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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex husband and his access

25 replies

mrsfleming32 · 05/03/2013 19:44

I'm having a nightmare. I split with ex just over a year ago due to his drinking and general inability to behave like a normal person. Now, a year on, I have my own flat and a new relationship with a wonderful man who adores me and my 5 year old daughter. Ex insists on seeing her every single day, comes to see her around 5.30 every evening, and ideally he wants to visit her at my flat. I don't want him in my flat, I feel I can't move on with my life, and my man has to wait until he's gone to come and see me. I feel I can't tell him about my new relationship as he will be completely unreasonable and make my life a misery. I really need some advice. Do I tell him and face the circumstances? What is most annoying is that when we were together he totally took us for granted and now he thinks he is father of the year. Would love to hear from anyone in the same position.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 05/03/2013 19:48

You need to tell him this is not working for you, how long does he stay when he's there, could you offer him the same amount of time but in one or two visits?

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 05/03/2013 19:57

He always stays around an hour, if he doesn't take her out. It's severely stressing me out.

OP posts:

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 05/03/2013 20:00

Tell him straight, no more house visits, contact centre or somewhere else, if you dont want him in your home, then you dont have to have him there.

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 05/03/2013 20:02

Not that easy. He can be very aggressive and unreasonable.

OP posts:

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 05/03/2013 20:04

Even more reason to put an end to it, if he gets aggressive, call the police. Then get a contact order sorted.

kinkyfuckery · 05/03/2013 20:04

Jut tell him straight, he is welcome to see your DD, but it must be an arrangement that suits all three of you, not just him!

kinkyfuckery · 05/03/2013 20:05

Also, I wouldn't mention the new relationship at the same time, it's a separate issue. How long have you been seeing him?

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 05/03/2013 20:08

Also it must be really confusing for DD, and she may mention the new bf, its something you need to get official for contact, he doesnt have the right just to turn up in your home.

Sailormercury · 05/03/2013 20:08

TBH the fact that he can be aggresive is even more of a reason not to have him in your home. He is your X for a reason and you don't have to take shit from him. I agree with Greg, contact centre or elsewhere.

StuntGirl · 05/03/2013 20:11

Tell him no more contact at your home. It sounds like you need a more formal contact agreement that suits all three of you.

kim147 · 05/03/2013 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush · 05/03/2013 20:12

Sorry, but why are you letting him over the threshold of your flat?

Why havent you seen a solicitor to regulate times?

Why havent you had him done for harassment?

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 05/03/2013 20:16

DD dotes on him. TBH I'm a bit scared of him. Solicitors would inflame the situation massively. He hasn't harassed me as such, but when we split up (I left) he made some awful threats about me seeing other people. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 05/03/2013 20:18

See a solicitor, make it official and get formal contact sorted. And stop letting him in your house. If he kicks off you call the police and keep a diary of anything he says/does.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 05/03/2013 20:24

Hes trying to control you, dont let him, DD may mention your new man one day, what happens if he kicks off in front of her, you need to keep him at arms length, and get contact official, otherwise your still gonna be walking on egg shells, divorcing is meant to stop that happening.

Original poster

mrsfleming32 · 05/03/2013 20:28

I think he knows I'm with someone else. I feel like I've no way to turn. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 05/03/2013 20:29

I'm going to go against the grain, but I think you should put up with it.

If your dd loves him and wants to spend an hour a day with her daddy, she should be allowed to. That is more important that your moving on or your new man having to wait.

I'm saying this from direct experience btw. I have been in exactly your position with two children. They aren't young forever, and I'm not suggesting you let this go on indefinitely. But your dd is only five.

Seabright · 05/03/2013 20:31

You have to take the next step, which is to begin the process of legally ending this marriage. Which means getting a lawyer.

They will sort these issues on your behalf, that's their job. You cannot carrion like this.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 05/03/2013 20:31

Its been a year tho, clouds its not like its been a month and shes moving her new man in, why the hell should she put up with someone shes admitted shes scared off.

CloudsAndTrees · 05/03/2013 21:08

She shouldn't have to put up with someone she's scared of, but her dd shouldn't have to miss out on seeing her Dad every day either.

I know it's hard, like I said, I've been there. I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't think putting a child first for a few more years is too much to ask.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 05/03/2013 21:16

Then he should be taking his DD somewhere and invading OP's space.

kim147 · 05/03/2013 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleroses · 05/03/2013 21:30

Where is your ex living? Is it somewhere suitable to have DD visit him there? If so, why not phrase it along the lines of - it's been nice for DD to see him so often, but you all need to move to a new sort of arrangement where she gets to spend proper time with him in his house. This could be several times a week for an hour or two after school - if that's what suits you all. Or you could move to something a bit longer and less frequent - every other weekend and a night midweek just for tea would be a standard sort of contact arrangement. You don't have to do that exactly, but you do have to work something out that allows you to start parenting from different households.

If he doesn't have anywhere suitable to have her, then it is difficult I think. I'd be inclined to let it continue on a temporary basis if he's still in the process of finding somewhere, but make it clear it can't go on forever.

My ex came round to visit for the first few months after we split, but then moved to having DCs stay at his once he had a room in a shared house. It wasn't an ideal place for them to stay over, but it was manageable, and better than him coming round mine all the time.

mummytime · 05/03/2013 21:35

OP you can still phone women's aid and get advice.

Personally I think you need to do the Freedom course and be very careful about your new relationship. You seem to have very low self-esteem, and not have very good boundaries; your new DP may be great or may be another disaster, you don't seem to have developed any skills to judge this for yourself.

Phone the police if you are hassled. It does not do your DD any good to see you intimidated or frightened of her father. It will teach her all kinds of unhealthy lessons about relationships.

No he shouldn't see her in your flat. Yes there needs to be formalised access arrangements.

MajaBiene · 05/03/2013 21:36

I think you need to find a compromise that works. Could your DD do an after school club/activity one or two nights a week that you could drop her off to and her Dad could pick her up from, and then take her to school the next morning? That would really reduce the amount of contact you have to have with him and time he spends in your flat. Maybe that plus every other weekend.

At the moment it sounds like he was a brilliant deal - a quick visit every day but not having to do any actual parenting, and you get no break.

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