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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not contact this friend again?

22 replies

Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 07:02

I am very tired of one particular friend. The friendship is very much based around her and her life. She has always decided where to meet etc. She never contacts me and its always been down to me to arrange a catch up. Tbh I'm just sick of it. It's been 3weeks since I last text her and I've not heard a thing from her. We live 3 minutes from each other. she makes no effort to be a friend so I'm beginning to think why should I. Aibu to not contact her to see how long it takes her to contact me? Aibu to make no effortfor her anymore?

OP posts:
BecauseYourWorthIt · 24/03/2013 07:03

I would be the same tbh but i can be a stubborn cow!! I would wait to see if she contacts you. That way at least you know she cherishes your friendship.

Original poster
Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 07:06

Yeah I'm a bit stubborn too! I don't think I will hear from her for blinkin ages! Or maybe never.

OP posts:
HavingALittleFaithBaby · 24/03/2013 07:19

YANBU she doesn't sound like much of a friend! Let things fizzle out.

ArtVandelay · 24/03/2013 07:21

Why use SMS? Why not speak or just knock on her door? I acknowledge I might just be being Northern about this and that might be rude where you live :)

I don't know if YABU - is it possible that she's got illness in the family or other issue that would make her mega-busy?

Original poster
Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 07:26

Artvandelay - I could go and knock on her door but I'm at the stage where I think why should I bother when she can't be arsed. Why is it always me initiating a catch up. I don't think she has any family issues etc as she's been on fb with normal posts.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 24/03/2013 07:32

Real friendships you can pick up and put down, sometimes with months or years in between contact.

Needing contact daily (or weekly or monthly), to me, is just plain odd. Obviously this is just my personal perspective, no way would I have time, or the money, to fit in seeing all my 'good acquaintances' on such a regular basis.

With regard to FB, I don't play out my life on FB - you would be hard pressed to get me to stick up anything emotional or traumatic for the world to see my weaknesses although I do use it daily.

Texting is the tool of Satan! Grin

Original poster
Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 07:39

So you would see a real friendship as onewhere you initiate every catch up hollyberry? One where you never receive any contact from a friend unless you do it first? I personally don't see that as a normal friendship.
I don't need or want contact daily. I certainly never said that. Not even weekly. For a friend who lives 3 minutes away though a quick catch up once a month or so and an odd text here or there isn't unreasonable imo. It becomes unreasonable when its one sided.

OP posts:
mellen · 24/03/2013 07:43

It doesn't sound like she is that bothered, if you aren't either then why not leave it. If she then gets in touch with you then you will at least know that she is interested.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 24/03/2013 07:44

I am a bit paranoid by nature and would assume that since she never ever contacts me and only ever responds to my offer to meet up, but never asks to meet up - that she is actually trying to drop out of my life and hoping I get the hint!

So I would do as you intend to, and simply not contact her.

If I am wrong, then I will know it because she will contact me.

If she doesn't, then I am not continuing to make a fool of myself with someone who isn't bothered about me.

SilverSky · 24/03/2013 07:44

Some people are just that way inclined. It probably hasn't even crossed her mind as she is lazy so used to you contacting her.

Tbh it will drive you mad to wait it out than it will her.

Original poster
Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 07:45

Yeah I think that's a good plan mellen.

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 24/03/2013 07:49

YANBU at all. but if you are going to do that you have to be prepared for the outcome - which may well be that you are dropped from her life completely because you are just not a priority for her, merely a minor diversion, or even an awkward obligation. If you can accept that with good grace and stoicism and move on, then great.

On the other hand, she might just be one of those people like me. I am notorious for being a lazy phoner/texter. I only ever contact people to arrange to see them - rarely to just chat or catch up. It doesn't mean I don't value my friends - I just do not need to speak to them every day, or even every week, and I don't want or need to see the same people every few days like clockwork. One every couple of weeks is more than enough for me.

pigletmania · 24/03/2013 07:56

I agree with mellen, just leave it and do not contact her, if she doesent contact you, know where you stand

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 24/03/2013 08:51

I'm not trying to sound facetious, but why not just ask her or tell her you're a tad miffed?
Maybe she has an issue with anxiety? These things don't show on FB. Social Anxiety especially so as the person can be who they want to be on social networking sites, not the shy person they feel like inside.

My one true friend is the girl that I may not speak to for a couple of months (we don't live close by) but when we do speak, it is for AGES and we tell each other EVERYTHING. She is wonderful.

ReluctantBeing · 24/03/2013 08:55

I wonder how long it will be before she gets in touch.

Original poster
Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 11:01

You are probably right about talking to her angel. She definitely doesn't have anxiety issues though. She's definitely not shy either!

OP posts:
quesadilla · 24/03/2013 12:45

It's true what Holly says that friendships can sustain periods apart and you don't need day to day contact but if you feel this friendship is very one-sided and its you doing all the running you are right to wonder whether this person is worth the effort. Basically you have 3 options: 1: front up to her and tell her how you feel - if she is a true friend she will at least take it on board. 2: accept that this is a one-sided friendship and learn not to accept too much from her and 3: let it slide and basically accept the friendship is dead.

b4bunnies · 24/03/2013 12:47

it could be that she doesn't want to hear from you. just leave her alone. if she misses you, she'll be in touch. if not, move on.

Original poster
Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 18:33

I have many friends who I don't see for months and would see them as really good friends.

It's different with this 'friend' as she lives so close by. It's always been very one sided. I should have seen that earlier really. I kind of want to see how long it'll take her to get in touch though - is that mad? I think it'll be around the time she needs something off me.

OP posts:
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 24/03/2013 18:35

YANBU

I would not contact her again and see if she contacts me.

Maggie111 · 24/03/2013 18:36

If you're ready to accept that there's a good chance you'll never speak to her again - go with the silence and see what happens. But you will have to live with the consequences.

You're not being unreasonable, but just be prepared for the worst.

Original poster
Ilovesunflowers · 24/03/2013 18:54

I think I am prepared for that Maggie. Bit sick of being treated like a mug tbh. Sad to think the friendship might have ended though.

OP posts:
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