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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to visit my friend

17 replies

Throughgrittedteeth · 12/04/2013 12:45

I was supposed to go and stay with a friend I haven't seen for a while tonight. DP has been away for 10 days visiting his dad and was due back yesterday but his flights were both delayed and now he won't be back until this afternoon and will have been travelling for 24 hours.
Aside from the fact I won't have seen him for 10 days I don't think it's fair to leave him with a teething toddler (DS 20 mo) after such a long journey.
I have text my friend (she's at work so i can't call) and she has now got the hump. If he had got back yesterday as planned I'd have gone no problem. So AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Throughgrittedteeth · 12/04/2013 12:45

I should add that I did tell her this could happen last week..

OP posts:

StephaniePowers · 12/04/2013 12:47

It's pretty short notice isn't it? SHe's probably disappointed.
Do you do this a lot?
If so, I'd imagine that regardless of the circs she's just fed up.
Why did you commit to it if it was dicey anyway?

LadyVoldemort · 12/04/2013 12:49

Could you suggest she comes round to yours? It would disgruntle me if my friend let me down short notice, even if it couldn't be helped. She was probably really looking forward to it.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 12/04/2013 12:50

I'd still go, I assume you live with your DP so will see him lots more than you see your friend? Friendships need work and commitment too and should be valued. Why isn't it fair to leave him with a teething toddler, it's part of what comes with the territory of parenthood.

livinginwonderland · 12/04/2013 12:54

i see where you're coming from, but if i was your friend i'd be a bit pissed off too. you can see your DP tomorrow or afterwards, and you've had plans with your friend for a while. it's a bit rude to cancel just for that.

Original poster

Throughgrittedteeth · 12/04/2013 12:54

No I never do this, despite have DS I try very hard to make an effort with her as she has high expectations with all relationships and I value her friendship.
We arranged it before he had booked his flights (last minute).

OP posts:

Original poster

Throughgrittedteeth · 12/04/2013 12:55

I just meant it wouldn't be fair be aide of all the travelling and jet lag he is likely to have.

OP posts:

Original poster

Throughgrittedteeth · 12/04/2013 12:56

*because

OP posts:

Original poster

Throughgrittedteeth · 12/04/2013 13:01

Thank you for the replies btw I think you're all probably right. I'll see how he is and play it by ear though.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 13:03

Don't jerk your friend around with your playing it by ear. You canceled already. Apologize profusely, reschedule it.

StephaniePowers · 12/04/2013 13:08

I wish I'd got a grip of this sort of thing from the beginning.

You made an arrangement.
Your partner then scheduled in some travel and is late.
It is up to him to make this work for you. He should be thinking about it and getting childcare organised so he can get over jet lag.

Original poster

Throughgrittedteeth · 12/04/2013 13:13

We've rearranged. DP is very considerate and to be honest I'm second guessing how he'll feel. Never happened before and won't happen again, he had to book the flights very quickly (family emergency) not the point really though I know. It's sorted now, I'll make sure I don't mess her around again.
Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 12/04/2013 13:15

I don't blame the dh because it sounds like it was an emergency visit to see his father. Op realized early on that she might have to cancel. She should have made the decision much earlier than the day of.

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2013 13:18

Why are people being critical of the OP? She's trying to cope with a situation and her friend sounds high maintenance. If her DP has had a family emergency and has had flights delayed and will have jet lag, it stands to reason she will want to be at home when he returns.

Heinz55 · 12/04/2013 13:20

My former best friend will have nothing to do with me these days because I cancelled so often and - in her opinion more to the point - nearly always by text when I had a small child and she had none. Now that she herself has children she doen't seem to have the same problems (mother and dh were reluctant to babysit so I could go out with single friends!), anyway I was equally miffed that she had so little understanding of my difficulties that we didn't speak for years. Having clarified it all recently she still doesn't want anything to do with me which isn't too big a deal but my point is that SHE was hurt that I wasn't making more of an effort to see her - which is how it looked to her and maybe to your friend too??? But IMO YANBU and she is!!!

HerrenaHarridan · 12/04/2013 13:41

God you lot sound like hard work.

Op I wouldn't care if you cancelled last min especially I'd you'd already warned me.

A text should be followed up by a phone call explaining properly and rearranging.

Surely real friends don't hate you forever if you have to cancel social plans.

Would be different if she needed you and you'd promised to help out

DoJo · 12/04/2013 20:59

I'd be annoyed but completely understand under the circumstances if I was your friend. If my husband had been dealing with a family emergency and travelling non stop for 24 hours I think I'd want to give him a break rather than insisting that he organise childcare and going out. I might have cancelled speculatively a bit earlier on, but if I hadn't it would have been because I was really trying to make it work, and if she doesn't understand the situation then perhaps you could promise to give her more notice in future if you think it might happen to show that you are considering her feelings.

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