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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think exP should feed DS?

84 replies

AnneNonimous · 19/01/2013 21:52

DS is ten months and goes to his dads every weekend. Up til now I have provided all nappies, milk and food for DS over the weekend. However It's proving more difficult now DS has more 'normal' meals like bits of chicken and veg for him to pick up and eat, fish fingers or toast etc etc.

This weekend I packed pots of fruity porridge for his breakfast and his dinners because I make them in batches and freeze them. But I didn't pack anything for his lunch as its not as easy and seemed ridiculous to me to pack pieces of bread to make into toast or whatever. So I told his dad to just make him something, gave him examples of what he could make him and he said that was ok.

Now I've received a text from exP saying in future I should provide all food as that's what his maintenance money is meant to go towards.

Ainu to think he is being ridiculous and tight? Or am I meant to always pack DS with enough food to go to his dads until he's 18?

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 19/01/2013 21:54

i thought maintenance levels were suppossed to take into account the time spent at each parents house? So if you are paid maintenance for his to be at your place 7 days a week then you should provide food, if 5 days at yours and 2 at ex's then he should provide.

Mutt · 19/01/2013 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StickEmUp · 19/01/2013 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 21:55

He does seem to be being a bit awkward about it, almost as though he begrudges giving you a penny towards looking after his own son (oh, really?Grin).

What you do with your money is your own affair, he can't tell you what you should be spending it on!

Once it's in your purse it's yours.

Just pack what you'd normally give, unless you think he'd go to the lengths of not feeding your DS on principle, which I'm sure wouldn't be the case.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/01/2013 21:56

He is being an arse. Maintenance would only be reduced if he was spending significant amounts of time with his father.

Does he even want the contact with his son?

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 19/01/2013 21:56

He only has him overnight one night every two weeks, the other weekend he just has him in the day both days.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 19/01/2013 21:57

ha, ha , ha...

deluded fool..

and other expletives...

I am struggling to know what to say in response..

yanbu

MissMogwi · 19/01/2013 21:58

Of course YANBU he sounds like a knobhead.

blackeyedsusan · 19/01/2013 22:00

keep the text. pleaase keep the text. down load it to your computer or something... I can see it being useful in the future as he is going to be a prize idiot.

DoubleYew · 19/01/2013 22:01

FGS.

Stbxh was/is like this. I think it was a confidence thing. Ds is 2.5 and he eats exactly the same thing each time he is with his dad but at least he has started being fed.

Does he pay you loads in maintenance? Because the CSA mimimum payment does not usually cover a child's food, clothes, toys, christmas presents, birthday party, activities, heating etc etc. And its up to you to decide what to spend it on.

He should be providing things while he has him, partly that is the responsibility of having a child and partly as its a hassle for you to prepare it all. He's a dad not a childminder.

Have you thought about family mediation? This was how I got ex to agree he should be providing a meal each time he has ds. I think it was having to make ridiculous excuses infront of another person, made him realise it was a reasonable thing to do.

HecateWhoopass · 19/01/2013 22:02

He is an arse.
I seriously doubt he pays half of the entire cost of raising achild.

pigletmania · 19/01/2013 22:02

What an absolute toss pot, the chid is in his care so he should provide food. You should no be providing any food, but I guess you dnt trust him not to feed yur ds, way a knob

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 19/01/2013 22:03

He does have form of being an idiot (unsurprisingly) but I try to pick my battles as there are so many. I don't quite know how to go about this though as there are no 'rules' that I know of to explain who should provide DS lunch...other than common decency which he doesn't seem to have!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 22:05

Just ignore him and carry on with what you decide is fair Anne?

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 19/01/2013 22:05

His maintenance covers nappies and that's it tbh! But he really resented having to pay so he obviously resents providing food. He has been keen to see DS though, just not so keen on the responsibility that goes with it I guess.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 19/01/2013 22:06

What aspens f you did not provide the food whist your ds s in your ex care, would he not feed him! That's really going to look good in court

Moominsarescary · 19/01/2013 22:07

You don't have to provide anything, he's being a nob. What sort of man expects all meals to be provided once a fortnight Hmm

SirBoobAlot · 19/01/2013 22:07

He's a twat, and utterly incompetent.

Honestly if he's not capable of feeding a child even when being given example of lunch, I'd be concerned about his ability to look after your DS.

pigletmania · 19/01/2013 22:08

Next time he tells you that's what he rovides child maintenance for, point out what you provide

youjusthaventearnedityetbaby · 19/01/2013 22:08

YANBU. Definitely keep the text, that is great advice.
He should be providing nappies/food/milk... unless it's breastmilk obviously :)
I'd almost be tempted to keep sending food though... I'd love to see someone 'his end' and their reaction...
Someone needs to explain to him he is a knob....
When he starts taking him out for food will he expect you to pay???!!
My ex is a knob but has an amazing room for our boy, boxes of toys, has loved choosing food/clothes for him. I do shoes etc and provide him with vests and a few essentials if he needs them.
Aren't you glad you're not with him any more eh?!

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2013 22:09

Can't you wind him up and pretend you chew your DS's food for him? Grin

Then send him with a tupperware pot of chewed up meat and veg...

EdwiniasRevenge · 19/01/2013 22:09

I assume his maintenance is calculated as per the csa guidelines and formulas. If that is the case the he pays maintenance for 13 days in every 14.

He should be providing everything for the 14th day.

AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 22:10

I suppose the scary thing is that at 10 months how would you know he'd not been fed? Or for how long?

If he was grizzly, you could guess he was hungry, but there's no proof.

I'm sure he wouldn't do that to him though if he's making a move to have a connection with the lad, because to do that would be despicable.

Iburntthecakes · 19/01/2013 22:10

YANBU
Technically it's only overnights maintainable should be reduced for not days. He could theoretically have him all day every day and there would be no reduction. If its only 1 night every 2 weeks then no reduction.

However, of course you shouldn't have to send food. How ridiculous.

You dont have to send nappies or anything in fact. Some RPs don't even send spare clothes although personally I think there's a balance about what's sensible to send.

If I were you I'd completely ignore it, don't enter into a discussion about what maintenance is or isn't for and just repeat you aren't sending any more.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 19/01/2013 22:11

He insisted I called the CSA to inform them he has him overnight once every 2 weeks now and they said as they work it out weekly and it doesn't work out as 1 night a week his payment won't be reduced.

OP posts: