Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to think he could have helped

25 replies

pukka84 · 05/04/2013 07:10

So today I am taking our 3 dc on holiday. 9, 7 and 6 months. Dh joining us monday eve as can't get day off work.
I spent last night finishing off packing, sorting some admin and putting dc to bed. Dd 3 didn't settle till 10pm and I eventually hit sack at 11pm.
Dh didn't even think carry suitcase I left at top of stairs down. So I am now having to load the car myself too.
Now I know I couold have been direct and asked for help but Aibu to think he could have actually offered or just got off his backside and helped.
Just got downstairs and found he didn't even put dishwashe on when he finished his dinner.
Sorry have to vent.

OP posts:

saintmerryweather · 05/04/2013 07:14

What was your dh doing while you were doing all that?

BeckAndCall · 05/04/2013 07:17

You're me, OP. your DH sees you coping admirably and getting on with stuff and doesn't want to interfere. He assumes that if you need help you'll ask and that otherwise he'll just be in the way. Don't know how that applies to the dishwasher thing, but it really does! So annoying, I know.

I'm more years into it than you - I advise you to speak up now as it won't change!!

LindyHemming · 05/04/2013 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 05/04/2013 07:24

He probably thought that was the case you packed for him.

"your DH sees you coping admirably and getting on with stuff and doesn't want to interfere."

You're flattered that your husband is a lazy shite? :o

We're you born yesterday? That's the oldest trick in the book.

phantomhairpuller · 05/04/2013 07:24

Are you married to my DH?! Drives me up the bloody wall, though I'm sure it's not deliberate!
Have a lovely holiday

YoothaJoist · 05/04/2013 07:27

It is deliberate. These men are taking the piss. Nip it in the bud before bitterness and resentment set in.

Iaintdunnuffink · 05/04/2013 07:30

I would have been extremely sarcastic and demanded he helped. You haven't packed his stuff, have you?

Imnotaslimjim · 05/04/2013 07:33

My Dh used to be like this, now I'm just straight with him "I'm doing this, can you do that please" or "I need you to do X before you go to bed" You're never going to change him, so it really is easier to be more forthright and lead him a little

BeckAndCall · 05/04/2013 07:50

Did I. Sound flattered, AThing because that wasnt what I was trying to get across. I was trying to advise the OP to nip it in the bud.....

woopsidaisy · 05/04/2013 07:50

For flip sake!!!!! He is a lazy shite.

DH would have been helping with everything. Without having to be asked. He would just automatically get things done. Be it looking after the kids, packing or whatever. And he would definitely have put everything in the car ready for today.
I'll bet you did pack all his stuff.

woopsidaisy · 05/04/2013 07:52

And when I first met DH he used to try to get me to pack. I didn't do it. I will certainly run through everything with him to check he has it all. You let him away with this one though.

woopsidaisy · 05/04/2013 07:54

Gah! I'm trying to swear less, hence the flip. But I ruined it with the shite!

HollyBerryBush · 05/04/2013 07:57

It really isn't difficult to say "you do the dishwasher whilst I pack" followed by, "finished! carry the bags out can you?"

If you can't communicate basic needs then you need a whole new look at your relationship.

VinegarDrinker · 05/04/2013 07:57

Just ask. Not sarcastically or passive aggressively, just as someone else said "I am doing X, can you do Y". Or "would you rather do X (eg put the baby to bed) or Y (pack)"

Yes, he should offer. But hey, you married him. You must know if he is always like this.

maddening · 05/04/2013 08:09

Start delagating.

Longdistance · 05/04/2013 08:27

My dh is like this. Bone idle, and a lazy toad to boot.
I never pack his bags as they'd be empty. He's a grown man of 41, so can bloody wel do it himself.
Although, he packs them last minute, and always always forgets something and I become rather smug when he has to go out and get what he's forgotten.

Original poster

pukka84 · 05/04/2013 09:19

No i have never packed for him. Had his own flat before we wed so not always like this.

OP posts:

teacherandguideleader · 05/04/2013 09:24

I grew up with a mum who would never ask for help, and would then shout at me for not helping. I always used to tell her that sorry I hadn't realised she was struggling and she should have asked me for help. Her reply was always that she shouldn't have to ask.

I vowed that when I was older if I ever needed help I would ask, rather than wait for someone to help. If someone then refuses, be annoyed but you can't be annoyed at someone who hasn't helped if you haven't suggested that you need any.

undercoverSAHM · 05/04/2013 09:31

IKWYM I have been married for many years and have always loaded the car. I often ask DH to help but he doesn't get round to it and I have to do it myself if we are to leave on time. Same with the lawn, the bins and all the other traditional "male" tasks (oh, and the female ones). Try to change your DH now: it is symptomatic of taking you for granted I am afraid. Yes, your DH may be working long hours but that doesn't mean you are the general domestic servant 24/7. You had had a hard day too.

PS You are lucky your DH put his plates in the dishwasher. Mine can't even do that - I come down to his supper stuff out on the side in the mornings.

chris481 · 05/04/2013 15:08

It's almost certainly not whether he thinks he should carry the suitcase, but whether he's even registered that it exists let alone needs carrying. I'm usually totally concentrated on whatever I'm doing at the time. My brain doesn't run a background task monitoring my environment for opportunities to help other people. Multitasking is always unpleasant, and doing it every waking hour would make me miserable. If someone were regularly angry with me for not doing something for which my brain had no trigger, in effect being angry for no reason that I could/should do anything about, I'd want them out of my life.

In short, you don't even begin to have a reason to complain until you have asked for help.

Andro · 05/04/2013 15:40

YANBU at all.

chris481 · 05/04/2013 15:40

I would never expect anyone else to proactively detect my problems and solve them. (Although DW sometimes does.) I generally won't ever ask for help if I can reasonably avoid doing so.

I am frequently asked by DW to do things for her and her friends that I would never ask anyone to do for me. (I do what she asks.)

I think most people are naturaly inclined to do for others what they would expect others to do for them. Men are more self-sufficient than women. That means they are inclined to expect less and do less, which can make them look selfish to women. (Well to women who expect them to behave like women without being asked.)

(Obviously the last paragraph is a generalisation, and I realise it is a heresy to suggest there are any differences between men and women, don't bother reaching for you flame-thrower, I'm slamming shut the door on my bunker as I type...)

DoJo · 05/04/2013 16:14

How was he to know that there weren't things you wanted to add to the suitcase before taking it downstairs? That's the kind of thing I would do and my helpful husband would take the suitcase down so I would have to wander out to the car in my PJs with an armful of last minute bits and bobs. Ask him - he might be secretly seething about something he thinks you should have done that you are blissfully unaware about!

Original poster

pukka84 · 05/04/2013 21:58

His plate was in the sink not the dishwasher. I had loaded everything else.
Sadly he seems to have the attitude that his days work ends when he gets home work.
Fair point though about me maybe having to add stuff although i didn't.

OP posts:

Iaintdunnuffink · 05/04/2013 23:16

I know when I'm going on holiday then work backwards from there. I plan and work out what needs to be done and when. Then make sure it does all get done. I can do all this working with, or without another adult. It's almost like I'm self-sufficient.

My husband has the same basic skills, so we work around each other and both do things to get out the house and into the car, with everything we need. He could do it all without me.

Flip