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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not difficult to be nice to your children?

90 replies

slatternlymother · 01/04/2013 17:08

Some of the threads/comments I've read this weekend have been horrid. People making their kids cry over April Fools 'jokes' have been the tamest.

Not only on here, but I was in Sainsburys on Friday and there was a mum absolutely screaming at her toddler dd, who was in tears. I wouldn't normally bat an eyelid at someone dishing out a bollocking, but she was almost out of control.

Seriously, is it the lighter evenings and shock of extra sunlight?!

I'm not the most patient of people by any means, but it's not hard to be nice.

My dad used to say horrible things to me:
"Shut up you little bitch"
"How are you so fucking stupid?"
"Get away from me"
"Stop eating or you'll end up as fat as your mother"

You never know what'll stay with your children and what won't.

OP posts:
yaimee · 01/04/2013 17:15

I don't think the lady and get husband who made their dc cry with the April fool did anything nasty, they pretended that they'd won some toys, and when their dc realised that they hadn't and was upset, they went and bought him some. I don't think that's likely to scar the child, mire of a funny story to tell future girlfriends.
I try to keep in mind that I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the lives of people I see shouting at their children, even though it sometimes upsets me.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2013 17:16

Just because you are fertile doesn't mean that you should reproduce, not until you have at least tried to work on yourself. The problem is that people are in denial about how they really are, or the harm that their behaviour does. Excluding MH problems, which hopefully the family is getting support for. Some poor parenting cannot be excused, it isn't mandatory to have children.

yaimee · 01/04/2013 17:16

And yes, for some people it might be difficult, people with pnd for example might struggle.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2013 17:16

Just because you are fertile doesn't mean that you should reproduce, not until you have at least tried to work on yourself. The problem is that people are in denial about how they really are, or the harm that their behaviour does. Excluding MH problems, which hopefully the family is getting support for. Some poor parenting cannot be excused, it isn't mandatory to have children.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/04/2013 17:17

I know what you mean.

Some people do tend to treat their kids in ways that they wouldn't dream of treating their boss, or their gp, or some random person in the street...

My question is why, if you wouldn't treat the above like that, are you treating your children like that.

answer - cos you can and nothing will happen to you.

My mum sometimes slapped me across the face, just cos she was in a mood. eg - I once walked across the room close to her glasses. Not on them, not over them, just in close proximity. I got a slap. My dad once yelled BITCH at me in the street because I didn't want to give him a kiss on my way to (junior!) school. I could give a hundred other examples that have stayed with me.

I don't buy the frustration as an acceptable reason argument. In life, many people frustrate us and these same people bite it back because they don't want to rock the boat, daren't say anything , don't want to cause a fuss... but your kids are fair game. cos you can call them a little shit or cuff them round the head or slap them across the face or tell them they're nothing and useless and there will be no consequence for you.

Well, no immediate consequence. Wait until they grow up and see what they think of you!

quesadilla · 01/04/2013 17:18

YANBU. I like to think I have a near zero tolerance policy with casual, throwaway cruelty to children, and am by my own admission judgy towards people who lack the self awareness or self discipline not to realise they are inflicting harm on their children. People who think its OK to scream at their kids, call them stupid or ugly or worse, shouldn't have had them in the first place.

There are mitigating circumstances for occasionally shouting at kids or being irritable with them (being desperately hard up/suffering from PND are two examples that spring to mind), so I try not to assume everyone who shouts at their kids is a monster. But people who routinely verbally abuse children aren't fit to walk the earth, IMHO. Judgy and proud of it.

Original poster
slatternlymother · 01/04/2013 17:20

yaimee no, I'm sure the lady in the supermarket was stretched to her limit, but to scream that hard? The little girl was sobbing, and I normally am very 'meh' about parents going a bit nuts at their DC.

We've all had one 'fucking hell, that's a bit far' moment I think. That was mine.

There just seem to be a few mean threads about atm, and I just think 'oh, come on. Just be nice'.

Maybe I'm feeling a bit sensitive.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2013 17:20

So, as unpopular view as it is on MN, YANBU.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2013 17:20

So, as unpopular view as it is on MN, YANBU.

Original poster
slatternlymother · 01/04/2013 17:22

yaimee I had PND. A well documented struggle on here, where I screamed, kicked and bellowed every step of the way. Sometimes, even though I felt like screeching at DS, I plastered on a big fake smile and was all nicey nicey with him. Because it wasn't his fault I was feeling like a shit.

OP posts:
SneezingwakestheJesus · 01/04/2013 17:22

Its strange to me what is considered abusive if it was done to a partner is considered discipline or punishment when done to a child. The threads on here where people say they only use smacking as a last resort when they are angry or their child is being particularly "unreasonable" as if that makes it okay make my mind boggle. I totally agree with everything Hecsy said.

kinkyfuckery · 01/04/2013 17:22

You haven't met my children, have you? Wink

Cherriesarelovely · 01/04/2013 17:23

I do know exactly what you mean OP. I feel the same however, I do have 2 friends with very challenging children, and I don't mean just a bit naughty, they have very considerable emotional-behavioural problems, and they consequently have incredibly difficult times as a family. Quite understandably my friends very occasionally "snap" and say some unkind, impulsive things out of sheer desperation perhaps as a consequence of being kicked or bitten by their child.

But in general I agree with you and would never seek to excuse the sort of comments you mention in you OP. I totally agree those are deeply damaging.

Original poster
slatternlymother · 01/04/2013 17:23

Some people do tend to treat their kids in ways that they wouldn't dream of treating their boss, or their gp, or some random person in the street...

This is so true.

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 01/04/2013 17:26

When I shout at the children it is a sign I have lost control, but it doesn't mean I am not nice to my DC.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2013 17:27

It's easy to polish your halo if your children are nearly always sweet and obedient. But not as easy if they are difficult and challenging.

yaimee · 01/04/2013 17:27

I have them all the time slattenly sometimes it makes me physically wince when I hear screaming and swearing at children, but I do try to keep that in mind when I hear it, as much for my own sanity as anything, because if I thought that every child u hear been spoken to like that was spoken to like that day in day out and had to lead such a miserable existence for their entire childhood I would lose my mind Sad
Some of the stuff on here hasn't been great this weekend but you can at least comfort yourself with the idea that if the posters hadn't known it was the wrong thing to do, they wouldn't have posted (with the Easter egg mum as the possible exception).

Original poster
slatternlymother · 01/04/2013 17:31

cherries no. Parents of children with disabilities deserve a million pounds each and a medal. I cannot comment on their coping strategies, because I sure as hell couldn't do it.

This is more aimed at parents with children like my own; nt, shouty, and annoying Grin

OP posts:
yaimee · 01/04/2013 17:31

slatternly I didn't mean that everyone with one was horrible to their children or that one was an excuse for nasty behaviour towards children but the title of your op was asking whether ot was really that hard to be nice to your children and my answer is yes, for some people ot might be a struggle (that doesn't mean they aren't though)

VBisme · 01/04/2013 17:31

Yep, we've had some choice phrases out of ESD this weekend directed towards YSD.

"Get out of my sight, I don't want to see you again today".

"I'm sick to death of you".

"Go and play on the motorway"

DH is fairly confident that this is coming direct from copying his ex, he says even the mannerisms when this is being yelled are the same. Sad I hope this is just a phase.

HollyBerryBush · 01/04/2013 17:31

If all people were lovely and sweet all the time, receptionists in schools, hospitals, public worker offices wouldn't have signs up about assaulting staff. A&E wouldn't be bursting to the seams on a Friday & Saturday night with glassed drunks and so forth.

Thirty second snapshots are rarely the whole picture of someones life.

Maryz · 01/04/2013 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/04/2013 17:32

you mean like if one of them has autism and the other has autism and ADHD, Vivienne? Like mine?

I don't think anyone has a halo for saying that it's really out of order to habitually treat your kids badly, as the OP was saying, referencing her own childhood.

yaimee · 01/04/2013 17:32

one should say pnd Blush

georgie22 · 01/04/2013 17:33

YADNBU - I often notice parents who appear to have no interest in their kids. At best they just ignore them despite the poor child's attempts to get some attention; at worst you witness their uncontrolled screaming at their sobbing offspring. I always comment to dh that some people don't seem to enjoy having children. At times we all snap when children drive us to distraction but I would say that I enjoy 99.9% of my time with dd.
I realise we never know what's going on in people's lives that contributes to their behaviour but it's sad for the kids.

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