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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lazy DHs. Why did you marry them?

107 replies

magimedi · 07/02/2013 17:04

I see many women on MN moaning about the fact that their husbands won't help round the house, can't cook, can't work a washing machine, don't help with childcare etc etc.

Did you not think about this before you married them? I've been married for nearly 30 years and right from the start my DH has cooked, cleaned & helped with childcare.

I honestly would not, and could not, have married a man who could not do these basic tasks. I would have no respect for them.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 07/02/2013 17:06

Neither would I.

givemeaclue · 07/02/2013 17:07

Me neither, always wondered that

Trills · 07/02/2013 17:09

Because they were in luuuuuuuurve, and love is blind.

Or maybe the men in question tried harder before they were married.

Or maybe before they had children there was much less housework to be done, so they didn't realise that they were doing it all.

Sparklingbrook · 07/02/2013 17:09

I don't see how you can tell whether they are lazy when it comes to childcare if you have DC after you get married.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2013 17:10

There was one thread about a DH where the DW had cleaned his flat BEFORE they lived together and it was completely unsanitary. I was gobsmacked. I couldn't have shagged someone who would countenance me doing that. If I suggested it and pigs might fly the correct response from the future DH would be, "am mortified, I will clean my own place immediately".

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. If they don't clean when you are going out, they won't when you are married.

CailinDana · 07/02/2013 17:10

It shocked me when my 23 year old sister told me that she was talking to her (highly educated, intelligent) friends recently and they expressed the belief that it was the woman's job to take care of housework while the man should do DIY, gardening etc. I was gobsmacked that young women still believe that in this day and age. My own mother who worked full time while my dad stayed at home and did nothing berated me for not doing my DH's washing when we moved in together as students. When I asked her why I should do his washing, she couldn't come up with any sensible reason. Similarly when I've said on MN that I don't do my DH's washing, I've been told I was a bad mother (?), that DH was going to leave me, that I was petty, vindictive etc etc. There was a hugely visceral and sometimes very nasty reaction to the idea that I don't wash his clothes, despite the fact that DH has no problem whatsoever with it.

To answer your question, even in today's "equal" world there is still the lurking and very powerful belief that housework is a woman's job, and it's a belief that women subscribe to as well as men. The thing is, that's not so bad when you first marry and you're childless and have plenty of time to keep your lovely new marital home sparkling. It's a different story entirely when children come along and suddenly you realise you're everyone's slave.

valiumredhead · 07/02/2013 17:10

Men that muck in with everything else are unlikely to be unreasonable about sharing childcare ime.

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 07/02/2013 17:11

I'm just glad DH didn't realise what a lazy sod I am before we got married.

Tensixtysix · 07/02/2013 17:11

I know someone who's husband in 20yrs of marriage has never given her a birthday or Xmas present as it would be a waste of money. But he goes out and gets himself gear for his fishing trips (he goes every weekend, leaving her with the kids).
I would have strangled him by now with a fishing line!!!

11stone4 · 07/02/2013 17:14

I'm a typical stepford wife type and very happy to be so. Works great for us!

Purple2012 · 07/02/2013 17:16

I do my husbands washing. He does the majority of the cleaning so it works for us. Luckily my husband wasn't lazy before we married and isn't lazy now.

GrendelsMum · 07/02/2013 17:17

Apparently when we first moved in together my DH had a momentary flash when he thought "Why hasn't Grendel cooked my supper?" (his mum was a SAHM all his life and cooked every meal). Then he thought "Why the fuck should Grendel make my supper because she's female?" and got on and cooked it himself. He has since chivvied his dad into taking over cooking and is working on getting him to do shopping.

phoenixrose314 · 07/02/2013 17:19

My DH is a lazy sod, he holds his hands up and admits it... But he will cook if he gets in before me, he will do any job I ask if him as long as u do ask and not demand, and he is never bothered by helping out. It's just that if I didn't ask him to do it, it wouldn't get done! Lol :)

valiumredhead · 07/02/2013 17:20

11stone I am too because dh works really long hours but he does his fair share when needed, this week I have been floored with a chest infection and he's taken over all the jobs I normally do. He does tons of DIY, does all the gardening so it all balances out.

simplesusan · 07/02/2013 17:21

People change. Relationships change. women often stop working outside the home for a while when they have children.
Before we were married and had dc our rule was that whoever got in from work first cooked. The other person did the washing up. We never had a problem. I told dh that I would not be ironing his clothes neither did I expect him to do mine. All fine. Enter dc and dh began to slide into the mindset that I should do more chores.

All came to a head when I told him to pull his finger out and do more housework. he simply hadn' realised how much I was doing until I pointed it all out to him and basically told him that unless he did more, as per our initial agreement, then I wanted him to leave and I meant it.

He did harp on about other women doing all the housework. I told him to go and fucking live with these other fabulous bloody women then. He got the message.

MrsKoala · 07/02/2013 17:23

MrsTP - that might have been me! :) I had to scrub dh's bathroom before I would sit on the loo.

I married him accepting he would never do any cooking or cleaning. We were not in luuurve tbf, but had a pragmatic approach which was he works long hours, very hard and loves it, earns a decent wage. I on the other hand earn min wage, hate working etc So we made the decision I would not work and the lions share of things dc and house related would be my 'job' ( we also got a cleaner when ds arrived) I do gat pissed off sometimes, not because he doesn't do anything but because he actively makes it worse. Ie just after the bathroom is cleaned he will finish the loo roll and throw the cardboard on the floor - he doesn't see the difference of it being there or in the bin. ( he is suspected asd )

FellatioNels0n · 07/02/2013 17:24

I just clicked on this thread to see if it was started by Hully. I was just wondering if she had a theme going.

Pandemoniaa · 07/02/2013 17:26

I don't understand why women marry lazy men who live in pigsties, no. Although that's probably unfair on pigs.

However, laziness can be very incremental and any change in circumstances can reveal surprising degrees of slothfulness. My ex-dh wasn't what I'd call obsessed by housework and cleaning but when we first moved in together we split all the domestic chores between us. Over the years, and two children later, he gradually did less and less. I tackled him about this and refused to become a Stepford wife but his indolence and disinclination to do his fair share of childcare, housework and the like was a contributory factor in us splitting up.

So basically, what I'd say is that quite a few men are not lazy bastards at the outset. However, you do yourself no favours by encouraging them in the habit and sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. For sure, I wasn't put on the earth to be some man's servant.

Thisisaeuphemism · 07/02/2013 17:26

DH did think carefully - my 'untidiness' did nearly put him off but he went for love and pays for a cleaner.

EuroShagmore · 07/02/2013 17:28

I thought this was why many people lived with their partner before marriage - to give them a trial run?

PS - mine passed.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 07/02/2013 17:29

I married him cos he's handsome, very very funny, warm hearted, clever, ambitious but not blinded by material goods, great father material, fantastic lover and has more integrity than anybody else I know. We are so happy.

That he has to be reminded to swally around the toilet duck now and again isnt a dealbreaker for me. He lives with my histrionic drama queeny ways and my hot temper..id say thats prob more irritating.

Trills · 07/02/2013 17:29

Fellatio - you can set Active to tell you who started a thread.

It did seem in keeping with the theme :)

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2013 17:30

Hi Mrs Koala TBF you did marry a Koala so they are known to be bad at housework

I think it is different when women want to do the lion's share of the housework and childcare and the DH works long hours outside the home. They should do more if possible. If that is the agreement that is fine. I think the issue is when women work, do childcare, do housework, earn less and have less spending money because money isn't shared. Man are not better than women. Everyone should do the same amount of work and get the same amount of free time and spending money.

Oh, and if DH dropped a toilet roll inside on the floor his next chore would be digging a shallow grave for himself under the patio.

Original poster

magimedi · 07/02/2013 17:39

Fellatio I did get inspiration from Hully's thread.

If you are happy with the arrangement you have come to with your partner, that's fine. I never iron, DH enjoys it (mad, I know), He never weeds as that is my favourite job of all in the garden.

But it's the people who moan about how their partner has always been a lazy sod, won't learn to cook, won't do stuff in emergencies even, that I was really wondering about. Were they really so blinded by lurve??

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 07/02/2013 17:39

simplesusan My hero!

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