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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want ds(6) to sleepover?

47 replies

waltermittymissus · 24/01/2013 15:04

DS was 6 on Monday. He's in senior infants (I think that's one above reception in UK?)

Anyway, he's good friends in school with John. Go to each other's parties etc. We had John over to play at our house. This wasn't reciprocated as mum has 4 children under 6 and seems to find it difficult.

This wasn't done as any slight to DS or me she just didn't do play days last year.

This year she says she'd like to have DS over. Great. However she wants him to sleep over.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her (I have no reason to not trust her, no creepy feeling or anything. She's lovely.)

I was saying no to the sleepover but she said it to DS and John while we were discussing it and then started saying how lonely her children get as they've no friends in their estate etc. she said "I really want to do this for my boy".

I suggested just playing for the day but she wants him to stay over! She was quite forceful about it. I ended up agreeing but I really, really don't want him to.

I don't know them well enough. I think he's too young. He sometimes still has wet nights. He's never ever been to their house before (parties have been in soft plays etc)

People in RL are unanimous in saying they wouldn't allow it. So, AIBU to not want him to and if not, how the fuck do I get out of it now?

OP posts:

Graceparkhill · 24/01/2013 15:07

Does your DS want to go? Is he near enough for you to collect him if he changes his mind?

Numberlock · 24/01/2013 15:07

What does your son think? And how far away does she live?

Numberlock · 24/01/2013 15:07

Great minds think alike Grace.

Graceparkhill · 24/01/2013 15:08

Yep!

ohforfoxsake · 24/01/2013 15:10

6 is young to sleep over IMO. My 6 yo has been to a couple but always with her older sister.

Has she promised her child and so she's being pushy?

If it were me, I'd say he's too young but if her child would like to come to you, that would be ok. Or simply that he isn't happy to stay away all night and maybe in 6 months?

Does your child want to go? Sleepovers at that age might seem a good idea but the reality may be very different.

I'm not keen on sleepovers under the age of 8 personally.

Onlyconnect · 24/01/2013 15:10

YANBU. It's up to you and if you don't want it that's fine. You need to tell her straight that it's not happening. Can you text her? You can say that you are happy for him to play but that he is not sleeping over. You don't need to give a reason. I always used to think I had to give people reasons for not doing things, it was only quite recently that I realised that you don't it's such a liberation! Good luck.

familyfun · 24/01/2013 15:11

yanbu, too young unless he and you know family very well and he is comforatble at the house.

acceptableinthe80s · 24/01/2013 15:14

I actually posted about a similar situation where my cousin kept on at me to let ds (4) sleep over. Eventually i just said i felt he was too young, maybe next year. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable in your situation where your child hasn't even visited the house,and the fact that she was quite forceful about it would put me right off.
Just tell the mother that after thinking about it you don't feel he's ready for sleepovers yet and don't get drawn into the why's etc.
TBH i can't imagine why she's so keen, sounds like she has her hands full as it is.

bowerbird · 24/01/2013 15:14

Don't be pushed into this if you don't feel it's right for you DC right now. Just say you don't think he's ready yet but will think about it again in six months.

BTW it's really not on to discuss this kind of thing in front of the children - mums (or dads) discuss this first. In private.

InNeedOfBrandy · 24/01/2013 15:19

Hmm I don't think 6 is to young,

Could you lend him (not give) a cheap old mobile to take with him with your number on so if he wants to come home he can ring you without awkwardly having to tell the friends mum?

I expect Op he would go stay up till 11 giggling and playing with his friend and have a really good time.

Original poster

waltermittymissus · 24/01/2013 15:22

Thanks for all your replies. I'm glad to see it's not just me! :)

DS is keen to go but only because it's 'new' and has been talked up IYSWIM. He's not a clingy child in any way, but as you've said, he's never even been to this house!

I think she's pushy because a) she's promised her DS and b) she's desperate for him to have friends. She's the only one in her family that doesn't live close to each other so I think she feels her dc are missing out.

I'm mortified because I have to see her every day! I did originally say just a play day and again today I said a sleepover wasn't convenient so a play day would suit.

But she didn't let up and by the time she finished I felt guilty enough to have DS move in with them!

I think I will cowardly text and say DS is a bit anxious about staying away all night so maybe just days for a while till we all get to know each other better?

Oh, sorry, for the posters who asked: they live in a different town across from ds's school so about a 15 minute drive.

OP posts:

Original poster

waltermittymissus · 24/01/2013 15:24

Do you think INeed? Dh thinks he'd be fine too.

In my gut it's just not sitting right. I don't think it's sinister in any way, just a bit too much too soon? Bit over enthusiastic!

OP posts:

Numberlock · 24/01/2013 15:43

And does your son want to go? You could either let him go for the sleep over and be prepared to pick him up at short notice if he has a change of heart.

Or let him go but pick him up at bedtime.

I don't think age is relevant, it's how comfortable everybody is with the arrangement.

InNeedOfBrandy · 24/01/2013 15:44

My dd for her 7th birthday had a sleepover party (it was hell ) and 2 children who had never been over before for tea let alone to sleep stayed as well as ones that come over all the time. I can honestly say OP not one of them asked to go home, no one was upset or missed their parents and they all had a great time.

I couldn't wait to get rid of them mind

SlowLooseChippings · 24/01/2013 15:54

If you really want to get him out of it... Ring up and say he's had another wet night recently and you don't want to take any chances in someone else's house, so it would be best not to as he is still so small. But of course he can stay til bedtime/teatime.

Then be firm. If she tries to guilt trip you again you can laugh and say "sure there'll be plenty of time for sleepovers down the line, let's take it easy for now".

Original poster

waltermittymissus · 24/01/2013 15:57

Yes he does say he wants to go. I'm a bit apprehensive about the wet nights as well as anything else!

I could send him in a pull up but he is paranoid about it.

I don't think I'd mind as much if it was a sleepover party to be honest. Although that probably sounds weird! Oh I don't know! I keep toing and froing!

OP posts:

Original poster

waltermittymissus · 24/01/2013 15:58

SLC that's quite good actually! I may do that! :)

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 24/01/2013 15:59

Ds started doing sleepovers at 6 with people other than family friends. His first was with a neighbour and we know them really well and the boys go to school together.

I would want a playdate first before a sleepover for all manner of reasons. Ring her and tell her he has wet nights and so tea after school is a better option to start off with - do NOT be pushed into something you feel uncomfortable about.

If she find normal playmates hard, and tbh who wouldn't with lots of kids, why would she offer a sleepover?

Callisto · 24/01/2013 16:03

I don't think I would say anything about your son having another wet night - how moritfying for him if the mother tells her son.

I would just say no, he isn't ready for a sleep over. And keep saying it until she gets the message. People who can't take no for an answer really piss me off and are bloody rude imo.

takeonboard · 24/01/2013 16:05

My DS has always loved sleepovers and started having sleepovers with schoolfriends at around 5yrs. However I was happy about it and so was he, I wouldn't be pushed into it if either you or your DS have reservations.

BTW DS had a friend who wore pull ups until he was 10, they had lots of sleepovers DS was surprised when he first saw the pull ups but never mentioned it again and didn't think any less of his friend for it!

valiumredhead · 24/01/2013 16:05

Good point - I'd swap 'we't for 'nightmare.'

Lafaminute · 24/01/2013 16:05

I never do sleepovers - nor do some of my friends. Me because I want to know dc are safe under my roof (or granny's roof occasionally) but friends because of various reasons: ones ds decided at 11pm that he wanted to go home and she had to drive an hour to collect him - another discovered the kids had been left w/a babysitter while the parents went out (she discovered this the next day) and another time the mother locked the (sleeping) kids into the house and went downtown to the shop (pub?). Another friends dd was on a sleepover when the mother was nasty to my friends dd, the dd was distraught but couldn't get back to her mother until she was dropped home next morning. If you're not comfortable with the idea just say NO!! You're his mother - it is your responsibility to make the right decision for his well being and it sounds like your instinct is screaming not to let him go! He can go when he's older and will be none the worse off for the wait.

valiumredhead · 24/01/2013 16:05

wet

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/01/2013 16:07

I would let DS do it if he wants to. What's the worst that will happen? He'll get upset and want to go home late at night - really not the end of the world is it.

jellybeans · 24/01/2013 16:10

No way would I have let DSs go but DDs were about 7 with people I trusted only. With parents I didn't know it was secondary.

It's easy, you just make an excuse. Say you are very sorry but after thinking it over DS will NOT be doing sleepovers just yet. However you are very grateful for the offer and he would love to play sometime. If she still doesn't respect you then just avoid her from now on. The kids can still play at school together.

I have done this many times when I felt uncomfortable. I had parents inviting my DC abroad with them in primary school and I didn't know/like them so said no.

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