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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To agree to work tmrw

32 replies

pamelat · 23/03/2013 21:34

i work part time and have our 2 and 5 year old the other days.

DH contributes the most financially but I pay my portion to mortgage etc

I am significantly over drawn £900.

DH is generous but I like to stand on my own feet and pay my share.

Work asked me to work tmrw for double pay, about £250.

I asked him and he said if I wanted to, so ivagreed

He is now cross with me about it!!!!

The kids are in a gym class in the am so he'll have over an hour to himself, and ds still naps, so just a few solo hours in the afternoon

He thinks I'm being selfish going to work on a Sunday as "we" don't need the money

It's annoyed me but part of me feels guilty leaving our kids "unnecessarily" (in the scheme of things) on a Sunday?

I'm off from Tuesday for 12 days though for Easter holidays and could (selfishly) do with the cash?!!

OP posts:
MagicHouse · 23/03/2013 21:37

But you do need the money! That's quite a big overdraft, and not "selfish" in any way to want to clear it.
It's not as if you're off out for the day is it, and presumably you'd rather not be working.
Maybe you should sit down together and talk through your finances if the way you live is leaving you overdrawn and him thinking you have no money worries.

LilyAmaryllis · 23/03/2013 21:39

"We" don't but YOU do. Unless he wants to bail out your overdraft? £250 is going to feel really worthwhile. You are NOT being unreasonable. at all! He is an equal parent, looking after the children on the odd Sunday is not out of the question.

I have had similar I must say... in my case it was needing the Sunday to finish off freelance work (ie so that I could bill, and actually get paid). I could see my DH values us all having family time, BUT its not as if I was sneaking off on some hobby. I was earning the family money we needed!

Callisto · 23/03/2013 21:43

I'd do it and my DH would be perfectly happy to look after DD while I did. But then we do equal parenting which is obviously a concept that your DH finds hard to grasp.

Original poster
pamelat · 23/03/2013 21:45

Thank you

His solution would be to give me the money (he earns x 4 my part time salary) but I don't want that and quite like my job

I guess he's resentful that ive split the family for the weekend but he rarely gets time to himself with them.I feel a bit bad as don't see dd much as she's at school and i miss her (lots of quality time with ds) but I'm with her every day soon for the holidays and she's ok about it.

I think he's a bit concerned as ds is high maintenance/difficult at the moment :(

OP posts:
Ezza1 · 23/03/2013 22:28

Its one weekend, your DP will just have to deal with it, difficult toddler or not.

This does my head in - I work 4 days pw and some nights occasionally which means I always work saturdays and/or sundays. Ive not had a full weekend off since August last year.

My DP works mon-fri and feels put upon at the weekend as he has our youngest DC to 'look after' Hes his sodding father, its not a matter of babysitting... mini rant over...

Like I say, its one weekend for you and your DP, the extra money will help you in the long run, dont feel bad.

PurpleStorm · 24/03/2013 00:03

Sounds like you do need the money.

But, money aside - why tell you that you could go to work if you wanted to, instead of saying that actually, he'd rather you stayed at home?

He's being unreasonable to say he doesn't mind if you go into work, and then get cross when you take him at his word.

FrameyMcFrame · 24/03/2013 00:05

I work every Sunday Confused

HollyBerryBush · 24/03/2013 00:09

His solution would be to give me the money (he earns x 4 my part time salary) but I don't want that and quite like my job

Then you are a fool to be paying bank charges when as a family you don't have to.

treedelivery · 24/03/2013 00:10

??

Lordy help you and him if your job ever needs you to work a shift pattern. I hardly ever get a whole weekend off and certainly never a whole public holiday. It's life! with dc's in school, shift workers like me usually see them as we leave for a night shift, for about 20 mins a day. For days on end!

Your dh is being rather daft. Or is he just miffed he'll be doing a days solo childcare? I'm afraid I'd be inclined to question his motives.

Enjoy paying off a huge chunk of that overdraft. Good feeling! (not that I'd know Grin)

babyinarms · 24/03/2013 00:10

He's being unreasonable, not you!!!. It's not too often you get offered double time (I suspect) and that will go a long way to pay off your overdraft. As for Ds being difficult at the moment,he is his responsibility too, so your DH will just have to get on with it , it's only one day!
You will have plenty of family time over the easter break, so if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much!

SquinkieBunnies · 24/03/2013 01:12

He's being unreasonable, he needs to suck it up and do some parenting.
But you too are being unreasonable, you are a family unit, money is earned "for the family" therefore he shouldn't just be paying more into the family pot but giving enough that you don't have an overdraft (unless you a some sort of shopaholic gambler) I know you want to be independent, but the kids are both of yours so he needs to financially step up a bit more by the sound of it. Why don't you let him pay off the overdraft (was it money that went to the family?) then contribute the money from working Sunday back to "the family" so you don't feel so dependent.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/03/2013 02:18

"he rarely gets time to himself with them"
I can't be the only one who read that and immediately translated it into "he rarely takes care of his own children without me there to do the bits he can't be bothered doing or hasn't bothered to find out how to do", can I?

It sounds to me as if he said "do it" thinking you wouldn't; so he could seem supportive without actually having to lift a finger. But you took it at face value, and now he's bricking it.

"I am significantly over drawn £900. DH is generous but I like to stand on my own feet and pay my share."
Pay my share? Really? Shouldn't you consider yourselves to be one financial unit, since you are one family? It never ceases to amaze me that so many couple run this 'separate finances' thing. You and DH are the adults in the unit. You both contribute, be that in strict financial terms or childcare, organisation or practical support. It makes more sense if both salaries are pooled into one joint account (from which all household and child-related costs are paid - and I do mean ALL), with both adults transferring THE SAME AMOUNT of personal funds to sole accounts each month. A couple where one has money to burn and the other a mahoosive overdraft is not a good way to live. If your DH is truly generous, he should see the logic in that. Or is his financial generosity on a par with his parental generosity (i.e. lip service only)?

Original poster
pamelat · 24/03/2013 07:49

Thanks all

I don't pay charges on my over draft. It's permitted by the bank and is unusual that it's this bad. I've had car insurance (whole year upfront),MOT, 2tyres and Other boring things to buy :(

Am off to work ;) we had terrible night with ds so everyone else is asleep, feels very odd!!

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 24/03/2013 07:52

You don't pay charges on your overdraft? Not even interest? Which bank is that? I may swap if I can!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 24/03/2013 07:53

whoops. and no, you are not being unreasonable. If he had a problem, the time to say so was when you asked!

Sounds like he just doesn't want to be left with the kids. [cynical]

RubyGates · 24/03/2013 07:59

I work every other Sunday(ish) for a measly £50 UKP (4 hours) and £65 if it's my turn to be in charge.... If I thought there was £250 to be gained form a day's work I'd be out of the door like a shot.

I'm working today, OH will be doing some fairly half-assed childcare but we need the money.
That's what parenting and partnership is about no?

The fur will fly however if accidentally booked to work a Sunday (we have to book to work in advance before other schedules come out) when I have to also work a Saturday (about twice/three times a year). Poor dear OH just can't cope with DS2 two days in a row Hmm

YANBU, YABresponsible.

ChristmasJubilee · 24/03/2013 08:01

I asked him and he said if I wanted to that's it there.

If he didn't want you to he should have said so however I don't agree with his money/your money. If he earns 4x what you earn he should be paying car insurance etc. you are doing more childcare than him. You should have equal disposable income.

MrsDoomsPatterson · 24/03/2013 08:02

He needs to man up. Some of us work every Sunday with not a murmur from our partners. It's just what has to be done.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 24/03/2013 08:02

If your off over Easter it more like swapping a shift.

kitsmummy · 24/03/2013 08:15

God, there are so many ridiculous issues going on here:

1 - of course he is BU. He said he was ok with you working, and of course he should be - £250 is a lot of money off an overdraft
2 - Why don't you have joint money? You both contribute in different ways and it should be shared. You said about the MOT and tyres etc - so I take it any problems with the car come out of your money, so if you get another massive bill on it then it would put you way into overdraft I take it? Stupid, you need to be sharing money from a family pot
3 - I think you do sound a bit precious too (sorry) - all this hand wringing regarding leaving the kids on one day at the weekend, as a one off? Really, I just think it's all a bit high drama from both you and your DH

gardenfan · 24/03/2013 08:34

yes, he is definately being UR. I can never understand why people have this "need" to have independent money. DH and i have always had a joint account, we dont feel we need to ask one another about what we spend on ourselves, we both know the limits of our spending. Obviously expensive items are discussed. We do not have a particularly high income, (both in nhs proffesional jobs) we do not have a luxurious lifestyle, or expensive holidys, but at the same time we do not have any money worries, just paid off mortgage (at age of 52), and have no debt. 4 DCs at uni, so that isnt cheap. I often get overtime to boost income, which i take. Surely, in a marriage, there is a partnership, none of this "my money and his money" attitude, and if debt was an issue, definately this should be approached as a joint predicament, and if he has no debt, he should look at ways he can help, to prevent this happening again, as it is obviously causing you stress.

noblegiraffe · 24/03/2013 08:45

I hope when you 'pay your share' it's only a quarter of what he pays. You earn less than him because the rest of the time you are providing free childcare for his and your children which would be quite an expense otherwise. I assume he benefits from you running a car too (doing shopping, family errands etc) so him contributing to your car costs wouldn't be unreasonable either.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/03/2013 10:03

Yes, car is not a personal expense it is a household expense. After all, I expect it is used to
get to work
ferry children
go to supermarket and back
use on family trips

Definitely a household expense.

Personal expenses are things like haircuts, new clothes, magazines, cosmetics (but not toiletries - that's household), CDs - PURELY for your own use. Things that can wait if you don't have the money that month.

scarlettsmummy2 · 24/03/2013 10:22

He is being a twat. They are his children too. My husband also often acts in a similar manner however I just ignore him!

Apileofballyhoo · 24/03/2013 15:41

Very upset for you OP. I can't understand this separate money thing either tbh. If you were working full time would you expect him to pay half the childcare costs? Is he mean with money in general or something? (My DSis works for this reason, otherwise she would have to justify all her expenditure.) I find this kind of attitude really upsetting where a DP doesn't automatically share what they have.

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