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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how to address this

40 replies

threerings · 04/03/2013 12:09

I attended dc parents evening last week to be told that dc is not focusing in class. At the last parents evening in January I was told that dc is under acheiving. It seems to me that dc is just coasting along with no real support from the school in allowing dc to continue this way. I give dc support at home in school work. AIBU in thinking that the school is letting dc down. They don,t seem to grasp the fact that there is a problem here. The Teacher just seems to wash her hands of it and recommended that dc see a councilor.

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Goldmandra · 04/03/2013 12:26

HOw old is he/she?

Did the teacher say what she thought your DC should see a counsellor about?

Why do you think he/she is finding it hard to concentrate or keep up with the work?

Bejeena · 04/03/2013 12:39

Did you appraoch your child about this last parents evening? Personally I think if a child is udner achieving then it is down to the child and the parents to sort out the problem. If the child was having difficulty understanding things then I would say this is issue of the school.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/03/2013 12:39

I am sure you'd be entitled to ask for more clarification from DC's teacher.

Is your DC at primary or secondary school, is it an exceptionally large class? Has this been recent or has it been brewing a while?

'Not focusing in class', does that mean behavioural issues, is s/he easily distracted or messing about? I take it your DC can see the whiteboard okay, no sight problems, is s/he able to hear everything?

'Under achieving' does suggest some difficulty in comprehension compared to his classmates. Have you noticed DC having trouble reading or with numbers?

Not wanting to pry but any stresses at home, any disruption to normal family life, or simply disturbed sleep patterns?

flangledoodle · 04/03/2013 12:43

Something similar happened with my ds after some strategies that we tried and did not work I pushed for an assessment by an education psychologist which lead to a diagnosis of dyspraxia. Things much better now when we all know what we are dealing with.

Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 14:01

Dc is 10. He has had problems in seeing the whiteboard, so I asked the Teacher is he struggling to see it and she said no problems. Took him to the optition and he did need Glasses afterall. Yes he is having diffulculty understanding but he is in a very small class size of 17 and always has been.
He has lately in the past couple of weeks taken an imaginary friend on, which is a bit late i,m told for a child to do this so im very worried about it.
Background is that his school is due to close in July and he has to go to another school. This also happened a couple of years ago and he had to change school. I feel that dc/ I need some sort of support from the school on this.

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Ilovesunflowers · 04/03/2013 14:05

At 10 he also needs to realise he is responsible for his learning. Yes school should be helping but your son is at fault for not concentrating. He needs you to give him a strong talking to IMO. 10 is old enough realise he needs to concentrate in school.

It sounds from your OP that you are automatically blaming your schools rather than seeing this as a choice your DS is taking.

MrsMushroom · 04/03/2013 14:07

I had an imaginary friend at tenish I know I did. Are they offering him any extra help? My DD is 8 and needed support with her maths so she has a couple of hours a week in a small group...is he getting anything like that and if not why not? They sound a bit crap!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/03/2013 14:08

Why did the teacher suggest counselling as the solution?

MrsMushroom · 04/03/2013 14:08

Sunflowers your response is VERY simplistic. If her son has problems with comprehension or some undiganosed learning difficulties then it's not his fault for not concentrating.

Some children can't for various reasons but can be helped with various strategies.

Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 14:12

He knows he is responsible for his learning and he is a very bright child.. I am not blaming school but looking for help. His teacher has said she finds his behaviour lately a bit strange. I,m wondering if he has just shut off from school with all that is going on with the school closure and maybe he is not handling it very well.

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Ilovesunflowers · 04/03/2013 14:14

MrsMushroom your response is equally simplistic. Why do some people automatically jump to SEN as a reason for problems in the classroom? Perhaps the boy is just not concentrating. Believe me I've seen many a child in the classroom who underachieved simply because they didn't concentrate enough. It happens alot.

MrsMushroom · 04/03/2013 14:14

threrings if he is struggling, it is their job as well as yours to find out why. Is he behaving ok at home? Sleeping ok? Eating?

Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 14:15

Mrsmushroom yes I,m looking for strategies and think that the school should of put forward some form of support for him. Instead she said he needed counselling when I said about the Imaginary friend. To which she said thats what two year olds do having Imaginary Friends!!!

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/03/2013 14:17

Wondered about the eyesight because it often happens that a DC doesn't like to mention any difficulty and copes well enough for teacher not to pick up on it.

If his school is closing this summer there must have been a lot of talk about it and perhaps he is feeling understandably unsettled. Under-achieving doesn't mean naughty or slow to grasp something, it can simply be a red flag if you like that something's wrong and affecting his performance.

Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 14:18

He is fine at home, maybe a slight drop off in appetite. I really do think that he is stressed out more than I think with this move to another school and losing all his friends. He has to go to another school for just a year and this could be unsettling him in regards to him not concentrating in class.

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Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 14:24

On the eyesight thing Donkey he said he was struggling to see the board to his Teacher but she told him to stop putting his hand up and stop being a pain. when he came home that day he got very tearful and told me what she had said. I pulled her up on it because maybe I thought he misheard her, and she said yes she did call him a pain and apologised. I think that he just doesn,t bother to engage anymore in class for fear of being called that agian. some will say he needs to toughen up but it can be a confidence thing being called that.

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fubbsy · 04/03/2013 14:34

Is this the same teacher he has now? The one who told him to stop being a pain? If so, I don't think there is much point trying to engage with her.

If I were you, I would make an appointment to see the head to talk about ways that both you and the school can support dc so he doesn't underachieve.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/03/2013 14:35

Sad Not very helpful was she.

Just read about the imaginary friend. I don't think your son's teacher knows how to handle this either but I hope she appreciates you discussed this in confidence.

Yes pre-schoolers sometimes have such imaginary friends but so can older children. At 10 your DS probably still feels a degree of powerlessness and through inventing a friend he can at least voice some doubts/fears or work through problems.

Does he have real friends or he is by nature a solitary child? You say he is bright, I am no expert but think it is perfectly normal for a child who is creative and imaginative to invent a friend whether or not he has rl pals.

Let him know you are here for him to talk to as well. Try the old start-a-conversation-in-the-car-so-you're-not-facing-each-other-directly trick.

I thought flangledoodle made a good point upthread, perhaps push for an educational psychologist, tbh am out of my depth here have you also tried the Primary Education topic for suggestions?

MrsMushroom · 04/03/2013 15:07

I totally regressed when I moved to secondary school...I well remember feeling like I needed to be a baby again...I was 11!

I recall that a lot of love and attention made me feel better. My Mum and Dad made huge efforts to spend more time with me...we went on walks and things and I have nice memories from that time.

Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 15:07

It,s a prep school so part of me thinks that they don,t understand certain traits in children and expect the children to conform. to their standards of behaviour,so nothing out of the norm. So yes no point in trying to engage with this teacher any further. It comes across as they think there is something wrong with him and I should get it dealt with. Not much support from them on this.

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MrsMushroom · 04/03/2013 15:08

Prep schools can be inflexible and unhelpful. Is there any way to move him sooner to his new school?: Like ripping a plaster off?

Goldmandra · 04/03/2013 15:11

I second the suggestion to ask for an Educational Psychologist to see him.

He is clearly struggling in school. It sounds like he is not achieving his academic potential and could also be struggling socially if he feels the need to have an imaginary friend.

Ask for a meeting with the school SENCo, point out that the school has been expressing concerns to you for some time, that you cannot work out what the problem is and have done what you feel is in your power, e.g. optician appt. and that this has not helped so now they need to take the next step.

Push hard for it to happen as soon as possible so that the Ed Psych has a reasonable length of time to assess him before the school closes.

Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 15:28

Have spoken to the Head and she has said that it,s not an Ed Psy he needs to see and the school won,t support that as it,s an Independant school. It,s a councilor from my G.P she has said. I stressed over and over how worried I am about him but they are batting me off and mrsmushroom I agree about inflexible and unhelpful.
He has been struggling since year 2 and I have approached them about this on many occassions and know I feel as though I have let him down.

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Goldmandra · 04/03/2013 15:42

I guess that is because the school would have to pay for this service.

TBH I don't know how the system works with independent schools. You could re-post in the Special Needs section and someone might be able to advise you.

In the meantime you could see if your GP will refer him to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS). They may see him and assess him if you can show that his difficulties are having an effect on his well-being at home as well as at school.

I don't see how that HT can decide he needs to see a counsellor without having an understanding of what is causing the problems in the first place. It sounds very like she is taking the easy way out here and doing a great disservice to your son Angry

Original poster
threerings · 04/03/2013 15:50

the HT has no understanding of what is causing the problem, just that he is not pulling his weight. The Teacher has told her about the Imaginary friend and they have come to the conclusion that he should see a counsellor.
Few months ago a child inflicted an injury on my dc and the HT turned around and told my dc that this did not happen and that he had inflicted it upon himself. Makes me think that yes their are indeed doing a great disservice in trying to pass the buck.
I want and will support him in anyway I can but feel sad that the school seem to not want to address this.

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