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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want him to man up?

29 replies

morgan1981 · 09/04/2013 12:15

First time poster, b/c i need some advice!not really sure what to do :(

I've fancied someone at work for ages, we have been together a few times and now I've found out I am pregnent. We talked and agreed to have it 'taken care of' (his words he is a bit of a ladies man) and I agreed b/c i was worried about what people at work would say but I am already 32 and tbh i have been wanting a baby for ages but i am scared at how he's going to react

OP posts:

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 09/04/2013 12:17

So you want to keep the baby? If that's how you feel then you should not give the people at work a 2nd thought. It is NONE of their business however by the sound of it, you should be aware that this man does not sound like great Dad material..but people sometimes change. If you go ahead do so secure in the knowledge that you can cope alone....then you won't be bitter if he fails to step up.xxx

Sugarice · 09/04/2013 12:18

Do not be pressured into anything you don't want.

Do you have family/friends you can talk to?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 09/04/2013 12:21

He doesn't sound like great dad/ boyfriend/ partner material. You can want him to man up all you like but it doesn't sound like he's going to.

LoganMummy · 09/04/2013 12:23

Please don't rush into anything. You need to think about what YOU want. By all means take his opinion into account but this is your decision.

DaemonPantalaemon · 09/04/2013 12:32

Go ahead and have the baby if that is what you want.

BUT

Please don't come back to Mumsnet a year from now complaining that he does not want to see his child.

Sure, you can chase him for child support. But you cannot make a man who does not want to be a father into a father.

Go into this with NO expectations of his role, and you will be fine.

Good luck.

oldraver · 09/04/2013 12:34

Take him out of the equation (as at this moment it sounds like he wouldn't be any support anyway). Decide what YOU want to do, not what he thinks or your workmates, they wont be around at 3 in the morning when a potential dc is crying.

This is about you, and your possible child. If you want to go ahead do so, if you dont, then dont. If you are leaning toward going ahead with the pregnancy then I would be thinking that you would be on your own, then go from there

oldraver · 09/04/2013 12:35

Of course if he eventually decided to be supported that would be brilliant, but just dont count on it

currentbuns · 09/04/2013 12:36

I agree with Daemon

yaimee · 09/04/2013 12:39

If you want to keep the baby then that's what you should do but don't expect anything from him, just let him know what you plan to do and let him make his mind up about whether he is going to be a part of your Childs life or not.
This is what I did and unfortunately I've heard nothing from my sons dad in the two years since I told him. But that was my decisions and I'm happy with it.
I have a lovely little boy who is very happy and I manage quite well without his father.
My son deserves more than a father who doesn't want to be there and so I will never be chasing him to be involved.
It's a personal decision and one that you should take your time making!
Good luck op.

hairtearing · 09/04/2013 12:41

Why do people continue have unprotected sex with ladies men? or genuinely shitty people with no morals.

I'm sure if you want to keep the baby you will be a good mum and I'm sure you mean well, and will do everything in your power to give the child a good life.
But it seems people are more choosy about what they eat then where they put other parts of their anatomy and children are born into these crap circumstances.
I say this as a teenage mother who endured all kinds of stigma whilst being on the pill and good relationship.

mmmuffins · 09/04/2013 13:24

I am afraid I agree with hairtearing. I suspect this man will not step up and be a responsible interested parent, and therefore I do not understand why you would want him to be the father of your child. It must be so sad for children who go through life knowing that one of their parents does not care about them.

Gigondas · 09/04/2013 13:29

Agree with pan.
Also I would go and have a look on lone parent board to get some idea of what life may be like.

Of course having a child is a joy and you can bring kids up as a single parent so they are in a happy loving good environment.

But it is hard and will be harder still if you have a father who is not interested in the baby . Not only do you not have the support of another parent (albeit one you may not be with) but I doubt it will be that easy to get financial support from him (I know you can apply to CSa etc but getting it paid is another thing).

You need time to think on what it means to have a baby in situation like this as it will not be straight forward.

hairtearing · 09/04/2013 13:33

Wow, wasn't expecting that, I've got my extinguisher ready for the flaming.

CloudsAndTrees · 09/04/2013 13:35

You can't have an abortion because of what people at work would say.

If you want your baby, have your baby. You have a job to return to after giving birth, so you will be able to support yourself and your child. No one can think badly of you for doing that, but they will think very badly of him if he is trying to pressure you to terminate against your will.

Gruffalump · 09/04/2013 13:37

Sounds like you're the one who needs to man up!!

No offence, but you are captain of your own ship.

Do what you want to do, let him know what your plans are and whether or not he wants to be involved is up to him.

TheOrchardKeeper · 09/04/2013 13:37

was in this situation 3 years ago & now have a DS who I love to bits but has no contact with dad and no CSA etc.

Yes, you'll get the odd comment or look but it's your life & your body. You do what you want or you run the risk of regretting it & maybe not having another due to age etc (not saying you won't definitely, just that if you do have an abortion you need to prepare yourself for that possibility & be ok with it).

It's a horrible decision to make so I hope you're ok & have a good support network around you as well as MN.

You should also prepare for the possibility of him 'dipping in and out'.
Look at the Lone Parent board. Some men feel to guilty etc to cut ties totally so pay the odd bit of money here & there or see them every now and again but aren't actually interested. Just be aware of that as a possibility.

Whatever choice you make, make it for you & the baby, not him or your workmates.

Lueji · 09/04/2013 13:37

Definitely decide what YOU want.
Consider practical and emotional aspects for you, but not how he is going to react or what people will think at work.
But, as other's have pointed out, don't expect him to be a good father either.

TheOrchardKeeper · 09/04/2013 13:38

*too

LessMissAbs · 09/04/2013 13:38

Why do people continue have unprotected sex with ladies men? or genuinely shitty people with no morals

This.

So YABU for expecting him to "man up". Don't expect anything from him. Its not as if he was pretending to be anything he wasn't, or in a relationship with you, or planning DCs.

HairyGrotter · 09/04/2013 13:41

I fell pregnant with a man who had no interest in being a father, my DD is 4 now and he has stood by his word, and I am very content with our situation.

If you want the baby, continue with the pregnancy, but remember you will be doing it alone. Once you have the baby, inform him, then continue as you are. It's hard but so very rewarding, as long as you have no expectations from the father, it's all rather plain sailing.

TheOrchardKeeper · 09/04/2013 13:42

(if you go ahead with the pregnancy then just focus on your baby & getting through the first year in one piece. Leave him to it & he'll either come around or he won't. Nothing you do or say will change that & if you try it'll only drain you of energy you could be putting towards yourself/baby. Just a head's up as I know how tempting it is when you want them to give a shit & they don't. It is never worth it. Hope you make the right decision for you & good luck.

P.S It's not all doom & gloom if you do keep the baby and have to do it all solo. Again, have a look at the Lone Parent board)

harleyd · 09/04/2013 13:44

he has made his position clear. you need to make your decision, let him know what it is, and then get on with it. do whats right for you, but be aware that you will likely be doing it on your own

ChocolateCoins · 09/04/2013 13:45

If you want to keep the baby, you shouldn't care what any one else thinks. Do you have friend and family support?

Fairylea · 09/04/2013 13:48

Good god does it matter what people at work think?? In a years time... or even a few months time... you probably won't even know who they are anymore. It really doesn't matter at all. If you start looking for another job now they might not even find out.

He doesn't want to be a dad. You know that. So it's up to you what you want to do.

Booyhoo · 09/04/2013 13:51

he is perfectly entitled to not want to become a parent. just as you are. would you accept anyone telling you to woman up if you choose not to have this baby?

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