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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset about this?

103 replies

extremepie · 24/02/2013 18:30

My parents have just phoned to tell me they are coming for a surprise visit in 3 days time.

Ok, little bit annoyed that we didn't have more time to prepare but we moved to a different part of the country just before Christmas so I haven't seen them in about 6 months and am happy that they will be visiting, especially since DS really misses them.

The problem us DH doesn't exactly get on with my parents and basically had a massive screaming fit when he found out saying that he has no say in what happens in his own house. He is now demanding that I phone them back and tell them they can't come.

Essentially he is making me choose between offending my parents or upsetting him.

AIBU to be upset? What should I do?

OP posts:
EndoplasmicReticulum · 24/02/2013 19:31

DrGoogle - "If I came home and my DH 'told me' that his folks were coming to stay in 3 days time... Well I wouldn't be wearing my happy face."

This. Exactly this. How long are they expecting to stay? And are they the sort of people who require all meals and snacks laid on and constant entertaining, or will they help out a bit?

I find being "told" someone is coming to visit very rude, and it would get my back up from the start. Especially with only 3 days notice.

usualsuspect · 24/02/2013 19:34

They are having a holiday and thought they would visit their daughter and grandchildren at the same time.

They are her parents, not a couple of random strangers.

Bloody hell, I'm glad my grown up children don't treat me like a stranger who needs to make an appointment to see them.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 24/02/2013 19:36

Just read your next post. They've put your husband in an impossible position really, haven't they - he's going to have to put up with the visit unless he wants to look really unreasonable. As it's their anniversary, presumably they've been thinking about this trip for some time - why not phone you a few weeks back and ask when would be convenient?

I think your parents are being inconsiderate. I also think if you were posting on here about a surprise 4-day stay by critical in-laws you'd get more sympathy than your husband is currently getting on this thread.

Original poster
extremepie · 24/02/2013 19:37

They would be staying 4 days but are definitely not the sort of people that would expect to be fed and entertained 24/7 - they are more likely to do the dishes and take us out for lunch :)

OP posts:
nilbyname · 24/02/2013 19:39

I think your Dh is BU. I have a hard time with my family and they live far away so if they come, it is for 4 days minimum. It is wearing, but they are family and unless they say or do something awful we just make the best of it.

They babysit for us one eve, we rent a DVD another, I might get out the scrabble another. My mum likes to cook for us (she is a shocking cook!) so we have to find ways to not let her!

CloudsAndTrees · 24/02/2013 19:42

If your husband has reason not to like them' which he does if they have been critical towards him, then I can see where he's coming from.

I would be pretty pissed off if I was told that my in laws would be coming to stay in my home in three days time, and I'd be even more pissed off if my husband thought it was ok to upset me but not his parents, and that I didn't deserve to even have a conversation about something going on in my own home before it happened.

You are being very very unreasonable here. You need to tell your parents that they don't have the right to just announce that they are visiting in three days time.

Awomansworth · 24/02/2013 19:42

You see I just wouldn't have a problem with this. My DH rarely sees his parents/family as they live the other end of the country.

I would never make him feel bad about any of them coming to stay with us, and I certainly wouldn't mind either, short notice or not.

It's very nasty to put you in the middle on this.

travellingwilbury · 24/02/2013 19:43

your dh sounds a bit odd to me . but I am the sort of person who had people to stay regularly and as long as I have a couple of days notice I would be delighted .

have I got it right that you have moved 300 miles away from your parents and they are travelling to see you and your children and your dh is pissed off ? he is a numpty in my humble opinion . which isn't actually that humble in rl

Original poster
extremepie · 24/02/2013 19:44

I did actually ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed but he doesn't really get on with his parents so he just said he would have told them to get stuffed (not helpful)!

I generally do have a good relationship with my parents so I really feel that I can compare the 2.

I do feel that it is only 4 days not 2 weeks and I would prefer it if he (albeit grudgingly) put up with it for that time, for me & the kids if not for them.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 24/02/2013 19:46

So he would expect you to put up the inlaws but your parents arent allowed at all? Thats fair. Hmm.

So they are more difficult than his, life is difficult, tell him to put his dummy back in and shut up.

Original poster
extremepie · 24/02/2013 19:47

Clouds, they are critical of both of us not just him!

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 24/02/2013 19:48

I really like my DP's mum, but i i would be fucked off if he unilaterally decided she was coming to stay for four days and not even bothered to ask me.

OP did you mention that you and your DH will both be off work when your parents visit? Is this time off you'd planned to enjoy by yourselves? If so then I sympathise with him even more.

I do think your parents are slightly taking the piss inviting themselves to y for four days at such short notice. Especially if it coincides with an anniversary. They mustve been planning this for a lot longer.

NopeStillNothing · 24/02/2013 19:48

3 days is not enough notice for a four day stay imo. You and your parents ABU for putting DH in that position.

He shouldn't have screamed at you and yes, he should probably just suck it up for the sake of keeping the peace but in his position, I would be fucked off!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 24/02/2013 19:50

If they are taking time off for a mini holiday based around their anniversary, didn't they know much earlier than this? Confused

Personally, although I don't need to make appointments to see family, I would also feel the need to give as much warning as possible, out of courtesy

Original poster
extremepie · 24/02/2013 19:50

Like I said, I do really understand why he is upset at not being consulted but I wasn't either! They sort of put me on the spot saying 'we're coming to see you on Wednesday' so I didn't really know how to respond without upsetting them.

I would have liked more notice so I could have discussed it with DH but that didn't happen and I am now stuck between hurting their feeling or DH's :(

OP posts:
doctorhamster · 24/02/2013 19:52

I think if Dh doesn't want them to come he can phone them and tell them.

I also think your parents were vvvvvv u to phone and invite themselves to stay with 3 days notice.

madonnawhore · 24/02/2013 19:52

Why didn't you just say you'll check with DH whether you've got any plans on those days and get back to them?

They are BU if they weren't expecting that you might have to say no at such short notice.

Sounds like they've been planning this trip for a while. No good excuse for not giving you more of a heads up IMO.

SilverClementine · 24/02/2013 19:54

Can you ring them back and say you've discussed it with DH and its a bit too short notice? suggest some other dates instead?

NopeStillNothing · 24/02/2013 19:54

Maybe it's that kind of attitude that pisses your DH off about your parents? Do they often 'force' you to put up and shut up with their decisions?

Original poster
extremepie · 24/02/2013 19:55

Madonna, DH is a full time carer for DS2 (ASD) and a SAHD and I recently lost my job so we aren't working atm but not 'on purpose' as such.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 24/02/2013 19:56

I think you need to tell your parents that in the future they need to give you more notice. Then tell your DH that you spoke to your parents about providing more notice and that he has to suck it up for 4 days. That if he needs to get away from them for a bit to go to the pub for a couple of hours.

Also, plan their 4 day visit. One day or even two be all day out of the house activity, doing some sight seeing. Take your parents out to eat on Thursday. On Friday night, have them babysit while you and your DH go out.

travellingwilbury · 24/02/2013 19:56

I just don't understand , you gave moved 300 miles away .
they want to visit you and travel 300 miles .

what the buggery is there to check ?

surely you would know if something amazing was planned that meant you wouldn't be in ?

me not understand Wink

madonnawhore · 24/02/2013 19:57

An I see.

Does NopeStillNothing maybe have a point? Do you never feel like you can say no to them?

MamaMumra · 24/02/2013 20:00

usualsuspect - Then my idea of family is clearly very different to most on MN

I'm with usual on this.

Family should be able to visit and your DH should suck it up. It's his tough shit if he doesn't like them.

Original poster
extremepie · 24/02/2013 20:01

I think they have some leave to take before a certain date so I don't think rearranging is an option unfortunately - they are going abroad to my cousins wedding in the summer so this will probably be their last opportunity for a while.

OP posts: