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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boss is BU?

29 replies

Tabbystriped · 12/01/2013 20:33

She and I are not friends. We have a working office relationship, and really do not like each other. Yes, I am certain she dislikes me. This is OK because, as I said, we are able to work together.

However, she occasionally asks me to borrow shoes or bag or piece of clothing she has seen me wear. I feel too uncomfortable to say no because I cannot figure out if I should just lend her what she asks. I do love clothes and have a lot because of this. My boss always mentions when she asks that money is tight for her because she has two daughters in university. I HATE lending her my things, and I resent the fact that she makes much more money than I do but will not just go to tkmaxx and get a propor pair of shoes and bag for her occasional events. The situation is so bizarre to me. She only asks every other month or so.

She did not threaten me, but I worry a lot and might be over thinking things to feel that I can not be so quick to refuse to bring the latest request of the shoes to her next week. I can not stop myself from letting the knowledge that she is in a position of authority over me.

Am I being mean and UR to refuse to lend her my expensive shoes for the semi formal work event she is going to in two weeks?

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 12/01/2013 20:36

Your options are:

  1. Tell her to FO.
  2. Say yes but keep forgetting to bring them in to work with you. And every time you "forget" apologise with a nice, big, obviously fake smile.
marriedinwhite · 12/01/2013 20:38

She is being unreasonable. Your things are your things and if you don't want to lend them to her you don't have to. Personally, I would never lend or borrow shoes because even if the same size people's feet are different shapes. Can you make an excuse next time such as: that dress needs repairing/is in the dry cleaners/is promised to my mum for that date?

LindyHemming · 12/01/2013 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuzySuzSuz · 12/01/2013 20:40

You are definitely NBU, just tell her no but I would guess you're perhaps not comfortable with doing that so just make up an excuse each time e.g. you've lent them to a friend / they're at the dry cleaners or cobblers etc

Just because she is your boss and has a level of authority at work doesn't mean you can't refuse what is actually a personal request - not business or performance linked.

Have you ever said no to the requests? She may think you're totally fine with lending these items if you have never given any indication otherwise.

DamnBamboo · 12/01/2013 20:40

Just say no, you don't like to lend out your things and that not even your friends (which she is clearly not) get to borrow them.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2013 20:42

Good grief: this is a total manipulation of professional boundaries. Just politely refuse - I have difficulty imagining how she considered it appropriate behaviour in the first place and why you went along with it.

creighton · 12/01/2013 20:42

tell her no, no explanation needed. note down each of these 'requests'. it sounds like a power play, why else would you want to take/borrow clothes from someone you don't like?

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 12/01/2013 20:52

Just lie - say your 'friend' borrowed X or Y from you, it was ruined, so now you're not lending ANYTHING to ANYBODY, end of.

MrsPoglesWood · 12/01/2013 21:15

I would check out your disciplinary policy. Where I work it is a disciplinary offence for staff to borrow money from anyone junior to them, especially within their line management chain. I can't see why borrowing an expensive pair of shoes should be any different.

Proudnscary · 12/01/2013 21:18

Seriously?! Ummm honestly just say no. See what happens. If she's weird/arsey/threatening see HR immediately

ilovesooty · 12/01/2013 21:18

I agree with MrsPoglesWood

This seems completely inappropriate to me and I think it would be quite reasonable to report it. At the very least you need to refuse - the last thing you should be doing is lying or making excuses.

PurpleStorm · 12/01/2013 21:19

YANBU.

If you don't feel comfortable saying no, then have a list of excuses at the ready.

She'll probably stop asking after you've said no a few times.

Purplehonesty · 12/01/2013 21:22

I second the 'my friend ruined my best shoes so I'm not lending anything out again' line. She can't argue against that.
She is totally BU

BarredfromhavingStella · 12/01/2013 21:24

WTF? Just tell her no, fuck off & buy your own luv-you're not my mate so why the fuck would I lend you my lovely stuff (of course as she's your boss you only need to say the 1st bit-NO)

HollyBerryBush · 12/01/2013 21:25

Just say no.

And its lend, you lend, she borrows. Sorry.

SomethingProfound · 12/01/2013 21:28

Tell her you eBay everything after a few wears, then avoid wearing it around her again (if possible). If you haven't got it anymore then you can't be expected to lend it to her.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2013 21:41

I'm genuinely puzzled as to why so many think that the OP should have to put herself in an uncomfortable position by using subterfuge. What's wrong with a polite but assertive refusal?

simplesusan · 12/01/2013 22:10

Just lie - say your 'friend' borrowed X or Y from you, it was ruined, so now you're not lending ANYTHING to ANYBODY, end of.

I would do this if you are uncomfortable with an outright no.

She is being totally unreasonable.

SomethingProfound · 12/01/2013 22:11

Sooty I can't speak for others, but the reason I didn't suggest a simple polite refusal is due to the power balance.

I got the impression that the OP was struggling to give a flat refusal due to the working dynamic, so was trying to offer a way of ending the situation with out the possibility of confrontation.

MammaTJ · 12/01/2013 22:13

Sorry but that bag does not belong to me, I borrowed it. Or 'I leant it to XYZ and thay didn't return it'.

hippoCritt · 12/01/2013 22:13

Mention your verucca infestation, there is an Mner who has a photo of hers, maybe you could borrow it! I wouldn't want to lend shoes to anybody, I think it is an abuse of her position to keep asking

PurpleStorm · 12/01/2013 22:15

Agree with SomethingProfound

The wording of the OP suggests that the OP is worried about giving a flat refusal because her boss is in a position of authority over her.

ilovesooty · 12/01/2013 22:17

Point taken, SomethingProfound , however I honestly feel it's more disempowering in the long run to be making excuses/not being truthful. It's not the OP's fault of course and I think not being assertive in these sort of situations makes you feel more uncomfortable in the long run.

Also in my experience people who are given explanations and excuses are more likely to keep nagging and begging.

StuntGirl · 12/01/2013 22:20

I agree with the above, its a blatent abuse of power. Politely refuse. Make a note of every time she asks so you can raise it with HR in future if your refusals cause you problems.

Tortington · 12/01/2013 22:22

i'd be a total shithouse and tell her i lent them to a friend for a wedding

next time she asks i would tell her that i lent them to a friend to go on holiday

lent them to a friend for a christening

lent them to a friend for a .....