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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH is wrong to be irritated with me

77 replies

grugelite · 05/01/2013 21:41

My brother is in his final year at university and is currently applying for graduate schemes/jobs. He's been rejected from quite a few but is still in contention for some. I was talking to him today and he is really worried about being not getting a job, he seems to think he's going to end up homeless and that "the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him". Its obvious that he isn't sleeping very well and he looks dreadful.

Anyway I told him not to worry because if he graduates and can't find work then he can always stay with me (our parents are a no go in this regard) and that he's my little brothers and there's no way I'd abandon him etc. After he left DH has had a massive go at me for as he must have overheard the conversation saying that I have no right to start making agreements to let anyone come and stay in our home without consulting him and that I was "totally wrong" to make cast-iron promises about future support and obligations that he may have to contribute towards without asking him and now he's gone off to his study sulking.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 05/01/2013 21:45

I can understand that you want to support your brother, but I agree with your dh, that would have annoyed me too. Offering your home indefinitely is a massive commitment, that definitely needs thinking about, and of course you would need to talk it through with your dh first since it's his home too.

cocoachannel · 05/01/2013 21:48

I adore my little sister and would want to do the same in your situation, but would absolutely discuss it privately with DH first. I'd be upset if he offered the same to his brother with our asking me even though he must know I would have no problem with it.

On that basis I'm afraid YABU. Best of luck to your brother - so hard out there.

emsyj · 05/01/2013 21:49

I would unhesitatingly offer a home to my DSis if she needed it, and I would not ask DH's permission first. Nor would he expect me to. In the past we have had his best friend live with us for a short period (only about 6 weeks in the end, but he was welcome to stay as long as he liked) because he was relocating and couldn't afford a place straight away. DH also lent him a few hundred quid (which he returned when he could afford to) to keep him going. DH didn't ask for my permission first and I would never expect him to.

People are different though. I like that DH and I are both happy to offer help to others, and we are fortunate that we can afford to do so without it being an issue. Maybe if we were skint it would be different, I don't know. But your brother is family, so IMO you should be able to offer him a home if he needs one.

RobotLover68 · 05/01/2013 21:49

YANBU - I would run it past my DH out of courtesy but I already know he'd say "yes" good luck to your brother

HugoDarling · 05/01/2013 21:50

I can understand where your DH is coming from completely, but it sounds as though he's overreacted.

TameGaloot · 05/01/2013 21:50

I on the other hand don't think you're unreasonable.
I wouldn't want to be married to the kind of man who refused my brother help when he most needed it, neither would I ever prevent my dh from helping his sisters in horrible situations.

WhySoSirius · 05/01/2013 21:53

YANBU at all.
It's your home too and you have the right to extend an invite to someone in need. Your brother staying isn't a massive thing at all. It would be different if it was several people. I can understand why your DH would be a bit put out but he should be adult enough and caring enough to understand

whathasthecatdonenow · 05/01/2013 21:53

I don't think YABU, the statements your brother were making are quite worrying - "the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him"- can you get him to see a doctor?

CaptainVonTrapp · 05/01/2013 21:53

I would def ask first and I would expect a 'yes'.

And I would also expect the same courtesy if it was the other way round. It's not asking permission (I don't need that its my house too), its manners.

whathasthecatdonenow · 05/01/2013 21:53

I don't think YABU, the statements your brother made are quite worrying - "the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him"- can you get him to see a doctor?

ilovesooty · 05/01/2013 21:53

I think your husband is right to feel that you should discuss it with him first, though in your position I'd be disappointed if he didn't offer support.

Original poster

grugelite · 05/01/2013 21:54

whathasthecatdonenow- I told him that I think he should but I doubt he will and I am very worried about him to tell the truth.

OP posts:

whathasthecatdonenow · 05/01/2013 21:54

Sorry for double post with strange additions, cat on keyboard moment.

cocoachannel · 05/01/2013 21:55

Funny isn't it how different relationships work. My husband would never refuse my sister (or indeed any of our family/friends - we have had a friend staying with us on and off whilst he deals with some issues) but I would still want to talk to him about it first.

Does your DH have a strong relationship with your brother OP, or any reason not to want him to stay?

bedmonster · 05/01/2013 21:57

I would be very cautious about offering someone a bed indefinitely. We had a family member staying at ours 'indefinitely', turned out to be 4 months. We don't have a spare room so he was just crashing on our sofa. It had massive knock on effects for us, we have 3 DC, youngest was a tiny baby at the time, and we were worried about keeping him up with a noisy baby, we couldn't have private time in the evenings, we had to cook for an extra person etc. We ended up just living in our bedroom in the evenings just so we could chill out in peace (he's the kind of person who's always up for a chat but unfortunately is very opinionated so what he says is gospel and what anyone else says isnt worth hearing). Our house was full of his stuff, and always looked a bit of a mess. We felt stifled in our own home.
If you have the space and set some ground rules then there's no reason it couldn't work, but I do think you were being cheeky to offer the possibilty without talking to your DH first - the impications of your brother living with you will untimately affect him too.

Fairylea · 05/01/2013 21:57

I can understand you wanting to be there for your brother but if I was your dh I'd be really annoyed you didn't discuss your idea of him living with us. Feels a bit like you've made the decision anyway regardless of your dh.

whathasthecatdonenow · 05/01/2013 21:58

I think it is really important that your brother knows that you are there for him when he is feeling so low.

timidviper · 05/01/2013 22:00

Agree you should have discussed it with your DH first.

Please reassure your DB though that his situation is not unusual. My DS got a 2:1 from a top uni but had no job offer when he left uni, he and a friend set up and ran a small business online for a year to gain experience while they applied for grad schemes/jobs. They both felt this, rather than their uni experience and degrees was what got them in. Most people on my son's grad scheme did not go in straight from university.

I would be more worried about him sounding depressed tbh

GotMyGoat · 05/01/2013 22:00

I think you need to say to your DH that you said it in response to your brother worrying about being homeless.

I think you should be talking to dh if you are offering your home in any other situation, but i can understand why you would rush to say this -because of course your DH isn't going to let your brother sleep on the street.

AgentZigzag · 05/01/2013 22:01

You're very lovely to look out for your brother and he's lucky to have you as a big sister, but your DH is right, you have no right to choose who he lives with without asking what he thinks of it first.

I can imagine you just said it off the cuff without thinking to make your DB feel better, if you've noticed a lot that he's looking like shit, that sounds like he's struggling and needs a bit of care.

Even if he is struggling, your DB is an adult now and if you want to help you have to try and enable him to help himself, rather than try to solve all his problems for him.

It's nice to know you have somewhere to fall back on when times get bad, but you don't want him to give up and take the easy option of a bit of pampering from his big sister.

Original poster

grugelite · 05/01/2013 22:01

cocoachannel- They don't have a particularly strong relationship but they don't have a bad or fractious one either IYKWIM.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/01/2013 22:03

Do you think he's struggling and need to see a doctor about it, or is it just him venting and the looking like shite/tired is just run of the mill being a teenager loose on the town?

Seeing the end of a course coming to the end must be incredibly stressful if you're not sure of your direction afterwards.

Has he talked to any of the university people who deal with end of course angst?

JessicaMLH · 05/01/2013 22:06

YANBU - as far as me and my OH are concerned family is family, I wouldn't expect him to ask me if it were a relative, and vice versa, because the answer would always be yes.

Maybe you could explain to your OH that you couldn't ask him beforehand because your brother was there and you wanted to say something to reassure him, as he looked so down?

Hope it all works out

Original poster

grugelite · 05/01/2013 22:11

AgentZigZag- He has spoken to the careers department at his university but all they seem to tell him is that its tough times etc.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 05/01/2013 22:13

I think, in general, it's a good idea to discuss it with your other half. However if my brother (yes, even my brother who is a GIT) was saying those things I'd do what you did and if my DH said what yours has, I would check he'd heard that part of the conversation and if he had I'd be putting the writing on the wall FOR HIM!!

My ex had a brother who was in a shitty relationship (she was quite violent with it too - very handy with a knife) and he was (well, still is I suppose but I don't see him now!) a nice bloke. One day I got home and found him in our house and his stuff in the spare room - he'd finally escaped left her and rung my (then) DP who had said to come and stay with us - it didn't occur to me for one minute to be annoyed about it and my DP didn't feel the need for my permission to allow his brother to stay with us when he needed help. He needed somewhere to live, we had a spare room He lived with us for over a year (his 2 dogs as well), though would have only stayed a short while if I wasn't happy with it.

(I didn't have a mobile in those days so DP had no way of letting me know before I got home - before anyone asks).

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