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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so upset about wedding plans

78 replies

ihateconflict · 25/01/2013 20:57

DS got engaged last weekend, and he and fiance have set heart on a May wedding next year. They asked DD to be bridesmaid. However, DD is on a work placement in australia for 8 weeks, which includes the whole of may, which cant be changed. DS feels it is his wedding, hence he should choose the day. DD wants and needs to do this placement as it is the culmination of 5 years of training, and is an essential part of qualifying. I feel that DS should have his wedding either before she goes, or when she returns, as they have not yet decided the exact date. DH says both have to make their choice. The thought of not having my DD at the wedding reduces me to tears, she will be devastated, as will the rest of the family. I might add that we are not a family who have ever argued, and have always managed to do things considering others thoughts and feelings. It seems my only solution is to pay for DD to return for the wedding, but i really cant afford the £1000 airfare, although i would do anything to have my family together.

OP posts:

Narked · 25/01/2013 21:00

Your DS chose a date when she can't be there. Is he bothered that she'll miss it?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 25/01/2013 21:03

YAB a bit unreasonable, as it's your son's (and his fiance's) wedding and not up to you to make them move it, or to make him feel bad about when he is having it.

I don't think daughter should move her placement, and I don't think you should pay to fly her home either - she may not be able to take the time off from the placement, anyway.

If son is set on a May wedding he'll just have to accept his sister won't be there. This need not be a big deal, it's only a wedding.

(Disclaimer - I have never understood wedding-related fuss, my own wedding was a very basic job and I think the marriage is more important than spending loads of money and creating loads of angst over a "big day". So feel free to ignore me!)

blackeyedsusan · 25/01/2013 21:04

i think you may have to start saving. dd can save too. (you could a,ays give them less fo present to help, but for goodness sake do not tell them that!)

find out whether there is a particular reason they want may and not june or july. it may be really important to them. pushing it can really alienate you futue dil...

Original poster

ihateconflict · 25/01/2013 21:06

narked..when they said a May wedding, they didnt realise this was when DD was going to be away on her elective placement. They have not actually arranged the date yet, hence my feeling they could have it on a date in which she will be in country. He would very much want her to be there, especially as she is bridesmaid

OP posts:

Narked · 25/01/2013 21:07

'She will be devastated, as will the rest of the family'

Really? Your DH doesn't seem devastated.

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2013 21:07

What endoplasmic said.

It's only a wedding.

redexpat · 25/01/2013 21:09

I'm of the view that you check with the main players of a wedding before you name the date. And it's not like DD is off on a jolly - it's a part of her qualifying. Also like you say the work experience has been arranged whilst the date of the wedding hasn't been set in stone.

I understand where DS is coming from though. Could you look into the logistics of getting DD back from Oz? If it really is impossible/super expensive would that make DS reconsider?

Why are they set on a May wedding?

Narked · 25/01/2013 21:11

Ah. And now he does he's bothered that she can't be there? The date is his choice but if he puts any kind of pressure on your DD to be there he'd be being very unfair - he hasn't even chosen a date yet and he knows she can't do it that month.

Doilooklikeatourist · 25/01/2013 21:11

Can you not just say to him ..
Are you really going to plan your wedding for next May , when you know that your sister will not be there to celebrate with you ?

BuiltForComfort · 25/01/2013 21:13

Well if they want her as a bridesmaid they can't have a May wedding. 8 week placement in Australia, already arranged and the culmination of 5 yrs training leading directly to her qualifying? She can't possibly miss it and really how practical is it for her to fly back, let alone the expense. Far better for her to finish her training and come back for the wedding and a lovely long visit to see family, celebrate properly with her DB etc.

If they haven't set the date yet, they don't need to pick May. They will still be husband and wife if the date is April or June or any other month before or after. Your son and fiancee are being ridiculous. If they go with may then dd should not feel blackmailed into attending, either by her DB OR by you.

ajandjjmum · 25/01/2013 21:15

I'd be gutted too. Is your DS under pressure for May from his fiance?

LunaticFringe · 25/01/2013 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patchouli · 25/01/2013 21:16

I don't think she should be nipping back when she's only got 8 weeks there anyway.
If he won't get married when his sister's around then having the 'family together' just isn't a high priority for him.

ivykaty44 · 25/01/2013 21:17

They haven't actually set a date - but want May 2-14 when your dd is away.

I would sit tight for a few days, maybe weeks as when they start to organise the wedding they might find out that they can't just get married when they want. They will need to book the wedding venue, the wedding breakfast and these two points may not have May slots available...

Op what date will your dd be back from Australia?

Bue · 25/01/2013 21:17

What on earth is so special about May? It is most odd that your DS really wants your DD there, but won't compromise on the month. I'd be really upset if I were you.

MusicalEndorphins · 25/01/2013 21:19

I'd be surprised if either of my sons would do that to each other. I mean what is 8 weeks, it is nothing. I think your son should be the one to pay for his sister to come back, not you. Bridesmaid or not, if he wants her there, he will have to plan so she can be.

Shelby2010 · 25/01/2013 21:21

All you can do is make sure DS knows the dates when DD will be away, then leave it for him & fiancee to think about. Pressuring him won't help. Have they got a particular reason for a May wedding? Impending baby, needs a visa?

ToomuchWaternotWine · 25/01/2013 21:22

My suspicious side wonders if his fiancée dislikes your DD for some reason and wants to avoid having her as bridesmaid? Maybe completely off target here but it does seem odd. Did they meet in May or does it have some other significance for them that you aren't aware of?

Patchouli · 25/01/2013 21:26

I also meant to say - don't offer your DD the airfare to pop back.
It wouldn't be fair on her to put her in that position.

YourHandInMyHand · 25/01/2013 21:27

OP your DS can have his wedding whenever he wants, wherever and with whoever there. They could go get married abroad just the 2 of them! Getting all teary about your DD being there won't do you any favours in trying to convince them to rearrange the date. State the facts, May will mean sis can't be bridesmaid, and leave it at that.

hrrumph · 25/01/2013 21:36

It's a decision for your ds to make I think. With some negotiating with this gf. Your dd cannot change her plans and neither should you pay the airfare.

I would take a step back I think. It won't be the end of the world if your dd isn't there. Upsetting, yes.

But it's really up to your ds and his gf.

Original poster

ihateconflict · 25/01/2013 21:37

nothing particularly special about may, although DS's fiance likes May as spring flowers/not too hot weather. i cant help feeling i will harbour some anger and resentment towards them, and it will definaty lessen my enjoyment of the wedding and the preparations for the day, and I seriously feel that it would spoil my relationship with DS fiance. The thing about weddings is that the whole family want to enjoy the celebration, and i feel that the wider family will be upset as well if DD not there, and i actually dread having to tell them if that is what they decide.

OP posts:

Strangemagic · 25/01/2013 21:46

YABU,two people get married not a family,really it's about what they choose,not what the extended family want.
Why are you blaming ds fiance, it's their decision not just hers.Really not worth getting so upset over,she will become your sons family,and you have the potential to be one of "those "mil I read about on here.

Squeakygate · 25/01/2013 21:47

I always wanted to get married in May. We didn't, I got over it! The important thing was getting married, not the date.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 25/01/2013 21:50

Why do you have to tell them that the wider family will be upset???

That is just stirring it up when there is no need to.

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