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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is fucking rude?

24 replies

Beckamaw · 11/02/2013 23:17

We have several children, including a small baby.
We have a group of friends, one of whom also has a small baby. We live 20 miles from them, and we all have hectic lives, so we don't see them often. They are party people, we have given up that lifestyle now.
We invited 'friend with baby' and her DH to dinner. Closest other friend will rarely miss an opportunity for a 'party night'. This night would be quiet and subdued, but we invited her and DP anyway, expecting polite refusal. But that's OK.
Instead, she has replied with 'ooh, that sounds lovely. Shall I contact (6 other party people) to invite them too?'
AIBU to think WTAF at this?

OP posts:
Eebahgum · 11/02/2013 23:19

Yeah, that is a bit rude. I'd just reply that your dining table isn't big enough to seat them all at once so you'll have to have them round some other time instead.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/02/2013 23:20

YANBU.

Who does that.

sooperdooper · 11/02/2013 23:20

I don't think it's rude, she's just expecting it to be a bit of a get together, if you want a quiet evening just say so

MrsKeithRichards · 11/02/2013 23:23

Do you normally meet as a group?

HollaAtMeBaby · 11/02/2013 23:25

Does your friend know that it was going to be just the 3 of you plus partners and that friendwithbaby is bringing her baby? It sounds like a misunderstanding.

SomethingOnce · 11/02/2013 23:26

It's rather presumptuous, but it sounds like she's just an enthusiastic socialiser. She probably won't mind if you say you'd prefer a quiet one.

somedayma · 11/02/2013 23:26

sounds like a misunderstanding?

TheMightyLois · 11/02/2013 23:29

Sounds like a mix up, rather than being rude.

Just reply and say that its just you, friend with baby and hopefully her, and it'll just be a quiet get together

ClaraBean · 11/02/2013 23:29

I don't think it's rude.
We might (usually do) do this amongst my group of friends, sometimes its a yes, big old party, but nobody is offended if it's a no.
Just say you are having a quiet night as the kids are in, or something, or just say no, you are just having a small dinner party.
I certainly wouldn't be offended, and I don't think it is rude (not between proper friends anyway, maybe if you are just new friends or something)

Original poster
Beckamaw · 11/02/2013 23:29

Interestingly, there was a similar scenario a couple of years ago. Sunday lunch invitation was emailed by another friend. One of the guests replied with: 'Lovely! I have e-mailed Jane and Belinda too because I'm sure they would love to come and I haven't seen them in ages.'
The host didn't even know Jane and Belinda!
The friend mentioned in my OP was, in this case, furious on the hosts behalf.

I'm still Shock that anyone thinks it's ok to do this. I wouldn't dream of it!

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 11/02/2013 23:33

My immediate reaction was "yes, that's rude" but on reflection I think she may not have understood the type of evening you were suggesting? Think if you just explain she will apologise

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2013 23:33

It sounds like she misunderstood and was trying to be helpful maybe?

drownangels · 11/02/2013 23:36

We do this all the time. There have been a few misunderstandings over the year but all's well.

It's not rude.

MissKGF · 11/02/2013 23:36

Yes it is bloody rude to ask to invite others to your house who you havnt invited or asked to be invited! The trouble is ppl are afraid to just tell the truth "no thank you, it's invite only, we want a quiter night but maybe some other time". We all move on different directions, no harm in making that clear when others are a few steps behind. Have had this happen us once to often, put a stop to it before its to late.

Original poster
Beckamaw · 11/02/2013 23:37

She knew about the babies.
I presented it as 'X and Y are coming to dinner with little Z, why don't you join us with DP?'

I often wonder whether childless people really appreciate the difference made by having kids.
We have been friends for several years, but she has never appreciated that babies and hangovers don't mix.

I'm not saying it's malicious, it's just annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckamaw · 11/02/2013 23:55

I told her it wasn't happening - not enough room and want a quiet evening with babies etc.
To her credit she has apologised, said it will be fab anyway.

Perhaps I'm being a bit sensitive.

OP posts:
FakePlasticLobsters · 12/02/2013 00:28

It was a bit odd, because surely you would have invited them yourself if you had wanted to. Why would you need her to invite someone else to your house?

wibblyjelly · 12/02/2013 02:09

Yes, this is very rude. Before we had ds, one of my dh friends would do this, but not even tell us. So, we would invite him round for a couple of drinks, and he would turn up with a bloody entourage, despite being told the invite was just for him. He doesn't do it since we've had ds, but so annoying, and got to the point where I didn't want to invite him at all.

Astelia · 12/02/2013 04:22

Hang on- you invited a friend but expected a polite refusal? What a strange thing to do.

Why did you invite her in the first place when you didn't want her to come?

You could have just had a quiet dinner with the other couple and their baby. There was no need to mention it to anyone else surely.

anonymosity · 12/02/2013 04:27

Its a misunderstanding more than rude. Just tell her not to invite others, its a small dinner for a few friends only.

Original poster
Beckamaw · 12/02/2013 07:12

Astelia, I didn't expect her to come because she is notorious for rejecting invitations are 'not really her thing'. She will go clubbing with anyone at half an hour's notice. She's not one for quiet evenings.
To put this in perspective, she has refused/ cancelled the last three such evenings in favour of better offers.

I did want her to come, which was why I invited her.

I didn't want the others to come, which is why they weren't invited.

OP posts:
quesadilla · 12/02/2013 08:03

It's definitely presumptuous but some people have difficulty understanding the way others lives change after having kids. I would just say firmly that you don't have space for the other 6.

lollilou · 12/02/2013 08:11

I don't think it's rude ahe only asked whether she could invite some other friends sounds like a misunderstanding as she apologised later. We have a select group of friends and nearly all invites out would include them.

aurynne · 12/02/2013 08:18

Well, I don't have children, but would not deem it acceptable for any of my friends to bring another 5 friends around when invited to my house.

She sounds like a very gregarious person, who backed up when called upon it, so not really a problem is it? And no, people who have no children have no idea of the upheaval caused by having them, just as people who do not raise giraffes have no idea of the intricacies of giraffe raising, and no one would expect them to :P

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