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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH shouldnt be so selfish?!

12 replies

Peanutbutternutter419 · 18/01/2013 09:29

We have a 6 week old DS an DH went back to work after 2 weeks. He has a manual job so i do understand that he is physically shattered when he gets home but AIBU to think that he should have DS for more than 5 minutes without
A) putting him in his boucy chair and then getting annoyed when he gets upset
B) telling me he's hungry when he gets grizzly (im BF and he's not hungry)
C) telling me he has done a huge poo and he needs help changing him and then leaving it to me
D) sitting on the ipad whilst interacting with DS (so not really paying him any attention)

Generally i will hand over DS and i will use this time to finish jobs i started such as washing and ill cook dinner etc.

At first he was really hands on but lately he comes in and says im too tired or i need the loo (and disappears for half an hour).
Weekends he will get up and say 'im going to the gym' and i dont want to stop him as he has physio excercises which he does there. But also feel that he is mugging me off!
Im gettig really tired as DS wakes every 1.5 hours for a feed and will stay awake for an hour most times as i think he has reflux. I just feel like i never stop. Im always hungry as i rarely get to eat anything other than a piece of fruit as by the time i have finished sorting washing, washing up and pets DS is awake again.

Dont get me wrong...he's not a complete a**hole, i just think he hasnt adapted to parenthood but also thinks that i have it easy as im home all day!!

Sorry just had to get that out as it wasnt helping me by holding it in!

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 18/01/2013 09:34

well being kind he sounds like he hasn't adjusted but he needs to and fast

if you are breastfeeding then there is no need for him to be up in the night but at weekends etc then you should get the chance to catch up on your sleep; so feed baby and then hand over so you can get a nap

practical suggestions are to get a sling so you or your partner can keep him upright after a feed and this keeps your arms free and then you can make a sarnie, sit down and watch telly etc

your partner needs a reality check re the stuff that he needs to be doing

it's fine for him to go the gym, but equally you need to get some time to

when you say he leaves the nappy changes to you, does he really just leave half way thorugh?!

LesBOFerables · 18/01/2013 09:35

I'd ignore all of it, to be honest. Just let him get on with it- he'll soon learn. Fuck off out yourself now and again too, if your feeding schedule permits it. Certainly don't swoop in to change any nappies.

SayMama · 18/01/2013 09:37

but also thinks that i have it easy as im home all day!!

Well he can't have it both ways can he? Either it's easy, in which case he can get in from work and take over while you have some food/get some housework done, seeing as though looking after him is no big deal.

Or it's hard, in which case he can get in from work and have an appreciation for the fact you can't eat properly/not sleeping properly/not getting enough rest, and help out.

So which is it to be? Is it easy or hard?

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 18/01/2013 09:46

He does change nappies, its just that having a DS, he generally wees in the middle of a change. I have got the knack of it but no matter how much i tell DH, he always takes the nappy out too soon and dS wees everywhere and DH gets a strop on! I do leave him to it sometimes though if DS isnt bothered! :)

I have a liberty sling but DS doesnt like it, im just waiting for him to get a bit bigger and he can fit in the carrier comfortably.
I have told him that at the weekends i need him to take him so i can get an hours extra kip but he assumes that everytine DS gets grumpy its because hes hungry so he'll come and get me.
He has said that if i express, he will bottle feed him through the night at weekends but i cant manage to express enough atm.

Oh i hate moaning about him because he isnt THAT bad but i just feel he needs to man up and if i tell him that, he gets upset saying that he is doing the best he can and its still not good enough for me!
He used to bring me breakfast in bed and sort pets at weekends so i didnt have o get up but now he is rarely out of bed before 10!

OP posts:

VisualiseAHorse · 18/01/2013 09:48

It is hard for dads to adjust I think, I would cut him a little slack.

It took months for my OH to really 'get into' the whole baby thing, although he does change nappies etc. Just because you're the one feeding at night, doesn't mean that he's not awake too. My OH often wakes when I get out of bed to cuddle/feed LO, so although I'm working, his sleep is still getting disturbed.

But, once you have done a feed on one of your OH's day off, hand baby over and go to bed. In fact, instruct him to put baby in buggy and go for a long walk so you don't get woken by baby crying.

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 18/01/2013 09:48

PS...
Thanks LesBOFerables for your blunt response...made me chuckle at the thought of saying...right im f*ing off put for an hour! :D

OP posts:

LesBOFerables · 18/01/2013 09:49

Ignore stropping alwas, or you'll end up doing everything.

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 18/01/2013 09:56

Thanks for replies.
visualiseahorse That is why i have vented on here, i would hate to think that i am constantly on at him as that wont make him want to help anymore than he does. I agree that it takes dads longer to adjust.

I like the idea of taking baby for a walk, he has to walk the dog anyway as i cant (she pulls like mad on the lead and DS is too small for baby carrier atm)

Its so frustrating, and it doesnt help that BF isnt going great atm, makes me think that if DS was on bottles, i could just go out and leave him to it and then maybe he may appreciate all that i do during the day.

OP posts:

Anomaly · 18/01/2013 09:57

I can totally sympathise. It took my DH a fair old while to get used to fatherhood. We had a lot of long "talks" in the first year of DS1s life. Even now he sometimes slips but generally is the model dad. I'd suggest you wait until an appropriate time ideally when you're all happy and talk. As you son is so young your DH will not really understand how limiting a young baby is and how much work they create. He will need it explaining and if he's anything like my DH he might not actually get it until he's done some extended childcare which while you son is breastfed may not be possible for a while.

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 18/01/2013 10:03

Thanks Anomaly, what i needed to hear!

OP posts:

Snazzynewyear · 18/01/2013 10:04

Suggest one of you getting a lie in Saturday and one on Sunday. Out of the washing, washing up and pets could he take over at least one of those? I get the 'time to adjust' thing but in the meantime you are struggling. Have you thought about trying expressing so that maybe one feed per day could be done by your DH?

wanderingalbatross · 18/01/2013 10:19

I think it's hard in the early weeks, especially when baby is bf as it's easy to calm a baby with food, but the dad has to learn other ways to comfort which aren't as immediate. Not that that's an excuse for not stepping up, but I know my DH always used to feel inadequate when DD was a newborn because it was so easy to calm her with food. Anyway, I think the thing to do is to leave your DH with your DS without you there. Feed him, hand him over and then either you go out or he goes out. As baby gets older you can extend the time you're away.

Breastfeeding in the early days is exhausting though, so skip the washing and washing up, and make food your priority :)

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