same age and that was my only connection so hid knows his you must be feeling. I just couldn't get my head around what he went through and thought about it constantly.
It did pass eventually but it's so horrible.
U think its a shame we al feel so shocked by the strength of our feelings about cases like this because they are probably very rational feelings to have.

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