Fucking ex

[Ilovewaleswhenitrains]

Need a rant. Son goes to his dads every other year at Christmas Day. He was due back at 11 this morning. I had a phone call at 10.30 from my son to say he would be late because his dad was having a shower. They should have left at 10.15 to be on time.
I am so upset and angry.

It doesn't sound like he will be hugely late but if you are counting the minutes I'm sure it is hard

Just breathe, he will be there soon and that's what matters

Depends how far the trip is I suppose.

So he's going to be 15-20 mins late? Why is this such an issue?

YABU. Just relax.

Guessing there is a major backstory here? I suspect there is a reason for you to be upset. On the surface YABU and OTT, but I think there's more to it.

I could be wrong.

My ExH is late nearly every time.

But pick your battles, and all that.

He is going to be an hour plus late. The issue is that the ex is a controlling bastard, and this is his way of getting control and upsetting me.

Tidy dancer - you are right about a backstory. I'm not late when it's my turn. Ex messes up every arrangement to suit himself.

Get control back. When they turn up at 12, tell ex that you knew that was what would happen so told him you wanted ds back at 11 accordingly. But make sure you tell him that you only do this sometimes so he doesn't start being 2 hours late.

Is his being later than expecting going to mess up your plans? What were you supposed to be doing when your son got home?

Those kind of mind games are hard to bite your tongue and ignore. I think in future I would be tempted to do exactly what P&P said, tell him you want your son back an hour before you really do. You know ex will be a tw*t and be late but you know you are getting him when you really expect him. You can then smile sweetly and welcome him home and give your ex the finger!

If he is doing this to gain a reaction then don't rise to it. I agree with the others, always secretely add an hour to the timings then you won't be upset, but inwardly smug that he isn't having any effect on you.

Hope you have a lovely day together when he arrives x

The issue is that the ex is a controlling bastard, and this is his way of getting control and upsetting me

Then don't show any upset or that you are in the least bit bothered by it.

Smile and wave, then get on with enjoying your day with your son.

He will only keep doing it if you show it bothers you.

I had a controlling bastard Ex, too. It took me a lonnnnnnnnnnng time to realise he could behave like an arse, but he couldn't control my reactions. My reactions were mine. And yours are yours. :)

Don't count the minutes. I know it's much easier said than done. Distract yourself. Watch something on iPlayer. Or have a bath. Or best of all, go out: pop to a friend's for a coffee or go for a walk. Ask your DS to text you 20 mins before they arrive back... Don't be deliberately difficult late, but don't rush, either. And well, if they have to wait a few minutes for you, they just do!

YANBU but don't let your x see that he's got to you.

I feel for you, I hate it when x brings dcs back a couple of minutes late, let alone an hour+

At least ds let you know do you aren't fretting too much.

I totally feel your pain. Sometimes it does really matter if someone is 15 or 20 minutes late - even if you haven't got anywhere you urgently needto be, it is still rude and disrepectful, it is like saying 'you and your time doesn't matter, I can make you hang around for me if I like'.

But I totally agree that he is probably doing this to get a reaction from you, so don't give him that pleasure.

Don't react. If he's trying to control then that just shows him that he's got to you.

Being a cow I'd great him with a massive smile and thank him for the £50 you've just won as you have a bet with friends every time dd goes to he's just how late he will be returned.

Ds sorry not dd

Don't react (to his face). Rant and seethe on here but be the very personification of merry Christmas spirit when he arrives with your DS.

He sounds a horror OP. Don't let him ruin the rest of the day with your DS. Vent now.

Yes...just be unfazed and keen to see him off when he does the drop off.
Thanks then...cheerio!

Don't let him see that he is bothering you.

Work out to the minute how late he is and deduct it from the start of his next visit.

This is what my friend does to her controlling game plying SBEX and it has hugely reduced the frequency of the 'accidental' late drop offs.

Thanks for the wise words. I didn't give any reaction to x when DS arrived home. The next chapter was x inviting himself to the cinema for DS's birthday on Friday! This is the birthday that he told me (yet again) he would not contribute financially to. The plan was that DS and friends would watch the film whilst DD and I sat in a different part of the cinema, and that DS would not want him sat with him and his friends!

I offered to "split" the arrangements, me do and pay for the cinema part, and him do and pay for the meal. Naturally he didn't want to do this as it involved money. So, he has messed my son around and I'm the one trying to make things ok

DS has been invited to his cousins birthday on Saturday (for a meal) X is now telling me that it's up to me to make sure DS is ready for him to collect for his weekend visit. He is ignoring the fact that I don't know what time the meal is.

Can you call or email the family of the cousin?

Ask your ds if he wants his dad at the cinema, sounds like it'll be a waste of time if he just wants to hang out with mates.

I have sent an email to the cousins family. Will probably have a reply tomorrow.