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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

or is DH?

22 replies

curmit · 27/12/2012 23:31

We had decided what we'd do for evening meal tonight. I was going out to meet a friend (not seen for approx a year) for lunch and drinks. I got home in good time for dinner (before 6.30) he had eaten already without letting me know that he was going to.

I felt as though he had been rude in not telling me he was going to eat without me.

We've now had an argument and are not speaking!

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

pictish · 27/12/2012 23:32

Does it matter really?
If the argument is just about that, forget it.

Pandemoniaa · 27/12/2012 23:32

Any adults who resolve a debate by not speaking are BU.

VBisme · 27/12/2012 23:33

Both BU, just speak.

Tortington · 27/12/2012 23:33

maybe he was hungry

i dont see this alone as a big deal unless it is a sympom of a wider 'he's a dick in general' type thing

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 23:35

Both of you are. Its a total non issue.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 27/12/2012 23:35

Was it a special meal?

Unless it's something like an anniversary meal of oysters and steak, you are both being unreasonable.

He was hungry, so he ate. He probably didn't think to tell you. I'll do the same if DP is out...I'll mention it if I think too, but if he's busy/I forget, I'll just tell him when he gets in. No point being hungry if you don't need to be.

Regardless of whether you think he should have eaten, this really shouldn't have caused such an issue that you argued and stopped speaking. It's not a big deal at all.

Original poster

curmit · 27/12/2012 23:36

I suppose it goes a little deeper. He used to always make me feel terrible for ever seeing any friends, punish me when I got home by being stand-offish etc. Supposedly this is all in the past and he doesn't do it anymore, but I can't help feeling that this is just that. He didn't text to check whether I'd like to eat together as planned. Maybe I'm being extra sensitive? which is why I wanted to canvas opinions.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 27/12/2012 23:39

It'd help if you hadn't dripfed this rather vital bit of information, tbh. Because it does now sound as if there might be more to this initially innocent act of eating before you got home. What did he say before you stopped speaking?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 27/12/2012 23:39

I cant see why eating together is so important every night.

If I had been out to lunch I probably wouldnt have wanted dinner anyway.

But if you think he did it as a passive agressive punishment then there are bigger problems.

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 23:42

Drip drip. Sounds like you have bigger issues going on than missing out one meal and having a bit of a row.

pictish · 27/12/2012 23:42

Ok...I shall wait to hear more then...

BabylonElf · 27/12/2012 23:44

Is this a wind up?? He ate without you and you argued?

Really??

Original poster

curmit · 27/12/2012 23:45

Sorry for drip feeding. I find it hard to know whether he is falling back into old behaviours or if am overreacting because of old experiences.

It wasn't a special meal or anything, but i think he knew I'd be back in time to eat together, or if he was unsure, quick call or text and we'd have sorted our arrangements. I think I'd have done that.

I probably did overreact. He went to bed without speaking so cannot resolve tonight. :/

OP posts:

pictish · 27/12/2012 23:49

What happened then?
You came in, saw that he had eaten already...then what?
I am trying to help you work out if it's him or you.

Was he offish/tense/sulky when you got home?

Imabadmum · 27/12/2012 23:50

If this is the biggest thing you gave to worry about right now, then lucky lucky you. YABU. mountains and molehills.

smornintime · 27/12/2012 23:53

If I was out and we had made a plan for tea I would expect to come home and eat together. DH would most likely let me know if he wasn't going to wait for me. I would say he was a bit U since you had a plan but it's not really worth not speaking over.

Original poster

curmit · 27/12/2012 23:56

I feel like he was offish - but he would deny that. I was then definitely offish when I realised he'd eaten without me (because I took it that I was being punished of old!)

So he then told me I was being 'Vile' (I wasn't) and that I was drunk (yes I'd had a couple of drinks) and he went to bed.

I think I obviously over-reacted, but I just felt like he was deliberately making me feel like I had stayed out too late or something. It is an old problem, I don't know how we can resolve it.

OP posts:

pictish · 28/12/2012 00:12

I would suggest that you trust your instinct OP.
Has he showed any signs of reverting to type before this incident today?

Original poster

curmit · 28/12/2012 00:22

Well, he really has been trying the last few years to not be that controlling person. But I think that's exactly it - I can tell he's really 'trying' and it doesn't come naturally, so I always feel like there's tension if i've gone out without him.

I think that if it was me I'd have called to say, 'do you mind if I eat now?' so to reduce any old tension, the fact he didn't, made me feel like he was deliberately cutting me off.

But I was probably over-reacting as everyone here has pointed out! Mountains and molehills etc, but I guess I do over-react to the smallest thing because I can't stand to go back to how it was.

OP posts:

CatchingMockingbirds · 28/12/2012 00:35

Maybe because of his past behaviour he didn't want to seem like he was checking up on you by asking what time you'd be home by so, rather than go hungry waiting, he just made himself some dinner. Or maybe he just forgot you'd previously discussed dinner.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 28/12/2012 00:37

But if he'd called you, while you were out with friends, to tell you he was going to eat...that'd look like controlling behaviour too. Like he was making sure you were thinking about him, or that he was checking up on you by using a feeble excuse for calling.

So perhaps he decided it would be better to just eat?

It might be that he is struggling. It might be that he felt a bit odd about you being out, tried his best not too, and decided not to call you for good reasons rather than bad ones.

It's silly not to talk about this, though, and I'd be upset that he'd gone to bed so that it couldn't be solved. That suggests deeper issues. You shouldn't be feeling on edge, and I can see why you've reacted the way you have (if it is in fact an overreaction) and he clearly isn't happy either. It might be time to have a chat about everything, because something clearly isn't working.

Original poster

curmit · 28/12/2012 00:42

Caja that's exactly what he said. Didn't want to call etc. Think have both over-reacted. Am going to try and resolve it before morning as hate sleeping on a argument.

Will wake him up and really p* him off!

Thank you all for voice of reason. x

OP posts:

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