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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another in-law thread

16 replies

Abitlikechicken · 27/12/2012 23:08

My FIL smokes, like a chimney and in his own house. He's getting over a very painful operation and so is smoking more to cope with the stress/pain/sleeplessness - often through the night. MIL 'let's' him as it's 'his house', she's old fashioned and claims to be sick of the rows. I don't think FIL will ever give up.

It's so smoky in the house that our clothes, hair and luggage smell for days afterwards and we can't stay more than a night. Everyone in the family who visits feels the same so they don't have visitors stay for long. MIL often airs her regret that visitors should stay longer and I honestly don't think she realises the extent of the issue, having lived with it for 50 odd years.

AIBU in the not-so subtle hints to drop - leaving windows open, constantly closing doors and taking DD (toddler) outside to play at every oppportinity?

OP posts:
shesariver · 27/12/2012 23:09

Why dont you just tell her the truth? Xmas Confused

jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 23:13

I think hinting is passive aggressive. Just be upfront: say it's their choice but you have chosen to avoid it.

Original poster
Abitlikechicken · 27/12/2012 23:14

She'd be mortified. She hates the smoking and everyone in the family has said their piece to him and now leaves him to it for a quiet life. There have been biiiig rows about it in the past. I don't really want to be the bitch who raises it again tbh.

OP posts:
jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 23:15

So she hates the smoking but doesn't see that everyone else does

YABU in the hints. Sorry. Either tell her, stop going or both.

NatashaBee · 27/12/2012 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo · 28/12/2012 01:08

Could you not appeal to FIL instead of going over the same ground with her about something that she evidently doesn't feel she can change?

peaceandlovebunny · 28/12/2012 02:01

just tell her. and don't take the baby to stay.

deleted203 · 28/12/2012 02:13

YABU to hint....it would be much better to be upfront and say, 'I'm sorry, but I really cannot breathe in this atmosphere - the smoke makes me feel like I'm choking, and I don't want DD breathing it into her lungs. It's dangerous to her health. Whilst I'm very fond of you, and accept that FIL has the right to smoke in his own house, you need to accept that we can't bear to sit in it. You are welcome to visit us whenever you like, however'.

AdoraJingleBells · 28/12/2012 02:22

I would say go to the Dr, tell ILs you had to take the baby and that you've been told not to expose a baby to that dangerous atmosphere. Or words to that effect. Also agree, talk to FIL rather than going over the same ground with MIL. No point doing the same thing and expecting a different result. It would be much better, carry more wait, coming from DH. If he tells them he won't be taking his baby there again until his father stops smoking in the house, at least.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/12/2012 02:34

If someone wants to smoke in there own house that's up to them, if you dislike it do not visit that house.

FestiveElement · 28/12/2012 02:49

There's no point dropping hints or saying it straight. Mil can't change what FIL does, and FIL clearly chooses to smoke.

You can't control what other people do, you can only control what you do. You can continue to minimise the effect the smoking has on you (without expecting your 'hints' to make a difference) or you can choose not to visit.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 28/12/2012 03:03

FIL chooses to smoke in his house

MIL chooses to live in a smoky house

You choose not to live in a smoky house

Tell her. Tell him. Don't piss about playing games.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 28/12/2012 07:09

He sounds like my dad. He's smoked for 50+ years, has been being treated for lung cancer for the past two years; he's not going to quit!

They can't come and visit us, so when we visit we only stay overnight once or twice a year. They are both fully aware of my views on smoking and it's changed nothing.

Your FIL won't change, so you have to decide how to handle that.

Original poster
Abitlikechicken · 28/12/2012 07:14

My DH is of the opinion that telling either of them is pointless as, as you say, he won't change and it'll just stress MIL out further. I'm really not playing any games - I'm happy to visit then within a few hours it becomes oppressive. I have told her in the past - as has DH, but she just tells us there's nothing she can do to make him give up (she won't consider the request to smoke outdoors - particularly since he's been ill. We visit maybe every 6 weeks or so, so I can't see it's doing long term harm to DD, though she doesn't sleep great when we do stay.

OP posts:
EuphemiaInExcelsis · 28/12/2012 07:20

DD and I stayed at my parents' this week and barely slept. Since his illness my dad feels the cold, so the house is like a furnace. Between that, the smoking and the fact that all the doors are closed to stop their dog getting in, the place is completely airless!

My only solution is to limit visits. I visit just for the day, which means five hours' driving, but it's better than staying overnight!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 28/12/2012 08:21

couldnt you visit for the day and go home again?

or wait until the local premierinn / travelodge has their cheap room offers?

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