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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want df to go out every night?

61 replies

PrettyKitty1986 · 21/01/2013 22:32

I don't mean on the lash. Df has decided he wants to get fit and has started this new 'insanity' fitness plan. Basically, it's an 8 week programme where you work out for an hour, 6 days a week, following a high intensity DVD. He's doing it with a work mate, and going to his house every evening after work (to do it in his mates garage...he couldn't do the work out at home as there's a lot of jumping aound and we don't have the ceiling height).
Anyway, he's been finishing work at 6, coming home for a quick change and to say goodnight to the kids, then leaving, and getting back anywhere between 9 and 10pm. It's only been a week and I'm pissed off with him rushing off every evening and spending no time together.
The final straw was tonight...he got home at 10 and I must have had a bit of a face on because he asked me what was wrong so I (quite diplomatically) told him how I feel. His response was 'I'm doing it to get fit! Loads of blokes are in the pub every night, you should feel lucky I'm not doing that'. Cue lots of sarcastic responses from me about oh, yes, lucky me' etc (he instantly knew he'd said the worst thing possible because he's currently in the kitchen making the lunches for tomorrow as meek as anything).
Anyway, to wrap up...AIBU? It sounds melodramatic but I can see our relationship suffering with him being out every night for the next seven weeks. He can't see it though. But now, if he stops because of me, I'm the unreasonable misses who keeps him chained to the house plus he'll probably resent me for it...so I have a feeling I can't really win .
Thoughts?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/01/2013 22:56

My thoughts would be how much peace and quiet I would get, control of the tv, and time to myself.

TheCraicDealer · 21/01/2013 22:59

Does he usually stick at things? Most people I know would not hack that shit for 8 weeks. Once the novelty of seeing his work chum every night wears off he'll be looking excuses to stay at home.

susanann · 21/01/2013 23:01

Does he have to be out so long?

deleted203 · 21/01/2013 23:02

. I think you're right that you can't win, TBH. I can sort of see where you're coming from, although I'm in the 'hooray - MY time' camp with squeaky if I'm honest. What time do you go to bed? Can you not spend 10 - 11 pm with him for some 'couple' time and grit your teeth for the next few weeks? I would tell him that if you DO support him during this mad stage that you will expect him to accept that after this the gym time would need to reduce to a couple of times a week. With any luck his enthusiasm might fade within a couple of weeks anyway, and he might fall by the wayside, so I wouldn't be the 'unreasonable' sod who stopped him from doing it if I was in your shoes.

MrsMushroom · 21/01/2013 23:04

Are you annoyed because you''re doing the baths etc alone...DC teas and all that or because you're not seeing him?

If it's because you're not seeing him yABU because he can do his own thing if he likes...it's a temporary thing isn't it...not permanent. If my DH tried to tell me not to persue a hobby I'd be

CoolaSchmoola · 21/01/2013 23:04

YABU - it's six days a week for seven weeks. If that will cause your relationship to suffer then how strong is it really?

I say this as a former Army wife (DH retired from Forces not divorced lol!) who went away with no contact for 7-8 weeks at a time every few months and 6-9 months at a time every other year. It made our relationship stronger if anything. I actually quite like some alone time.

Obviously my example is extreme if you haven't lived that lifestyle - but many, many people live with shift patterns or partners who work away for long periods of time and make their relationships work. They (and me when DH was in the Army) would be thrilled just to have their OH home every night.

I think it's not a long time, it's not every day, and it will soon pass. Plus all the good tv is starting now and you will get sole control of the remote.

He clearly really wants to do this - so maybe you could support him in this personal goal, rather than pulling faces at him when he comes home.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2013 23:05

Thoughts are

It is good he is getting fit.
Why is he out so long - if it is an hour, then why is he out for 2-3?
Did he discuss it with you before he started doing it?
Do you have kids? Because if you do then he is making a massive assumption about childcare.

TheCraicDealer · 21/01/2013 23:08

If he's still at in every night three weeks into the program then fair enough, that's admirable. But in your next discussion point out that the evenings are your free time just as much as his. If he continues it's because it's a joint decision, nor because he's magnanimously decided he'll spend 2-3 with his mats every evening.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/01/2013 23:09

YANBU. He is behaving as if he is a single man with no responsibilities except to his work mate.

And why the hell is he getting home so late? The DVD is an hour. Shouldn't it be nearer 8pm when he gets back (which would be acceptable to me)?

MrsMushroom · 21/01/2013 23:11

Oh my God.

I can't believe people think it's normal to control your Dh's hobbies like this! People can still grow as individuals once they're in a relationship Whereyouleftit

Yfronts · 21/01/2013 23:11

i actually don't know any blokes who go down the pub every night.

I think it's great he is getting fit and I recon an hour or two most nights for the next 7 weeks is fine. It's quite good he has some time doing something else non work and non family.

I also think you should be going out too though. Also you need to get him to agree some regular nights in with you. Maybe he should cut down to 5 nights?

Original poster

PrettyKitty1986 · 21/01/2013 23:19

It's an hour work out but there's a (I think) 15 minute warm up and down either end and his colleague lives a 15 minute drive away.
It's a bit of both, and some of it is selfish of me...yes I'm doing baths and bed routine alone which feels weird because 90 % of the time we do it together. I enjoyed the peace for the first couple of days but that's worn off and now I'm just bored. There's not really time to get time in the evening because he's coming home and going straight in the bath to ease his muscles and then it's bed time.
In regards to making faces at him...he got a proper strip on when I reminded him he couldn't do this Wednesday as I have my monthly curry and quiz night with work (something I have done regularly for months now so he knows about it). He reluctantly 'agreed' but that's kind of a sticking point too, the emphasis being on 'reluctantly'...fair enough he wants to get fit but by him announcing that he's unavailable every night for two whole months, that makes any potential social life I may have null and void.

OP posts:

ChaoticintheNewYear · 21/01/2013 23:20

What is so wrong with the OP wanting to spend some time with her DF

Also what happens if the OP would like to go out somewhere, maybe do a hobby of her own that would take her out of the house? Why is it okay for him to expect her to do all the childcare 6 out of 7 nights?

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/01/2013 23:22

MrsMushroom, his 'hobby' leaves the OP stuck at home in sole charge of the DC (how kind of him to say goodnight to them as he leaves) with no opportunity to take part in a hobby herself. And it sounds as if there was no discussion with the OP prior to starting this regime, when she might have been able to point that out. If anyone is in control of what the other is doing, it is the OP's DF.

PureQuintessence · 21/01/2013 23:24

Will his heart be able to cope with all this if he has not exercise much for a while?

That would be my only concern.

PaellaUmbrella · 21/01/2013 23:27

YANBU. It's over the top.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2013 23:28

MrsMushroom - the DH is being the controlling one by unilaterally removing himself from family life for so much time. As evidenced by the reluctant agreement to give this a miss one night this week so that the OP can go out.

I am all for everyone having their own life, but when there are small children to be looked after then adult hobbies have to take a back seat.

DeepRedBetty · 21/01/2013 23:29

Read op twice before remembering df also means darling fiance as well as dear dad...

It's swallowing up a big chunk of premium time. Three nights a week would have been reasonable on an eight week health kick. Maybe going for a run (when it's thawed out again!) on the others, which he can do from home and for less time, if he really doesn't want to lose momentum.

MrsMushroom · 21/01/2013 23:29

Whereyouleftit it's for 8 weeks! Not permanently! If I posted on here saying "I really want to do this fitness programme...I work and when I get home it means I have to go out for two hours 6 days a week for 8 weeks...and DH wont let me"

There'd be a riot.

MrsMushroom · 21/01/2013 23:30

Allibaba his course is an 8 week one...he wants to complete it. Why can/t the OP have her night out after the course? Or get someone else to babysit?

CloudsAndTrees · 21/01/2013 23:31

I think you need to agree that it's just an 8 week thing, and then after that he has to cut it down to one or two nights a week, or something that doesn't take up quite so much time. During the 8 weeks, he needs to agree that he won't go out at all on his own at the weekends, because his priority is his family, and this fitness thing he's trying to achieve.

It's good that he has a goal and I think that because its a short term thing that's going to be good for him, you should be supportive. It would be unreasonable of you to try and stop him from doing it, and it doesn't say much for your relationship if you think It will suffer for the sake of just 8 weeks.

Maybe he could go out a little later just to help the bed/bath routine?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2013 23:34

But the OPs night out is something she does regularly, why should she give it up?
And why shouldn't it be her DH who is sorting the babysitting.

You sound like one of those women who think that men must be allowed to do what they like at all times, and women must run round facilitating and fit their own lives in around it.

There are plenty of people on MN who do the Insanity DVD, half a thread full of them. But they all fit it in around other family commitments rather than using it as a reason to disappear out for the entire evening 6 days a week.

Hobbitation · 21/01/2013 23:39

I can't believe people think it's normal to control your Dh's hobbies like this! People can still grow as individuals once they're in a relationship Whereyouleftit

And what if the OP wants to get fit, go to the gym, Zumba or Pilates once or twice a week?

8 weeks is quite a long time to give up 6 evenings out of 7. I wouldn't mind if DH did it, as long as he got up early to do it say on a couple of mornings so he'd be back in the evening. And if he asked me about it first! You don't just take up a hobby, even if temporary, if it affects family life massively.

MrsMushroom · 21/01/2013 23:48

Hobbit well she should be able to...but her Dh got in first! It's not a lietime commitment! It's an intense course...of 8 weeks.

Hardly life altering stuff.

If couples can't support one another's endeavors to grow and improve then they're going to struggle.

Of course he could miss one session so OP can do her thing...if she can't get another babysitter. But I would fully expect my Dh to support me in a projject such as the OPs DH and he would too....

MrsMushroom · 21/01/2013 23:50

Alibaba you couldn't be further from the truth. I think PEOPLE should have freedom...even if they're in a monogamous relationship...it's about give and take.

My life has not stopped because I am in a relationship...my DH supports me in all my undertakings and it's mutual.

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