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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my dd's dad to fuck off

36 replies

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 17:20

He hasn't seen her since september, one phone call to ask what she wants for christmas till today when he rung and said he needs to speak to me and can he see dd, he was on his way and would be here by 4.... dd rung him half hour ago and again he's on his way.

I'm really considering stopping any contact at all, this is not the first time and this won't be the last. He doesn't bother to see her regularly and hasn't gave me any money since May.

OP posts:
DoingItOntheRoofTopWithSanta · 05/12/2012 17:21

YANBU, but not really the time of year to do it is it? It will only upset your dd. Sorry you are having a shit time of it

Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 17:23

I feel like saying if you really want to see her take me to court and get regular access instead of this pissing her about all the bloody time.

I don't even care about the money I always said she wasn't a pay per view but I'm at the end of my tether right here. Sad

OP posts:
clam · 05/12/2012 17:24

If he's not paying maintenance then you need to get the CSA involved. Then it can't be withdrawn on a whim by him.

HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 17:26

I personally would tell him to go through the courts or a contact centre to set up regular contact. You have given him the chances, he has abused these chances, enough is enough. Your daughter is the priority and she deserves stability and love, not half arsed idiots.

BTW, I'm a lone parent, my DD's father has never met her, and has no intention to, but if he fucked her about once, he's card would be marked and he would have to prove that he wouldn't do it again.

HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 17:27

*his

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 05/12/2012 17:27

YANBU - It's so sad for DD he's such a git :(

Letsmakecookies · 05/12/2012 17:32

You are not unreasonable to want to tell him to fuck off. Mine hasn't seen his children since early August, and I can't write what I actually feel about that as it is not polite.

But I think that in this case a) your x needs to give you more notice (a day/week whatever you want it to be) than 1 hour before he just turns up at your doorstep, that is just plain rude and disruptive b) money and contact are separate issues (frustrating as that is) and c) your daughter will realise when she is older how wonderful you were to not prevent her seeing her deadbeat dad and love you the more for it.

Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 17:33

He just rang to ask for my postcode (even though he knows where I live) saying he's coming back to Bristol and wants to work out the quickest way. I told him it was to late,

Il let dd see him over Xmas and her birthday (just after) because he's got her the furby she wants and after that he can take me to court if he can be bothered. Really Sad that he can't see how lucky he is to have her.

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Letsmakecookies · 05/12/2012 17:34

Saying that, I do like Hairys idea too. It is so hard and frustrating when there is just no right answer as a mum. Your damned if you do and damned if you don't really.

Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 17:34

Letsmakecookies that's what I always though with regards to why I've never pushed it before but i can't see her upset because e doesn't show up anymore.

OP posts:
Letsmakecookies · 05/12/2012 17:35

Good for you.

Letsmakecookies · 05/12/2012 17:36

Inneed - I do totally empathise, being in a similar place. But I do think you were right whatever to put your foot down today, he was taking the mickey.

Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 17:39

I don't feel that I'm doing the right thing though, she hardly sees him as it is.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 17:39

The boundaries need to be set, and he has to PROVE to want to be part of her life. You have been generous with the chances, he hasn't bothered. Now the ball should be in his court as to whether he is ready to step the fuck up and be her 'dad' instead of a man who happened to just 'father' a child.

HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 17:41

You won't be doing her any favours by letting this 'sporadic' time continue much longer. One thing kids need is stability, she needs to know that no matter what, she has a 'safe base' and that is vital (imo) to the child growing up to be happy and confident.

Santasapunkatheart · 05/12/2012 17:43

I have git too - my daughter actually wants nothing to do with her dad, so I can sympathise hugely.

You sadly have to be the parent here for her....at least she has a loving mum.

Horrible time of year for all this, isn't it? Worse to see our children upset and let down by (fill in the blank)s.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this but you know what, you will be OK...you are doing the right thing, all along the line...

Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 17:44

I know if he has to step up or step out he'd chose to step out. So I've always gone along with least she knows him and can't blame me for his shit, so I know me telling him to fuck off and take me to court is effectively stopping my dd knowing him his mum and her other brothers and sister.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 17:48

Does his side of the family have contact with her? Why would that cease if he decides not to bother.

I'm not a big believer in having a useless parent around a child, I study Psychology, and child development, it makes me a little tetchy that some many people try and 'orchestrate' something that isn't really good for the child. She will grow up and understand the circumstances, you won't be the bad party (or maybe will be during the teenage years but what mum isn't), you have to protect your child and be the parent. Strong and stable.

However, I only speak from my side of the fence, not really the right or wrong side haha

Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 17:55

I don't know his mum where we have each others numbers and such and I'd doubt she'd ever ring me/she hasn't before. And the rest of his dc are scattered about. Dd isnt close to any of them doesn't see her grandma at Christmas and such, if I do cut him out it won't be a sudden hole in her life.

So how would I go about getting him to have regular access or no access? Do I just say that's it fuck off and either wait for a solicitor letter or not.

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HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 17:59

I would talk to him and explain that, if he wants regular contact he needs to either arrange this with you, or he goes through a solicitor.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 05/12/2012 18:00

i dont really have any advice but i just wanted to to say that my "dad" left when i was 3 (im 31 on friday), and ive turned out pretty ok. i dont remember him at all but i know how hard it was for my mum to bring me up by herself, and it made us so much closer.

as horrible as it would be in the beginning for her, your dd will be absolutely fine if he chose to walk away. being constantly let down by a fuck wit her dad, i think, would be so much more damaging to her. go through the courts and get money for her too... at least then you can prove to her when she's older that you did your best

ChocHobNob · 05/12/2012 18:04

"So how would I go about getting him to have regular access or no access?"

I would ask for set days and times. No messing around. If he can't give you set times tell him he needs to apply to court.

If he gives you the times, give him 30 mins past the collection time and if he doesn't show you and DD carry on doing what you're doing or go out etc. Text him and say "You are late. We have plans. DD will see you next time".

Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 18:19

Ok any ideas how to explain it to dd?

OP posts:
Original poster
InNeedOfBrandyButter · 05/12/2012 18:19

She's 7 just after Christmas.

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 18:20

Just be honest with her, she is at an age where she will understand honesty. My friends DD is just a little older, and my friend had to do the same thing. She was open and honest, let her DD ask questions and all has been fine thus far.