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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to need help?

24 replies

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 10:42

Having twins at some point in the next few weeks. Therefore facing sugery (C S), looking after 2 newborns (assuming they are healthy at birth) plus an older DC; school runs etc. I do have a partner but he can only take 2 wks off work.
Have asked DM for help. She said ... No, I'm busy.

I am furious and hurt.

I am not speaking to her and I am not going to talk to her about it. I feel like cutting her out of my life, she has made numerous choices over the last 10 years that have illustratde how self centred and selfish she is, she always putsherself first no matter what - even above best friends who were dying etc.

Any top tips on how to cope on my own?!

OP posts:

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 03/12/2012 10:46

can another parent help with the school runs for the older dc until xmas break?

that will give you several weeks to get into a routine with twins

congrats by the way

Original poster

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 10:48

Thankyou, yes I have had an offer of help for school drop off which I will take up. And I have some lovely friends who have offered to help on top of their already busy lives, so have accepted that as well.

Just wish I had the type of realtionship that most people seem to have - where you can ask for a couple of weeks help when you need it and it won't be begrudged.

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DontHaveAtv · 03/12/2012 10:50

Is there another mum that can help you and take your older dc to school?
I remember doing the school run when I had my twins and had three older dc at school. But I didn't have a c section so was easier.
Good luck and congratulations.

TartyMcTart · 03/12/2012 10:50

I'm so sorry you're mum is like this Queen sometimes I can't comprehend what some of the DM's and MIL's are like on here. My mum would love to help out if it was me but unfortunately not all are like that...

I second asking another parent to help with the school run - maybe one friend for the morning drop off and another for the afternoon pickup? Most people really don't mind helping out and with twins!!! I think most of us would realise you might find things a struggle for those first few weeks.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 03/12/2012 10:54

That's hard for you, in all respects. Now is the time you need her the most.

But she doesn't want to for whatever reason. And she doesn't have to. As hard as that is, it's true. Not a thing I could do but I know first hand how selfish family can be.

Is there anyone else, sister, in laws, friends?

It will be tough but try and make it as easy as possible for yourself. Ready meals, the odd takeaway... easy to make meals. Don't expect anything in those early weeks other than feeding and looking after the babies and getting the older ones to school.

Plus don't let this overshadow what is a lovely, special time

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 03/12/2012 10:57

have you started batch cooking for the freezer, that still works really well in out house

start using internet shopping for groceries

advertise for a young person to come for a couple of hours after school 1 or 2 days a week

sorry if you have thought of these, i;m sure wiser folk will be along in a moment :)

Original poster

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 10:58

Yes you're right everlong.
At the end of the day it's her loss.

It just really, really hurts.

I'll get through it somehow, I'm always stronger than I think I am. But honestly it's like she's 2 years old, if it doesn't have a direct benefit to her it doesn't matter. WTF is that all about ??!

Hope I haven't inherited those genes...!

OP posts:

Original poster

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 11:02

And yes to batch cooking - great idea!

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EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 03/12/2012 11:03

I know this must hurt. Of course it does. You'd think she would be bursting through the door to see them but some people are just purely selfish. They just put their needs first and you can't change them.

Dh's father is the same. It's taken years to accept this but we have now. It's just sad for the dc.

Have you always had a strained relationship with her?

DontHaveAtv · 03/12/2012 11:03

It can be hurtful when a family member doesn't want to help. But its not her responsibility no matter how harsh it seems. It can make it worse when you see other people getting support from their families. All you can take from this is the fact you will be there for your children when they need you when they are older.

WileyRoadRunner · 03/12/2012 11:04

Yanbu. It must really hurt that your mother has said that he won't help out for a few weeks.

It will be hard after a c section and with twins. Is the school within walking distance? Do they have a breakfast club that your DH could drop your older child off a before he goes to work?

After my first c-section my DH took some leave after paternity - he took every other day off (tues/thurs) for two weeks. Is this something that would be possible?

Original poster

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 11:13

My relationship with her changed when I left home and got married, the distance made me see her in a differentlight.
Apparently, my wedding day was all about her ... had to be v careful to delegate, make her feel included etc etc.
Then, when I became a mother the first time, I noticed how selfish she is, - if I had to, I would die for my DCs, and will willingly go without so they don't. To me, that's part of motherhood. I have no memeories of her spending time with me when I was little. I can remeber her shouting and I can remebr going to a childminder once, who did play with us, and I can remeber thinking 'why won't my mummy do that with me' - I must have been about 6 or 7.
Ever since it has been a constant source of annoyance for me - the endless 'me me me' of it all, and the never ending criticisms of me as a mother.
She has ONCE offered to babysit for me. In 5.5 years. I have asked a few times but the ansewr is always no.

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WelshMaenad · 03/12/2012 11:18

YANBU, I would be gutted if my mum wouldn't help me when I really needed her.

Can I recommend you order yourself a Theraline caesarean belt? I had one after my elective with DS and it was the best £20 I ever spent, it gave me do much more confidence, especially with managing hugs from a sharp-elbowed three year old! I was actually driving after 13 days.

Original poster

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 11:24

Oh wow welsh thank you. Will google straight away!

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EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin · 03/12/2012 11:27

She sounds narcissistic. You have a major event coming up, one that you need all your emotional and physical strength for. You have to try to put her out of your mind ( not easy I know ) and keep focused on your family.

Because her behaviour will still be the same.

Have you picked names? Do you know the sex? You must be so excited!

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 03/12/2012 11:36

You will be amazed how people rally round when you have a new baby, I had moved to a new village, thought everyone was above me,didn't really have any friends, but when my DD came 2 months early, they were all so lovely, I'll never forget that, or how badly I had judged them without meaning to.
Your Mum is selfish, at least you know now, that you can't rely on her, that knowledge is power. Lean on the people you can trust, it will all be fine, and Congratulations!!

Original poster

Queenmarigold · 03/12/2012 11:55

True to all the comments - thank you for the pep talk!

I can and I will find a way, it will just be hard for a while but not forever. She can get stuffed.

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thismumismad · 03/12/2012 11:57

I too can recommend batch cooking for the freezer. I was recommended fried egg sarnies for an almost instant (well the time it takes to fry the egg, flipping it to get both sides and the yoke burst and so hard cooked) carbohydrate, fat and protein hit along with a BIG glass of squash. This I used to make before settling down to feed them. Take a look at a site called approved foods, I got some packs of couscous (which only takes pouring over with boiling water) and loads of other stuff really cheaply. I was lucky in that my first was my twins and just got away without having a CS. If you cannot get anything to do the school runs, I used to put the baby in the pram still in sleepsuit with her coat on (nobody knows what is under the blanket or cosy-toes) and I'd feed her when I got home. Yes it is shit that your DM does not want to help it will be her loss in the end.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 03/12/2012 12:45

I would help you if I could! Where are you? I could do a couple of hours on a Saturday morning to keep you sane?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 03/12/2012 12:46

That sounds ridiculous.... "To TRY to help you keep sane"!

Original poster

Queenmarigold · 11/12/2012 11:32

Thanks Alli, I'm in the NW Midlands.

I'm sure I'll be Ok, in the last week she has showed signs of softening .. i.e. ignoring that fact that she should apologise and pretending that it never happened and I will be fine. Jeez, families!

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DozyDuck · 11/12/2012 11:36

:( I was sort of 'adopted' by my best friends family. My mum is ok but very busy. My DS has severe special needs and disabilities and my mum is a bit naff at emotional support (just is not a purposeful act) and all my other family are miles away. My friends mum and dad (mum especially) are amazing what about your DPs family?

valiumredhead · 11/12/2012 11:39

Wrt the school, are there any teachers who live near you that could help with drop offs? My ds's primary school were great about offering lifts etc after I had had an accident.

TerraNotSoFirma · 11/12/2012 12:04

I'm sorry your mum is being so crap, but you will manage without her, you can do it.
My DD was only 20 months old when DS was born and I was worried about managing them both.
Some things that helped me were

I had outfits hung up together with underwear on hanger, nothing fancy, joggers and tshirts etc, but being able to grab a quick shower and just grab a hanger and get dressed without having to think about it helped me greatly.

Batch cooking and making up lunch plates in the morning for me and DD, just usually cold meat and salad, things like that.

DH had a list of jobs that he did daily, really took the pressure of knowing that at least these things would be done.

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