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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not hard to remember things?

50 replies

saturdaymorningyawn · 07/02/2013 22:55

Today I had scheduled a meeting with work where my manager and I were going to discuss hours, contracts etc for when I return from mat leave. My partners mum also had something very important happening today. After he was home for an hour I told him not to worry my meeting had been cancelled anyway. He said "oh that I'd forgotten" no apology.
I then asked him if he'd spoken to his mum. He then said he'd forgotten that too and I should have reminded him. When I pointed
out that these were both pretty important things so he should remember he went on about how busy he is and how important his work is. This all comes on the back of him forgetting our DS second lot of immunisations and other pretty important stuff. He is a fantastic father but I felt again his work took priority.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to care
enough to remember these things?

OP posts:

KobayashiMaru · 07/02/2013 22:57

Sometimes it is hard to remember things, if you have a lot to think about. Of course it is possible he just doesn't care, but it doesn;t necessarily mean that.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 07/02/2013 22:58

Not sure that his level of remebering is connected to his care for you, some people are just forgetful when they're in another zone, iyswim?

wellhellobeautiful · 07/02/2013 22:58

No YANBU. I think that is shitty and rude. There's no excuse.

wellhellobeautiful · 07/02/2013 22:59

I take a hard line on stuff like this!

KobayashiMaru · 07/02/2013 22:59

Of course there is. There are lots of them.

TheSkiingGardener · 07/02/2013 23:01

Hmmm. Is he as forgetful about his own stuff or his work stuff?

If he is genuinely forgetful then give the guy a break. If he only forgets stuff that isn't all about him then give him a kick.

NatashaBee · 07/02/2013 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whoknowswhocares · 07/02/2013 23:04

If he forgot stuff at work all the time, he couldn't function. So as he's successfully holding down his job, it's not that he can't remember things.
He doesn't see it as important enough.
Which bloody sucks! Yanbu

StuntGirl · 07/02/2013 23:25

If he is genuinely forgetful then give the guy a break. If he only forgets stuff that isn't all about him then give him a kick.

^ This.

Original poster

saturdaymorningyawn · 08/02/2013 00:32

I got him a Filofax for Christmas and we have a calendar in the kitchen with important stuff on it precisely so he wouldn't forget things. He never forgets things to do with his work and generally things to do with himself. He just makes me feel that his career and work is so much more important than mine. I understand that his job is busy and stressful and I am very supportive of him, I'm not quite so sure he is as supportive of me though. So maybe a good kick up the backside is what he needs.

OP posts:

MechanicalTheatre · 08/02/2013 00:42

My partner can be like this. He is very single-minded.

He does a big project for work once every 3 months. The deadline for it is 3 weeks away. It is basically 50% of his job.

I spoke to him today and he said "wait, it's the 7th? But that means the project is due in 3 weeks! I haven't even started it yet!"

How he can spend all day at work and not realise this project is coming up is really beyond me.

But we are talking about a man who once spent 2 hours lacing up a pair of shoes and I think that is the problem.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 08/02/2013 00:42

All my personal appointments go in my work Outlook marked as private, DH does the same and we share appointments eg who is collecting which child with each other.

We absolutely would forget without this. It's not unreasonable to forget, it is unreasonable not to have a system eg a reminder in his phone to call his mum - thAt he puts in, not you.

catladycourtney1 · 08/02/2013 00:49

My DP has a memory like a sieve! I don't think he's forgotten anything really important yet (although our daughter is due in a few weeks and he's the type who would leave a baby on a bus or something!), but he forgets things I've said and that other people have said, and plans we've made and things like that, and he forgets to take his lunch to work on pretty much a daily basis, or to put his work clothes in the wash when he needs them the next day. On the other hand, I remember pretty much everything, I can recall whole conversations from years ago. He makes out like I'm some kind of savant and that he's normal, but seriously, how hard can it be to remember things that are about yourself? I mean, I couldn't give a toss about his work clothes, but it's me that ends up sorting them out for him. He's the one who has to find them at five in a morning and yet he never remembers the night before to get them sorted.

Sorry for that little rant . Like others have said, does he forget little things too, or things that are important to him? He might just be genuinely forgetful (or just dreadfully disorganised), but then again he might just not think that the things you mentioned are important enough to warrant remembering.

MechanicalTheatre · 08/02/2013 00:56

Hmm catlady I'd say that your husband continues to forget his work clothes because he knows you'll remember.

catladycourtney1 · 08/02/2013 01:05

I'd say that's probably true. I keep telling him I'm not doing it for him anymore, but he's just started a new job after being made redundant last year, and he's in his temporary/probationary period so I don't want to risk him being late or not having what he needs. I know it's his responsibility but I'm going to be relying on his keeping his job while I'm on maternity leave!

GreenLeafTea · 08/02/2013 01:14

I'm terrible for forgetting my husbands things. He gets really annoyed because I keep forgetting his business trips. I'm just a forgetful person though.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 08/02/2013 01:28

I accept that some people have bad memories. I don't accept that any adult is incapable of organising themselves so that they don't forget things, by using a diary/ calendar/ post-its etc. Organising them is just enabling them

LadyWidmerpool · 08/02/2013 01:36

Did her forget to take your DS for his immunisations or to ask you how they went? If the latter I really don't think that is something to get upset about. Nor is forgetting about your meeting IMO. But he shouldn't be expecting you to be a human calendar for his own stuff, that's unreasonable.

Ghostsgowoooh · 08/02/2013 01:42

Some people have terrible memories and find it hard to remember to even look at a calendar or use a Filofax particularly if they find life very overwhelming or they have so much on and they are hanging on by the skin of their teeth.

Depression can sometimes make you forgetful and so can chronic ongoing tiredness. So can some disorders such as ADHD. It's pants to always be forgetful and disorganised, and sometimes it's so much more than just 'oh learn to use a diary/calender'

I am chronically forgetful, but if you lived my life you would understand why

KatieMiddleton · 08/02/2013 01:52

You need an online calendar whatsit where you can both enter stuff and put reminders on with alarms. You could worry about this of just fix it. Unless he's a thoughtless cock in which case you have my sympathy.

My diary is full of things with a reminder the day before with alarm and a reminder an hour or two before with alarm. It is missing a few things including dh's annual leave because I forgot to put it in my calendar and he forgot to remind me

Do people really have Filofaxes these days? I suspect many people are like me and would have a beautiful but empty one.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 08/02/2013 01:59

Ghost Maybe, but set alarms on your calendar (even basic phones have this function) so that they remind you by dinging/vibrating. You only make life more overwhelming by forgetting stuff as it makes you feel even more chaotic and disorganised.

Ghostsgowoooh · 08/02/2013 02:20

Tried that. It doesn't always work. I set my alarm for a dentist appointment once, great, all ok as the alarm was set for two hours before thinking it would prepare me ie get ready. I still forgot! Even though my phone reminded me two hours before!

I don't tend to forget the very important stuff like my dc hospital appointments but I do tend to hyper focus on those because I'm terrified of forgetting them.

Anything else is a no no. I never remind myself of my stuff because I'm not really important enough, my kids and everyone else are far more worthy.
It's the little things like remembering to bring school money in, remembering to bring book bags back, remembering the kids shit for school. I have 4dc and no partner and my eldest has autism and ADHD, my dd has irlens and other health problems and the other two are poor sleepers so I find life overwhelming. There's just no time.

I just walk round half asleep most of the time

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 08/02/2013 02:21

I don't see what the big deal is tbh. I'm really sorry this isn't going to be what you want to hear. You had a meeting, his Mum had something - he forgot to ask how they went. So what? Maybe he's knackered and has other things from work on his mind? It sounds like you deliberately waited to see if he asked how they went. Ugh. That's mean! Can't be doing with games - why can't you have an adult conversation when he comes home and mention your thing got cancelled during the chat. Why make it a big issue? Why go looking for an issue? We're supposed to help and support each other as partners, not search for faults. We're on the same team! Nobody is perfect and I'm sure you do plenty to bug him.

Original poster

saturdaymorningyawn · 08/02/2013 02:55

Katie your Filofax comment made me ! Very true and I think it's probably what he thought when he opened it! I may need him to set an online diary for us.

I've calmed down a bit now. Angel parts of your comment rang true. I did wait an hour before mentioning it as I wanted to see if he did remember. Games? Maybe. Or just being plain old fed up that he doesn't seem that interested in me anymore, I don't know. I don't accept his memory is that bad as he remembers his own stuff and all his work stuff no problems.

OP posts:

AngelAtTheTopOfTheTree · 08/02/2013 03:04

I hear you. I really do! But he's a man. His focus is to provide, hence why he remembers all of his 'work stuff'. In his eyes, he's doing a wonderful job! Men do not think like us. That's why lesbians always look so happy.

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