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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do exactly wat dm says?

59 replies

kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 15:27

Dd is on an emotional day today... You no the one you say no nicely and they cry as If they've just seen all there toys thrown away. Was upstairs with dd an she has been in everything shes not supposed to so I've told her no which everytime has lead to a tantrum!! Dm came upstairs to bathroom and dd is having yet another tantrum so I told her to go to her room que dm yelling saying all she's heard is crying tried to take her from her room where I'd sent dd to calm down, so I Tom dd back to my room and said come on I'm
Obviously a bad parent and not allowed to discipline you! Dm comes in shouting saying to dd "sit down just breathe dont do anything and you shouldn't get told off" and slammed my door! I feel that was so much of an exaggeration so I've told dm I will not tell dd off again no matter what she does which is currently banging on my wardrobe doors and jumping up and down on the floor ( soemthing dm would have gone ballistic About). Fed up of being told off for disciplining her or even just telling her no yet dm can whenever it suits her!! So I'm allowing dd to do what she wants ( providing she doesn't hurt herself) as I no dm will snap and the tell me off for not disciplining her Aibu ro be fed up and just do what dm thinks is right? Fed up of being told off for being A parent! It stems much further than this (I.e giving her crisps when she nos I'm making her dinner) but this has topped it!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/12/2012 15:29

Do you live with your DM? Might be time to move on.

buggerama · 30/12/2012 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 15:35

Yes I do for a few reasons but have no choice really. Firstly financial, hen I split with exp I didn't have enough money to set me and dd up in a home together. Mum moved house so we can all fit if I was I move out she wouldn't t be able to afford the house on her own and I wouldn't be able to afford a house either . Secondly she has scoliosis, rheumatoid arthritis and disk disease in her spine when I was not living with her and she slipped discs (happens a lot) I was travelling back and forward 2-3 times a day to dress her wash her feed her etc. and lastly she is a massive help with dd ( apart from he pain in arse reasons above) I Have to attend to dd during the night due to medical reasons so she gets up with her in the morning as let's me sleep in. I'm am kinda stuck not for the last reason but more for the first and second

OP posts:
D0G · 30/12/2012 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hegsy · 30/12/2012 15:36

Do you live with dm or just visiting? Either way I'd be making plans to leave early/move out x

Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 15:38

It is confusing and childish I agree! But when I am being told no for telling my child no so she doesn't cause harm to herself what ammo supposed to do!? I have this issue every day! I'm sick of it! I'm not sure what my dm did in terms of discipline with me but I don't go round spitting on mirrors or emptying bins which is currently wat dd is doing because dm thinks I shouldnt tell her off for hear things!Hmm

OP posts:
FeckOffCup · 30/12/2012 15:40

You both need to calm down (you and DM). Could you take your DD out somewhere for a while so that you and DM get a break from each other and a chance to cool down. Speak to your DM tonight when DD is in bed, calmly and reasonably about how it makes you feel when she undermines your disciplining of your DD and see if you can talk it through so you don't wind each other up so much in future.

oldpeculiar · 30/12/2012 15:41

I think you have all been cooped up too long over xmas and the tiniest things are getting blown up out of all proportion.
Day out tomorrow?

Hegsy · 30/12/2012 15:42

You need to discuss this with dm. You are the parent and she should not disagree with you about discipline in front of dd. No wonder dd is acting up if she knows granny will back her up.

Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 15:44

feck I have tried talking to her in the past to just get "fine I won't help you anymore" she's not someone who you can talk to. She nos how she undermines me as d dad does t to!! They both say "for goodness sake stop being stupid" but then the help they do give me is invaluable Hmm

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 30/12/2012 15:44

I think you need to sit and have a grown up conversation with your DM!

LittleBairn · 30/12/2012 15:45

You really need to sit your mum down and go over some ground rules for living together. No.1 She does not interfer or undermine you disciplining your DC.

Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 15:45

Old peculiar it's day out everyday for us but dm didn't sleep last night and when she had dd this morning was not short of screaming at dd every 5 seconds. I was surprised neighbours didn't phone ss!

OP posts:
Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 15:47

Hegsy ano! She used to be so well behaved when I lived wih ex p. I had a good
Routine and strict rules which included dint eat dinner no pudding or unhealthy snacks (I.e chocolate crisps) she gets them constantly now!

I've got up at 9am before and she's eating crisps!Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 15:49

I honestly wish I had t moved back with her but I just couldn't support me and dd at that time! We are joint tenants and put equally but I don't get a say in anything and discipline is just one things!! Anyone got a time machine ????Hmm

OP posts:
HecatePropolos · 30/12/2012 16:04

I think it can be hard to live with your parent and not slip into parent / child mode yourselves.

You need to sit down with your mum and say that she has GOT to recognise that you are an adult now, with a child of your own and she has got to step back and allow you to be the parent to your own child.

Ask her how she would feel if she were being undermined by her mother when raising you.

and get cracking with finding a place of your own. It sounds like she sees herself as the Head of this little family and isn't seeing you as an adult here.

It may be financially very very tough, but it's got to be better for your child to grow up away from this?

ChristmasIsForPlutocrats · 30/12/2012 16:24

Sounds like your mother needs to he sent to her room, too! Undermining a parent is a no-no.

If she won't go to her room when you send her, perhaps send DD, so she can trash the place?!

Seriously, is there anywhere else DM xan go for a few days, so you can calm thinfs down with DD? (sorting out bedtimes, sweets, etc)

yousmell · 30/12/2012 16:59

buy the book toddler taming and both read it!

swallowedAfly · 30/12/2012 17:06

disasterous, toxic sounding situation. your dm still treats you like a child and by the sounds of it you act like one in response to her.

why can't you afford places separately? that doesn't make sense to me - we don't have a society like that. if you're working but not earning enough then there is housing benefit to top it up. you have one child - would only need a two bed flat.

i really think you need to get out on your own with dd - not good for her to be in the midst of this - not good for you either.

FolkElf · 30/12/2012 17:07

Don't make snippy childish remarks such as "I'm obviously a bad parent and not allowed to discipline you".

I hate to say it, but if you want to be treated like an adult, you're going to have to start behaving like one.

You need to take control of this situation, sit down and discuss it with your mother.

Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 17:24

Yousmell I don't need a book on how to tame my toddler I know very well how to discipline her and what works!

OP posts:
Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 17:27

Swallow I cannot afford to set myself up in a home I have no furniture and my mum wouldn't even allow me to take my bed when I moved out with exp. that's the only reason I did not get. House in the first place dm is in a lot of debt and only gets 100 a week plus housing benefit I'm covering most of the bills on the house and while im doing that I have no safe money to save up round her flats are about 450-500 and I'd need about 1000 to even get a place (have no chance)Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
kickassmomma · 30/12/2012 17:34

Folkelf I act more like an adult than my mum does if you exclude today's events! I shudnt make childish remarks but I have reached breaking point! If she wants to comment on my parent I don't no why she doesn't comment when she thinks I've down soemthjng good ..instead it's always a negative. Either I'm too harsh or shes playing with too many toys or I don't keep her in the bath long enough!! I wouldn't be like this with my daughter! I would offer support when she needed and backed off when she's doing ok!

OP posts:
HecatePropolos · 30/12/2012 17:36

Then you have power here.

Don't you see that?

You sit down with your mum and you point out to her that she needs you more than you need her.

If you are covering most of the bills already, then do your sums. You may find you can afford a place of your own. Even a one bed flat that is all yours would be better than living like this.

You may need to sacrifice and live in a less than ideal place, but you have to choose.

Stay like this or not.

Read what you're putting - your mum won't allow... your mum 'tells you off'... your mum yells at you... your mum yells at your child.

Your mum gets only £100 a week. has lots of debt. you cover the bills.

If you don't see the strength of your position, I don't think any of us here can help you to.

swallowedAfly · 30/12/2012 17:39

there are a zillion ways for a single mum to get help with buying basic furniture. you're making excuses. you moved out from mummy to partner and back from partner to mummy.

there are ways out and into independence if you want them.