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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my grandmother should pay?

30 replies

CheerfulYank · 08/04/2013 22:48

This will probably be long, sorry in advance!

Some back story: my grandmother has 4 children. My dad is eldest, then Uncle 1, Uncle 2, then my aunt. Uncles 1 & 2 are well to do, my dad and aunt are not.

My grandmother is also quite well off. When my grandfather died she sold his business at a huge profit and also has some investments that she cashes in from time to time. She's also extremely tight, so she doesn't spend much. Also she is quite forthcoming about the fact that she is leaving nothing to any of her DCs or us, so she's not saving for that! :)

Anyway, in recent years she's become ill. She sold her house (again at a profit) and moved to another state to be closer to my aunt. She is no longer allowed to drive, which means that my aunt and uncle drive her everywhere, keep track of her appointments, etc. (My aunt has six children, the youngest of whom has multiple special needs, and three jobs.) When they bring her anywhere my GM has "requested" that they not bring any of the children with them because "I just enjoy your

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Original poster
CheerfulYank · 08/04/2013 22:50

I don't mean go make her sound like she's a burden. :( She is my lone remaining grandparent and I love her very much, but she's really extremely unpleasant to be around and very entitled. It's just hard.

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TomDudgeon · 08/04/2013 22:51

I agree she should but she doesn't sound like she's going to
Could uncle 1 send that money to your aunt instead?

Hassled · 08/04/2013 22:52

She should absolutely pay up. She sounds like a nightmare - your poor aunt. Who in the family would feel able to tell her that, though?

And out of nosiness, who is getting the money if not her children or grandchildren? It's some charity for spiders or something, isn't it?

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 08/04/2013 22:53

That's what I said, Tom. It'd be nice if Uncles 1&2 could send my aunt the money directly; she wouldn't dream of using it for anything other than travel expenses. I also said DH and I can pitch in but she won't hear of it.

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BeaWheesht · 08/04/2013 22:54

Hmmm well honestly? Being ill isn't an excuse to be horrible.

Your aunt should say she can't go unless her mother pays . End of . Stress your dad could meet her off a train / plane if need be.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 08/04/2013 22:54

I don't know Hassled! She says she intends to use it by then but having seen her haggle over a $2 telephone at a yard sale, I have my doubts. Hmm

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Floggingmolly · 08/04/2013 22:56

Of course your Aunt shouldn't have to scrape the money together! They're doing your grandmother a favour; if anything; she should be paying them some sort of carers allowance.
Your Aunt has three jobs and still has to do all this running around? Hmm.

Your Granny sounds like an entitled old biddy.

BeaWheesht · 08/04/2013 22:56

Oh and actually I think it's really important someone does Stand up to her, your aunt is entitled to a life too and it doesn't seem like she has mug of one right now. If your aunt won't say something who would?

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs · 08/04/2013 22:56

Omg she sounds like a nightmare!

I am sorry she is having health problems but if course she should pay, esp as aunt is already taking a week off.

Ruprekt · 08/04/2013 22:56

She sounds awful.

She should pay and your aunt should stand up to her.

Levantine · 08/04/2013 22:59

Why does she need your aunt and you dad? Honestly, 70s is not that old these days, this could go on for a long time. It sounds as if she is bullying you all

sjupes · 08/04/2013 22:59

If i was your aunt i'd remind her i'm taking time off work losing money, being away from my own children all to take her to an appt that she wants to go to - if she isn't willing to pay for gas at the very very least she's not driving her.

I'd expect gas, hotel etc to be oaid for if it was my family.

Levantine · 08/04/2013 22:59

your

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 08/04/2013 22:59

Uncle 2 (lives in yet another state) has quite a temper and has said he will fly out asap and tell her to knock it off. Also she will "behave" around my dad, she just treats her DD like this because my aunt is a damn saint she can. :(

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BeaWheesht · 08/04/2013 23:02

In that case your uncle and dad need to stop it on her behalf NOW. Seriously, they're enabling it by not doing anything and she has to live with this the majority of the time.

Have been in a similar situation and against people's wishes I stepped in. It was a shit thing to do but it was the right thing.

breatheslowly · 08/04/2013 23:09

If no one is willing to confront her (and there does come an age where confrontation is a bit pointless) then the second best option is for your uncle to pay your aunt's expenses directly. There is no need for your grandmother to know about it.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 08/04/2013 23:14

That's what I think too Bea. Uncle 2's direct quote is "we need to just gang up on her and tell her it's enough of this shit!" My dad will tell her off about small things but she mostly behaves around him and my aunt isn't really a complainer, so it's just recently that we've all become aware of the extent of her nonsense.

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CiderwithBuda · 08/04/2013 23:22

Let uncle 2 say his piece. She behaves this way because she can. And because she is allowed to.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 09/04/2013 04:35

I think we will. Uncle 2 is the only one to really confront her about things like incidents from their childhood. She was not an abusive mother but as I said, she just has never liked children.

Apparently they left today (GM and aunt) and my aunt insisted that GM give her one of her credit cards so she could fill up with gas as needed. Because my GM will literally sleep through, or pretend to sleep through, entire car trips to get out of paying. Hmm

I talked to my mother this evening and after the summer's over (she'll be my parents' responsibility June-August) I guess we're going to discuss getting a driver with her, or moving into a smaller place with carers. My aunt shouldn't have to shoulder it all!

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FriggFRIGG · 09/04/2013 08:55

I agree.
Being old and ill is no excuse,she's very lucky to have family that are willing to help her,especially given her attitude.

I vote you (as a family) let the uncles say their piece.
Hopefully it'll get through to her.

WishIdbeenatigermum · 09/04/2013 09:10

I don't mean go make her sound like she's a burden.
She sounds like one! Just because she's old and their mother doesn't excuse her form the normal rules of society. Your Aunt, who sounds like a saint, really shouldn't feel bad at all for stopping the 'running around, having to park her kids to visit and help' malarky.

youmaycallmeSSP · 09/04/2013 13:38

YANBU. She sounds nasty and spiteful and unbelievably lucky to have a daughter like your aunt. I agree that she needs to be told by her sons that her behaviour is inexcusable and also that her four children need to work out a sustainable long-term solution.

CleopatrasAsp · 09/04/2013 13:45

She sounds a right manipulative old baggage! I think it's high time your dad and uncles put a stop to her imposing on your aunt.

prettybird · 09/04/2013 13:49

If she's in huff, well, hell mend her.

If she wants help, then she needs to get out of her huff, accept that her daughter is already doing her a huge favour by taking precious time off work and pay the gas costs.

Otherwise she can make arrangements to make her own way there.

As is often said on Mumsnet, "No is a complete sentence".

Your aunt should not feel guilty and should not be expected to "scrape the money together".

Your grandmother is being a leech - sorry for the harsh words - and the rest of the family, instead of pandering to her, should start to set boundaries.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 09/04/2013 15:02

"Manipulative old baggage" is a perfect description, unfortunately, Cleopatra. She was never a warm sort of person, always had a bit of bite to her iyswim. My mom and Dad were married at 18 and are 53 now, and my GM still occasionally acts as though my DM is a temporary annoying girlfriend. Newsflash, Grandma..,she isn't going anywhere! Hmm

My grandpa sort of tempered her a little while he was alive (he was always good to all of us but he definitely Took No Shit) and her behavior has gotten increasingly worse since he died about a decade ago, and especially since she's been ill.

I guess they're going to suggest she get a driver and my Dad and Uncles 1&2 will tell her this and back my aunt. And apparently the other day she was complaining about my aunt and Uncle 2 said "you'd be in a home without her, so a little bit of gratitude maybe!"

Sigh. Families eh?

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