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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be devastated 11 weeks later?

17 replies

Cunninglinguist03 · 14/02/2013 10:37

Fiancé left me 11 weeks ago with a 17 MO DS and pregnant.

We were trying for a baby, recently moved into a perfect home apart from some financial issues I cannot understand the problem and it was extremely unexpected.

OP posts:
comedycentral · 14/02/2013 10:39

Yanbu to still be feeling this way, it must have been a terrible shock :-)

fluckered · 14/02/2013 10:40

of course yanbu. how awful for you! have no advice really only that i hope you have some RL support through this very difficult time. i dont do hugs but you deserve one! (((hugs)))

kalidanger · 14/02/2013 10:40

No, YANBU. Sounds like the worst thing ever has happened, you poor thing.

Is he having an affair? What are your arrangements for the house/finances/contact?

valiumredhead · 14/02/2013 10:40

Yanbu, I would be a devastated for a lot longer than 11 weeks I can tell you! You poor thing Sad Thanks

RedHelenB · 14/02/2013 10:40

Another woman - it usually is!!

comedycentral · 14/02/2013 10:40

That was meant to be a Sad face

hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2013 10:41

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
It's a horrible situation to be left in for sure.
Have you spoken to him at all? Do you know why this happened?
Until you understand this, you won't get 'closure'.
11 weeks is not very long and it could take a lot longer before you get over this.
Understanding why, is the first step.
I wish you all the best.

NotSoNervous · 14/02/2013 10:41

YANBU Hmm I would be 11w later that's for sure
Have you got any help in RL?

MagicHouse · 14/02/2013 10:41

Ah that's sad. Of course you're still devastated, I should think it will take a long time to come to terms with that. Do you have some support around you? It must feel very scary for you. Is he talking to you at all? Is he just panicking, or does he really want to finish thngs?

The only think I would say, that as a lone parent with two small children (but a few years older than yours) life is very happy for me now, so don't give up thinking that things can get better for you, whatever happens.

Original poster
Cunninglinguist03 · 14/02/2013 10:43

Sorry posted early.

I am still crying everyday, Not sleeping and night and I am still trying to get him back.

He sees DS for 3-4 hours a week through choice and he doesn't pay anything towards DS as he is not 'entitled' to according to the CSA guidelines.

I am completely devastated, He told me to abort the baby when I told him (We were pretty sure before he left due to morning sickness but a pregnancy test confirmed this 2 days after him leaving) even though the baby was very much wanted by both of us and it broke my heart.

AIBU to still be feeling like this?

I am not coping very well with my emotions and even though my DS and this baby are the most important people in my life I can't help but still be completely heartbroken and want him back.

I had to move in with my parents so I lost my house, I sold my car to pay for our move an he kept his so I have been left without a car and I have been left heartbroken. :(

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 14/02/2013 10:51

I read your posts a few weeks ago when it first happened and really felt for you then. You're in a horrible situation and 11 weeks is nothing. I don't know what the 'average' timescale is for getting over this sort if thing, but I'm guessing a bit longer than this.

On a practical note, I don't know what he means by not 'entitled'. Most parents are 'obliged' to pay for the upkeep of their children. Does he work? Have you contacted the CSA for advice?

StuntGirl · 14/02/2013 10:55

If I remember rightly MrsV he's a student so exempt from paying.

It will take a while to get over op, you've been put throuh a terrible time. Be kind to yourself and make the use of any RL support you get Thanks

Unfortunatlyanxious · 14/02/2013 10:56

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cortneyfigel95 · 14/02/2013 11:00

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Original poster
Cunninglinguist03 · 14/02/2013 11:01

Thank you for a the replies.

It is me from a few weeks ago and it hasn't got any easier.

He is a student and therefore doesn't have to pay anything towards DS.

I do have the support of my family however it hasn't been easy and we have had some of our own problems as well.

It does help knowing that 11 weeks is still early days, Thank you for making me feel better about that. It feels like I am going to feel like this forever and never get over it :(

:(:(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/02/2013 11:18

I was still running on adrenalin almost a year after my marriage fell apart.
We are all different but it does take time. More for some, less for others.
It's a grieving process and you are pregnant. Don't rush it. Go the through the process at your own pace.
You will get there, I promise. It does get better.

Jenny70 · 14/02/2013 11:23

So sorry this has happened, YANBU to be devestated after 11 weeks, I'd say you'll be close to the edge until well after this baby is born - so many hormones and significant events you'll be facing on your own (baby moving, preparing for birth without him, knowing he may not step up and be involved with baby, being alone with newborn and toddler etc).

This is a tough hand to be dealt, not your fault at all - and you are right to feel grief, anger etc at this situation.

Perhaps if he was a casual fling, no children - after 11weeks I'd be encouraging you to move on, but this situation is sooooo much more, so much more commitment and investment, and to deal with whilst pregnant must be tough.

Keep going, one day at a time, and don't feel you "should be" feeling anything...

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