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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby at funeral

61 replies

nillynoon · 13/12/2012 11:11

Not sure what to do. A close family relative passed away this week, and the funeral will be next week. I am ebf my 6 week old baby and haven't expressed or tried a bottle of ebm.

The funeral will be a couple of hours away, so a fair bit of travelling.

I want to go, but am worried about the logistics of it all, and whether taking such a young baby is correct etiquette. I could feasibly just attend the wake rather than the full church service and interment.

So not so much aibu, rather more looking for advice/other people's experiences of babies and funerals so I can plan what's going to be best for everyone involved

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 13/12/2012 11:13

I took my youngest as a baby to his great Grandads funeral & it was fine. Was sad that he didn't get to see him though.

MerryChristmasEverybody · 13/12/2012 11:14

I would go, take baby, but sit right at the back so if baby starts to cry, you can exit without causing too much problem.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2012 11:15

I would take the baby with you - hopefully the baby will just sleep or breastfeed throughout the service and you can always sit at the back so that you can slip out easily if required. Taking a newborn isn't the same as taking toddlers and young children who would not understand what is going on and not be able to sit quietly.
Perhaps you could ask the immediate family though and see if they are happy for the baby to come? It isn't like you could leave the baby though with a journey that length.

Selks · 13/12/2012 11:16

My friend too her baby to the funeral of my partner (years ago). It was nice to have a baby there actually...kind of a reminder of life.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2012 11:18

I agree with Selks. You should take the baby.

pELFicFloorClenchReminder · 13/12/2012 11:18

So sorry for your loss.

I would take the baby as others have said, with the option of nipping out if things get fractious. I took my DS to my mum's funeral (had no choice!) and he was fine - nobody minded and there were no problems.

HairyGrotter · 13/12/2012 11:18

Take the baby with you! I often think it's nice to have a 'new life' there to remind us all that it is a cycle.

As Merry said, sit at the back if you're worried so you can nip out (no pun intended) if needs be.

LadyBeagleBaublesandBells · 13/12/2012 11:19

My dn brought her 18m old and her baby to my mum's (her grandmother's) funeral in May.
Her partner took them out when they got noisy but it was so lovely to see them, and my mum would have been smiling from above.
So yes, I'd do it.

DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus · 13/12/2012 11:19

Will your DP be going with you? Could you sit near the back of the church and if necessary DP can take the baby out? I'm sure no-one would mind you BF during the service if necessary.

I personally wouldn't mind such a young baby attending, so long as the baby was taken out if crying.

beingginger · 13/12/2012 11:20

i took my 5 month old ebf ds1 to my grandads funeral. i'm in england and he's in ireland so an over night trip, it was fine.
he was well behaved and it was nice for the rest of the family to have a baby around and make all the old ladies smile!

EnjoyResponsibly · 13/12/2012 11:20

I agree, sit right at the back and leave promptly if the baby wakes.

Unlike the parent at this mornings nativity who's two yo was front row and screamed for a whole song Xmas Angry

BadDayAtTheOrifice · 13/12/2012 11:20

I was at a funeral yesterday and there was a baby at the service and 2 at the wake. It was a nice distraction for everyone.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/12/2012 11:21

I agree, take the baby and sit at back on aisle so you can go outside if baby is very unsettled.

I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

GordonsAlive · 13/12/2012 11:22

My 5 month old ds has already been to 2 funerals. 1st one I had to step out of to feed him, but he was fine for the 2nd.

Feed as close as possible to the start of the funeral, so that sleep is more likely, have them in a pram or sling so it's easier to keep them happy/sleeping. And yes, sit near the back.

Everyone was very happy to have him there as he was a bright point in an otherwise sad day.

Sorry for your loss x

takataka · 13/12/2012 11:27

i took my baby dd1 to a friends funeral. it was a huge catholic affair with lots of people as he died young. I was a bit apprehensive but was encouraged by friends and family to go and take baby.

It is a really good destratction for people and alot of people came to talk to me and say it was good to have a baby there to remind everyone about the circle of life (crying now). thats what it is all about huh

I did go out towards the end of the service as baby dd needed feeding and nappy change. But didnt feel I was causing any disruption or shouldnt have been there at all

Tamisara · 13/12/2012 11:31

I think for an adult funeral it is fine.

For a very young child/baby's funeral, then no, it would be insensitive.

SarahWarahWoo · 13/12/2012 11:32

I

addictedismoving · 13/12/2012 11:37

I took my dds (2 and 9months) to my grandads funeral. Dh took them out when they got fractious meaning I could stay.
My grandmother loved having all her great grandchildren there, it made her feel better.

Saying that, my other nan specifically stated no children at my pas funeral it ment my mum had to leave her 2 week old baby to attend Shock

I would ask whoevers organising (or someone close if its the widdow/er) if it was ok.

doublecakeplease · 13/12/2012 11:37

I took mine to his Great Gran's and it was fine. Not something I'd have agreed with before but my MIL asked us to (was her Mum's funeral) and he was a nice distraction. I'd ask the permission of the Next of Kim though.

SarahWarahWoo · 13/12/2012 11:37

I took my 7 week old baby to my friends fathers funeral on Friday, she slept through but I was poised (like a sprinter in blocks!) to take baby out if she cried during service, then for burial my hubby took baby back to the car allowing me to go to the grave side, my friend was touched that we made the effort to go and I made sure that the family got to have a hold of baby before we left, (they did want to).

My tip would be to have someone with you, I was very relieved that hubby took the baby back to the car as we had been lucky that she had slept that long but also because it was so cold, wrap you and baby up well,

Original poster
nillynoon · 13/12/2012 11:40

Thanks everyone, its one of my grandparents that has passed. Might travel up the day before to make things easier

OP posts:
BerryChristmas · 13/12/2012 11:43

Go by all means, but please don't do what my cousin did - she let her baby scream all throughout my Dad's funeral.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 13/12/2012 11:44

My Godson's great grandmother died when he was little. His mom, my friend, wasn't sure what to do.

I went with her and stayed all day to look after my Godson. It meant she was able to attend the funeral and look after her son when he needed her, but also that she was able to sit through the entire service and catch up with family and have time to grieve because I just took him off for a walk, or a play and let her get on with it.

I don't think it should be a problem at all. In fact I know a lot of people found it a comfort and delight that he was there on such on occasion.

Go. Take him. Excuse yourself if he starts to interrupt the service etc. And if you have a friend who would be happy to go along and help you then ask. I know I was more than happy to do it for my friend and would do it again in a second, to support someone.

autumnmum · 13/12/2012 11:45

Take your baby. There were babies at my dad's funeral and we didn't mind a bit. My youngest who was 20 months didn't go because he was too old to be easily distracted and too young to understand what was going on, and I needed to support my Mum. All the other grandkids were there though, including a little baby. It's a lovely distraction and a reminder that life really does go on.

quesadilla · 13/12/2012 11:50

I took my dd to my step-grandmother's funeral at 3 months and it was OK but I made a point of checking with the organized (my aunt) that it was OK and also arrived early enough to position myself next to the door so I was able to step outside when she started grizzling. It just needs a bit of logistical planning and thought.