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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really want a baby?

44 replies

molly199 · 02/01/2013 16:04

i have become a bit obsessed with wanting a baby.

im 23 my dp is 24 and we have been together 8 years. he has a good well paid job and i am in my final year at university.

we have not discussed having one right now but he often says if it did happen hed be over the moon. i am on no form of contraception but we use the male form.

my degree will not lead me into a well paid job as its quite general, so it wont affect my career as such.

so aibu to be wanting a baby now. i always wanted a family young

thank you in advance for your perspective Smile

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 02/01/2013 16:08

YANBU to want a baby. YWBU to coerce your partner into having an "accident". Speak to your partner.

yfuwchhapus · 02/01/2013 16:09

Oh gosh no...nothing wrong with feeling like that! I started longing for a baby straight after we married and had DD at 22! Good luck

ThedementedPenguin · 02/01/2013 16:11

YANBU wanting a baby. But I do agree with kinkyfuckery you both have to agree. Do not get pregnant on purpose and make out it was an 'accident'.

I'm 22 and I had my baby in Sept, although he was unplanned but is loved very much.

cestlavielife · 02/01/2013 16:12

how much does he earn roughly eg 30K, 50K, 100K etc? "well paid" means different things... 100k and marry him then you all set...30k and not married leaves you precarious if you get pregnant

finish your degree.

get a job any job - work for enough time is it two years?? to get maternity pay. and possibility to return to work and earn your keep. and pay for the baby.

think further down the line when kids are at school .

you will need some financial independence to have a baby unless you get married. because right now he could leave you/die and you will have nothing...

Strangemagic · 02/01/2013 16:16

So your default is to have a baby,because you don't think you will get a job.Have a baby for the right reason with the right man,not just because you want one,babies change everything,your lives will totally change and don't trick him into becoming a dad.

Original poster
molly199 · 02/01/2013 16:18

i am working also whilst at university. i have been in this job 5 years and i will qualify for maternity leave. Dont worry i will not trick him Smile. He earns 35 k rising after 1 year.

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 02/01/2013 16:20

If you would like advice, here is mine:
*finish your degree
*get a job and work in it as long as needed to qualify for Mat Leave/Pay
*buy a home

DH and I got together when we were 18 too and will both be 28 this year. Buying a house was top of my agenda, so after uni we travelled / worked away for two years, came back and moved in with my folks for a year while we saved for a deposit. Bought our home, both had full time permanent work (shite pay tho!!), then had a couple of years of just living in our own home. Once we made the decision that we wanted kids, we said "we will statt TTC in exactly one year" - time to get our heads round it, do anything we wanted, have a holiday etc.

Our dd is a year old now and while I adore her so so much, she has overhauled our life. Im glad we waited til we 'had all our ducks in a row' first.

Original poster
molly199 · 02/01/2013 16:20

if i worked hard i could get a suitable job, but id rather start a family. I will also go back to my current job which is flexible. I never want to be a SAHM so im not wanting it for that.

OP posts:
IwantaPetFox · 02/01/2013 16:22

Why are people suggesting that the OP might 'coerce' her DP or have an 'accident'?? He is in control of the contraception atm anyway!

YANBU OP, if you are in a stable relationship and it's what you both want then go for it. You might as well finish your degree first though, and consider the legal and financial implications of what would happen if your relationship broke down.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/01/2013 16:23

YANBU but definitely finish your degree first Smile

Original poster
molly199 · 02/01/2013 16:25

thanks for all the advice. we are a very stable couple, we rent together. and he has hinted at a proposal this year so i will wait and see were things go. i would never trick him as i could never live with myself

OP posts:
wanderingalbatross · 02/01/2013 16:26

I think you have loads of time, and should think about what you want from life as well as kids. I'd be wary of thinking that having a baby now won't affect your career as it's much more difficult to build up work experience with young kids.

If you have kids now, they may well have left home before you are 45, leaving you with lots of years to fill! And if you want any sort of job/career yourself, you will be better off if you have a job when you get pregnant. Plus it doesn't sound like you are married? You would put yourself in a precarious situation by having kids young and unmarried with no way of protecting and supporting yourself if things went wrong. Not that I think all mums should be married, but it does give you a lot of protection :)

So, I don't think YABU in wanting a baby now, but you might be better off to wait a couple of years and get yourself in a good position before doing so.

yfuwchhapus · 02/01/2013 16:28

Will you get married before TTC?

Original poster
molly199 · 02/01/2013 16:30

thanks again, your comments have opened my eyes. i think i will wait until a few years perhaps when he brings it up whens hes ready also

OP posts:
Original poster
molly199 · 02/01/2013 16:31

i would like to get married first

OP posts:
VisualiseAHorse · 02/01/2013 16:34

YANBU - I want one too!! - Already have an 8 month old but it's all I can think about somedays.

But, you are young. I always wanted a baby, and would've started at 16 if my boyfriend at the time agreed. As it was, I waited until I was 25 (OH is 35), and I think it's much better.

cestlavielife · 02/01/2013 16:36

are you in a part of the country where houses are cheap and you could buy a property on his salary alone? or are you in long term rental like housing association? because you need to think longer term if you want kids

IwantaPetFox · 02/01/2013 17:39

Can I ask why you want a baby so much OP? If that's not too nosy of me! :)

ohchristmastree · 02/01/2013 17:44

I was 23 when I had my ds. It can be so, so hard. He's 18 months and he's constant. I'm doing my degree now, it's really difficult to find the energy to sit and do an essay when I've been on my feet since 7am but it has to be done so we can have a better life when i graduate. He wasn't planned but I wouldn't change it for the world. However, my plan was do my degree, get a job and some saving behind me, own my own house and have a partner who is supportive (mine isn't at all) before even thinking about children.

Sorry for blabbing on about myself but what I'm trying to say is wait until you are sorted with a good job, you're partner is 100% sure and you are finically stable. I've done everything the wrong way about, I just get on with it when it's hard and I want to pack eveything in but you have a chance to get yourself sorted first, take it.

thebody · 02/01/2013 17:52

Good grief love if you want a baby and your partner wants a baby then go for it.

There is never a right magic time, never enough money or stability or any of that crap people spout. It's lovely to have kids young.. We had our first 2 in our twenties. It was tough but fantastic.

Second 2 in thirties and do now in our 40s our older ones have left abc we are still young.

I have friends on baby 1 at 41!!! That's way to late for me..

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 02/01/2013 17:53

I had my DD at 24, there is no perfect time to have babies, its down to the couple.

BertieBotts · 02/01/2013 18:00

Talk to him. You're not so young that it's a totally crazy idea and it seems like you're happy together. However, you both need to be ready and sure this is what you want, because it really does change your life in a totally irreversible way!

Also, when you talk about things together you can get an idea about whether you're both on the same page. 23 is young to have been together 8 years, you must have got together as teenagers? Be careful that you aren't with him just out of familiarity, does he still make your heart sing etc? Grin You can also learn a lot about what kind of parent someone is likely to be from how they deal with conflict within the relationship too - what happens when you disagree over things, can you come to a compromise? Just be aware that when you have children the issues you'll have to compromise on or discuss are about 1000x more important to you!

If you're thinking of getting married too it's good to have a rough idea of a plan. DP and I have just got engaged and we have a rough plan of the next few years, when we'll get married, when we will start TTC, etc. I already have a DS who is 4 so I suppose I have to plan things out a little more, but I feel a lot better having a plan, I'm excited for our life together and the future.

Good luck!

JazzAnnNonMouse · 02/01/2013 18:02

Yanbu. That is all Smile
People don't have to get married, own a home, be earning a certain amount before wanting a baby. Certainly things to consider before actually having the baby but then again plenty of children are born into unmarried, rented homes. There's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with wanting a baby before a career. Different people have different ambitions.

Original poster
molly199 · 02/01/2013 18:20

We are together because we want to be. If we have a disagreement we just talk it through, we have matured now and can compromise. We have been through a lot together (Family members dying), family disagreements,and apart from the odd wobbly time we have remained strong. We are always together (most ppl fight more when always together) but we seem to be the opposite. We have planned are life ie want to be married by 2016, ideally we would love to own a home properly. But at the same time theres something missing from my life, and i feel like i could be an amazing mother and someone else for me and my partner to share our love with. I know it wouldn't be easy but we are both sensible and realistic of the problems that can arise, but we trust each other and we are set for life. But I am going to wait like i said before, thanks for all your opinions, what will be will be :)

OP posts:
Original poster
molly199 · 02/01/2013 18:25

Also i am not settling, I just happened to meet the person for me very early. We want the exact same things in life. He doesnt drink much, doesnt gamble, hes very caring and couldn't do enough for me. When we talk about children we also seem to have the exact same mindset in terms of what way we would like them brought up. We also both want to get married abroad with just close family along. Sometimes we clash because we can be stubborn at times but thats normal. I feel like a career is not top priority, and things have happened in my life that have completlty changed my mind about things, and also as i said i feel theres something missing

OP posts: