AIBU to be pissed off with my ex?

[charllie]

Bit of background first, I broke up with ex my in 2009 and since then he rarely sees our daughter (who is now 6) it seems the only time he wants to see her is when it suits him, or when he remembers. Her birthday this year, he text in the morning to see if he could see her, we'd obviously made plans seeing as you get lots of notice for a birthday. Last years birthday, he didn't phone her let alone want to see her. His excuse, he was busy. The last time he spent any time with her was in August this year and only because she was in hospital after an operation so he done his 'father' duty and came to see her for all of 10 minutes, before that it was February.
The reason for this post, his girlfriend just text me asking if they can have her on Christmas Day!! I was so angry when I read it, how dare they ask to see her on such an important day to a child when all year they never make any effort. I'm fuming! He really doesn't deserve the title 'daddy' as far as I'm concerned.

But what's the harm in them asking?

sounds a bit like if they do they're wrong and if they don't they're wrong?

how about comprimising with boxing day?

So you do everything for your daughter all year round while he does the bare minimum and he expects to have her on Christmas day?? YANBU. Tell him to piss right off, cheeky git!!!

I offered Boxing Day and she wasn't happy with that really.

I agree with wiggle, cheeky sod!

Ask your DD if she wants to see her dad BD, then leave it up to her.

Is this a new girlfriend for him? Maybe she's trying to build bridges?

On the other hand it could be an empty gesture, asking you because they know you will say no so they can then blame you. tuts

well in that case YANBU, it would have been a very reasonable comprimise!

Its not a new gf no, they've been together for over a year now. I've left it with her that I will speak to my DD in the morning and see what she says. But it would be spending time on Christmas Day, which she is really looking forward to, with a father she rarely sees, his gf who she's met maybe 6 times, her 2 children who my DD has never met, her grandson and her mum (again who my DD has never met) so how uncomfortable would she be feeling on such a big day for her!

Definitely NBU! For goodness sake! Does he honestly expect you to spend Christmas Day without your DD, (and for her to spend it with a man she has apparently seen about twice this year - at age 6????). Furthermore, I'd be fucking annoyed that his girlfriend had texted me to ask. She's got a bloody nerve texting to ask if she can have another woman's child for Christmas Day IMO. I'd be tempted to send back a really sarcastic text along the lines of, 'Oh absolutely! I'm dying to spend Christmas day without my little girl. I was just thinking, 'now who could I fob her off onto' when I got your text. She will be thrilled at spending the day with people who are practically strangers to her, naturally'.

Just say 'no'. YANBU.

I will always remember the Boxing Day when DS1 was 4. His dad was due to collect him... And he sat and sat and sat on the windowsill watching the street... And his dad never came :( :(

For Christ's Sake, girl! (x posted with you). DO NOT speak to DD and even ASK what she wants to do! Tell the woman to fuck off. (If you are nicer than me you could say that perhaps DD could see her father at some point over the Christmas holidays - but that it will definitely not be on Christmas Day itself).

YANBU like you want to send your daughter to spend Christmas day with people who by now will be a faded memory, almost strangers!

Tell her they can have your DD on Christmas day for 2 minutes for each hour they have seen her in the last year (including traveling time)...
She's not going anywhere!

Just a thought - but why is the gf asking and not her Dad .....? all seems very strange. I don't think it's right to put your DD in the position of having to choose between her Mum and her dad - she could end up feeling guilty whatever she says. Think this is one for the adults. I agree with everyone so far - NO being with Dad on Christmas Day. Maybe he could pop in for hour to see her...

This sounds a bit like the phenomena of 'new girlfriend spurs sudden onset of wanting to be daddy'

DO NOT ASK HER.

Seriously, dont.

She will be so torn and upset, it could spoil the whole day for her weeks ahead.

Just say no to them and that if they want to see her then they can have her for 2 hours on boxing day.

There are some decisions that as parents we have to make because our children are just not equipped to make them themselves, this is one. Dont do it to your DD.

IE 'lets impress GF with what a great dad I am' or 'contact initiated by GF to convince herself her DP is not indeed a feckless parent'

Him coming to see her is a definite no! I hate the man and can not have him in my home. He's already tarred it with so many bad memories. Thanks for the advice everyone. Won't be asking her, will stick to my first decision which was he can see her for a couple of hours on Boxing Day. He is never the one who gets in touch anymore, its always her. You'd think he'd make the effort to phone/text himself but no

Perhaps the GF is genuinely nice and is trying to be a mediator, if he has said that you will just tell him to fuck off. Perhaps she really thinks that she is helping. I find it hard to imagine why she would be getting in touch with you otherwise.

Think back, was he always useless when you were together? did you do all the contacting people, buying birthday or Xmas gifts etc? Chances are he is being just as useless with her but she is still in the "mothering" phase

A six year old can have two Christmas days, they don't care what number is on the calendar.

Your Ex and his DP are being cheeky buggers but there's no need to be pissed off, just say no if you want to, being pissed off only effects you

I would text her back and tell her you won't be arranging anything with her or even entering a conversation with her in future. Deal only with the ex not his gf.

I would be bloody livid if some women started texting me. It's up to your ex no one else.

( I think its different if he's generally a good dad and she is a long standing gf and part of your dds life but that's not the case here.)

I too was thinking why has the gf texted and not her father?
Say no and leave it at that.

Just say no. I wouldn't ask your dd either, she is too young to fully understand. It sounds like he wants to show her off and it isn't about your DD's happiness at all. She should stay with you - awful for a 6yo to spend Christmas with people she hardly knows and some she doesn't know at all. I'm afraid that includes her "dad" as he doesn't actually bother with her. She won't have anyone there she really knows well

Yes.
Christmas Dsy is for you.
More than fair to offer boxing day.
Agree with others -don't ask your daughter, she can just be told closer to the time. She doesn't need any doubts/guilt etc if she chose you for Christmas Day. (if that makes sense?)

Speaking from my own experience and several of my friends', sometimes it can be a real relief when Slack Dad Ex gets a girlfriend... If she's a decent person, it means you don't have to deal directly with a man you'd sooner slaughter with an axe than talk to not have to deal with... And you know your DC is with someone who will actually be responsible.