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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS with Ex husbands family.

23 replies

gtedder1 · 01/04/2013 18:32

my ex wants to take ds down to his mums house for 5 days. Ds is 1. I haven't really spent much time away from my son. Ex has him on the weekends. But as it is easter holidays and ds cousins are off school, ex wants to take him down to see the family. I just feel that ds is so young to be away from me for 5 days. plus he will be taking him 91 miles away from home. I can't help but feel uncomfortable with the idea. maybe if it was just for couple of days, i would feel fine but i am jus not sure they will be able to handle ds at such a young age without me there. His dad will be at work during the day, so for 3 of those days, ds will be spending the day with his grandma, aunt and little cousins. Shud i be ok with this?? I just feel worried about it.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/04/2013 18:34

I wouldn't be ok with it but its only you who gets to decide if you are ok with it.

And both of you who get to hash it out.

CSIJanner · 01/04/2013 18:34

What is the contact agreement? Is it verbal or curt ordered?

CSIJanner · 01/04/2013 18:34

*court

Sianilaa · 01/04/2013 18:37

Could you negotiate one or two nights max? 5 nights at a young age is long time and I wouldn't be happy with that.

Original poster

gtedder1 · 01/04/2013 20:37

CSI" - no court order. Just a verbal agreement between ourselves.

Sian I have tried speaking to him about just doing a couple of nights and that wen he's older, he could stay over more nights. But my ex's argument is that it is the holidays and that for half of that time he shud be with me and the rest with him and his family. He is planning to take him over there next weekend.. which is fine by me, as he usually has him on the wkends anyway...but then from monday till wed, he will be leaving ds with his mother while he goes to work. He also argues that when i left him, i took his son away and that he does not see him for 5 days a week and that all he is askinge is for 5 days out of the 365 days a year. which doesn't mke sense anyway, cos he does see ds every week for two days.. sometimes more.

OP posts:

Catchingmockingbirds · 01/04/2013 20:40

5 days is so long at that age I think, would he be willing to go for a couple of days instead, maybe on the days where he won't be working?

squeakytoy · 01/04/2013 20:41

Sorry but I do think you are being unreasonable. You are both his parents. Would you be happy taking him away to your family for 5 days? and have your mum (his other grandma) spending time with him? I assume so, so your ex should have the same sort of entitlement.

HighBrows · 01/04/2013 20:42

Honestly if your ex and his family are decent I'd probably say yes to this.

McNewPants2013 · 01/04/2013 20:45

Do you not trust him to have the baby for 5 days.

VinegarDrinker · 01/04/2013 20:46

Does your DS know his Gran/Aunt? If so I think you have to suck it up although I would be anxious too, it does feel a long time when they are that small.

shesariver · 01/04/2013 20:48

You havent said what you are worried about?

Kyrptonite · 01/04/2013 20:51

I think YABU. Why shouldn't he have him for a few days? It's 90 miles, he has as much right to have him for a few days as you do.

Original poster

gtedder1 · 01/04/2013 21:18

well my worries are that, he will be leaving ds with his mother who is very elderly. it may be too much for her to handle him. ds does not know her. i think they are a decent enough family but ex is not decent. ( history of domestic violence). but i am ok with ex having ds for longer periods of time as i know he is good with him and he is his parent. i am just worried that his mum, however, will not be able to tune in to his needs.

I also would not leave ds with my family at this age. my mum has actually told me, she wud not be able to cope with looking after him for longer periods of time. she can handle a few hours of babysitting but i have never left ds with my family over night or anything.

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 01/04/2013 21:24

I think that if he doesn't have a relationship with his family then yanbu.
If your ex and his family are familiar with your DS and he wouldn't get upset then yabu.

But how do you know how he will react?
I think you should remind your ex that visitation is for the child's benefit and it should be a gradual increase in days/nights to make the transition easier for your son.

Do you think he has had some pressure from his mum/sister? Because if he will be working all day then after the weekend he won't be seeing his son that much will he? It's not for his benefit is it?

VinegarDrinker · 01/04/2013 21:25

Can your ex not take some annual leave? How elderly is the mother and will the aunt be around to help? I wouldn't be crazy about a 1 year old being looked after for 3 days by strangers (to him) either tbh.

mumofweeboys · 01/04/2013 21:25

I would talk to your ex. I can see where he is coming from about not seeing him for 5 days himself. I would explain to him your more concerned about his mum not coping as your own mum said she would struggle. Perhaps speaking to ex mum would help put your mind at ease.

Original poster

gtedder1 · 01/04/2013 21:33

i have spoken to ex mum.( she is 70 yrs old, to the person that asked).. and she said that she would be happy to have ds stay with her but as long as one of his parents is also there as she feels that ds does not know her.

ex is doing it for ds benefit as he wants ds to get to know his family. i have suggested a slow transition into that with one of us there but he is being stubborn and wants to do it his way.

i guess i am just goin to have to trust that ds will be ok during his stay with ex's family and that it won't be too much trouble for them either.

OP posts:

DameFanny · 01/04/2013 21:36

Sounds like your ex isn't doing this for anyone's benefit but himself.

McNewPants2013 · 01/04/2013 21:40

I would compromise and only say yes if he books the time off from work.

MamaBear17 · 01/04/2013 21:49

I wouldnt be able to let my dd stay away from me for that long. She is 20 months. She is staying with my mum for two nights later on this week and I am already feeling a bit 'meh' about it. They are taking her on a lovely day trip so need her to stay the night before because they have an early start. They wont be back until late so it will be easier for her to stay the night at their house. It seems like the longest time to me! I think you are perfectly reasonable to say no to five nights.

squeakytoy · 01/04/2013 21:54

What gives the mother more rights than the father? He is perfectly reasonable to request it. His sister and the childs cousins will be there too.

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/04/2013 22:00

On the basis of your last few posts I change my mine, you should probably stand firm during the hashing it out.

squiddle · 01/04/2013 22:04

I would not agree to this. A baby needs to be with the primary carer - and any new childcarer needs to be introduced gently.

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