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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that the school are doing nothing about this?!

53 replies

PenguinBear · 05/03/2013 22:04

There have been messages written on the toilet wall wishing dd1 would kill herself etc. really nasty stuff and the school's crap investigations found nothing.

It has happened again and to quote the school 'we are at a loss' Hmm.

I could give them a list as long as my arm of things they could do, none of which have been done.

What can we do? We've written to the head, written to all staff invoked including head of year etc. Considering pulling her out but it's a fee paying school and we are on a Scholarship so DP is worried that they'll think we're ungrateful if we pull her out.

Would it be worth contacting the police at all?

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 05/03/2013 22:06

Have you been into school for a meeting? Rightly or wrongly, schools always seem to act when parents get pushier.

fanoftheinvisibleman · 05/03/2013 22:08

No experience of this at all but just wanted to say I am very sorry your dd is going through this.

And I wouldn't give a flying shit whether they thought I was ungrateful or not. Waving their cash around does not absolve them of any responsibility to your poor girl. Sad

maddening · 05/03/2013 22:11

Are there any other schools she could apply for a scholarship with? Any good grammar schools or state schools in your area?

Contact the police to ask if it is something they would take seriously ? Do you have photos?

Revengeofkarma · 05/03/2013 22:11

There are people writing that more than once, the school does nothing and the concern is you'd be seen as ungrateful for the scholarship? F* that. What message does that send to the bullies and your daughter? That it is ok to treat her abominably so long as you are grateful for them to do it? Of course it isn't, so don't act like it is.

Give them the list of things they could do. Get something done. And if that means leaving and then going to the press, do it. If it means calling the cops now, do it. Show your daughter you love her by making this stop.

seeker · 05/03/2013 22:11

A crap school is a crap school, whatever sector and however funded.

Pull her out. If they are crap about this, they will be crap about other things, too.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/03/2013 22:12

They are allowing your child to read nasty spiteful messages about herself with no consequence and your DP is worried you won't look grateful enough to them?! Shock

There are no words.

If the school has made it clear they are not going to do anything, they are effectively offering you the option of leaving. Move her FFS!

Hassled · 05/03/2013 22:13

If it were me I'd pull her out. Do you really think you should be grateful for the opportunity for your DD to be bullied to this extent?

What are the local state schools like?

And if she were at a state school I'd say - get a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy (because they have to have one). Go through it and identify which parts of the policy haven't been followed. Then write to the Chair of Governors with that information.

mummymeister · 05/03/2013 22:14

have to agree with seeker. this is an appalling response to what has happened. surely they must have proceedures in place to deal with this. you have to make an almighty fuss - demand a meeting with the head, head of year, her teacher and head of governors. they cannot be allowed to let this pass. if you arent satisfied then pull her out of the school and tell ofsted why you have done it. no one should have to tolerate this.

Original poster
PenguinBear · 05/03/2013 22:16

No-one has ever said anything nasty to her face or behind her back as far as we know. It's a very small school so culprits are relatively limited and still the school is dreadful at dealing with it.

Disclaimer .

OP posts:
numbum · 05/03/2013 22:19

'DP is worried that they'll think we're ungrateful if we pull her out. ' Yes because that's obviously the most important thing here Hmm

numbum · 05/03/2013 22:20

I need to not get a glass of wine half way through typing a reply type faster

If she's unhappy why would you leave her there? Do fee paying schools have governors you can approach?

exoticfruits · 05/03/2013 22:21

I'm not sure why DP is worried about them thinking you are ungrateful- I should shout it from the rooftops that you are ungrateful. They might be charging fees but they are not a good school! Go in- demand to see the anti bullying policy and then ask them to implement it. Tell them that if they are not going to address the problem you will report it to the police. If nothing happens I would change schools. The private system has the whole range from excellent to dire- just like state ones.

MidniteScribbler · 05/03/2013 22:31

Call the police and tell them that threats have been made against her life. It (should) be taken very seriously. Keep a log of incidents, and your interactions with the school and what they aren't doing to prevent it happening again.

Original poster
PenguinBear · 05/03/2013 22:35

In response to people who asked about pictures, no we haven't but apparently the school have!

OP posts:
seeker · 05/03/2013 22:36

I presume she's not going to school tomorrow?

yellowbrickrd · 05/03/2013 22:41

How horrible for your poor dd. The school's response is completely weak and unacceptable so you must be very tough on it to show her how wrong this is.

As above - tell the school you are taking the matter to the police. That should galvanise them.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/03/2013 22:48

Hello OP, I am so sorry for your dd. I agree with midnite and it needs to be taken seriously.
If it was me I would demand action from the school, Police involvement and if this fails. Sod what people think about being ungrateful it could really harm your dd mentally for a long time. I'd be bringing her home as it could escalate if nothing done.
Please start being proactive immediately, it can't be allowed to continue.

Original poster
PenguinBear · 05/03/2013 22:52

She wants to go in seeker!

No-one is unkind to her face and never has been so she's agreed with her friends that as long as they don't leave her on her own then she feels safe.

She's been at the school since she was 3 and has always loved it. We have no idea why this is happening or who could be targeting her. When we discussed it with the school they thought it was out of jealously.

OP posts:
gymmummy64 · 05/03/2013 22:53

they have given you a scholarship because your daughter is bright and is likely to get great sats results be a credit to the school. It doesn't affect their duty of care in any way at all and they are failing her. Forget that it's a fee paying school, forget the scholarship, forget any other issues you might have - it's cut and dried. Talk to them as you would anyone else who compromised your child's safety and mental health, because that's what they're doing.

seeker · 05/03/2013 23:01

So you're happy to send your child into an environments where she has been threatened, and where the people who's job it is to protect her are not doing it.

right.

Original poster
PenguinBear · 05/03/2013 23:08

If I don't send her in, she'll be at home doing nothing. Plus if this takes weeks to get sorted then she'll be missing out on a lot of her education.

We've talked about it with her and she wants to go in so I can't see why keeping her at home is a good option. Yes I totally agree that the school have dealt with it badly and we are trying to sort things out. And if she stays home, surely it's just showing the bully that they've won which she doesn't want to do either.

OP posts:
codswallopandchips · 05/03/2013 23:09

If she's happy at the school and well settled, then let her stay. But go to town on the Head Teacher. This should not be allowed to happen and the school has absolutely nowhere to hide. They need to act. There are procedures and the school is duty-bound to enforce them. It's not good enough to shrug and say they're at a loss FFS.

For ammunition, here's this, from the Dept of Education website: "The new Ofsted framework which came into force in January 2012, includes ?behaviour and safety? as one of its key criteria for inspections. Schools should be able to demonstrate the impact of anti-bullying policies."

Inertia · 06/03/2013 07:09

I'd make a non-emergency report to the police.

Would also consider asking DD to take photos of the comments as evidence (at a time when nobody else is going to be using the toilets ).

Isityouorme · 06/03/2013 07:11

Get photos, send them to all the school governors asking them why the school can't deal with it. Get pushy as it is dreadful. Good on your LO for going into school.

Isityouorme · 06/03/2013 07:11

And contact police