To not accept this invitation?

[StickEmWithThePointyEnd]

Myself and my siblings have been invited to a family birthday party. This is the very first family party we have ever been invited to (and they like their parties so there are always lots of them). So what has changed? Well my mum (the sister of the person who's party it is) is now dead and according to the family "it was more trouble than it was worth to invite you while she (mum) was alive".

So Aibu to decline the invitation (and any further contact with the family) on the basis that firstly my mum wouldn't have been such a PITA had she actually been treated like a member of the family and also because I don't deserve to be treated like this by these people?

Why did your aunt not want to invite your mum on previous occassions?

YANBU if your aunt was being malicious in her previous exclusion, but if your aunt had legitimate reasons to distance herself from your mum than maybe you can forgive?

So you and your siblings fell out with your mother. Now shes dead you've been invited to a party. And you feel you need to cut the whole family off because your mother was control freak?

Sorry, it's a bit unclear. Was your mum always invited or not? If not why not? and also why not you?

Too hard to make a judgement, usually this family stuff is very complicated.

YANBU to decline the invite if you don't want to go, but if an olive branch has been extended after a death in the family, it does seem a little unreasonable to not even consider it.

Sorry, mum was never invited and neither were we. Mums family didn't get on with her because of my mums mental health problems, I didn't always get on with my mum but we always made up. She was very difficult to live with but her family just washed their hands of her and us in the process. My mum was always very upset about this. I don't feel they really care is all.

Forget that they are family. Forget the history.

1. Do you like the people who are having the party? Do you enjoy their company? Or are they people you feel you'd like to know better because you will probably enjoy their company? Do you think they like you and enjoy your company?

2. Does the party sound fun? Do you want to go?

If the answers are Yes & Yes, accept the invitation. If not, don't.

tell them to fuck off with their invitation

Apologies for my assumptions - your OP read like your DM was invited but you werent because your DM wouldnt have liked it.

Go if you want to, or dont go if you don't want to.

Doesn't sound like you have had much contact with them anyway.

That is such an unbelievably nasty thing to say about someone's recently deceased mother.

"Now your Ma's dead you can come to our party. We couldn't be arsed with you before because she was such a head-wreck."

I wouldn't bother with them.

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't want to associate with people who could cut me off like that, because they were ignorant about mental health problems and couldn't be arsed with me because of my mum

I also wouldn't want to go running into the arms of people who sounded like they were really rather pleased my mum was dead and therefore no longer a hassle for them.

I wouldn't go.

I wouldn't go.

You'll spend the evening seething with resentment.

One part of me thinks, they were horrible, don't go.

But there is another older kinder side that says, maybe this is a good time for a fresh start? Yes they didn't cope with your mums mental health issues, and that is very sad for her, for you and for them.
But is this a time to give them another chance? Maybe they would like to have contact with you to make amends? To try and rebuild? People are complex and there is another side to them than just the uncoping side.

I always feel that I would be very slow to cut off family. Even if we don't always got on, they are part of my history and context, and matter to my dcs.

Back to the other side. I would cut people off if it just became too stressful or hard work to make it happen.

So I am comfortably sitting on the fence