Aibu to feel put out by dm's unwarm welcome??

[FloatyFlo]

My dm and grandparents live in the same village about twenty min drive from where I live. Dsis and I planned on going to visit both parties today with my ds 2yrs.

Just about to leave home to catch bus over, when dm rings dsis, to say gp's are too unwell for visit today. No prob, fully understandable. Dsis goes on to say well I'll still come to yours. Dm was just about to pop out but will text when home. I mime to dsis to tell dm that myself and ds will be joining them. I then hear dm say 'Oh for gods sake really? That means im gonna have to tidy the house.'

Just to clarify, its not the tidy the house part I feel offended by (even though its totally unnecessary for her to do so! I'm not sue why she feels like she has to), its the oh for gods sake really. Obviously she didn't realise I could hear everything she was saying, but what a reaction to have at the thought of dd and dgs coming to see them, the dd and dgs that she hasn't seen or spoken to for a month and a half!

if she too busy or not up for a ( very well behaved pleasant tantrum free) two year old in the house, fair enough but aibu to feel slightly upset at her reaction??

Maybe she means put ornaments and dangerous things out of harms way?

I don't know your mother, so it's hard to tell but i'm going to go with YANBU.

Perhaps her floor is covered in glass? Or some other more-likely stuff that would be dangerous for a two year old.
Shame you overheard that, not very nice.

yeah I didn't think of tidying up in that sense. But its not like she doesn't have kids in the house much, my younger sibling are 11, 8 and 6. Wasn't very nice to hear at all but maybe im just being over sensitive

Is she looking after your sick grandparents? Because I can see that if she's looking after ill parents and has 3 children of her own to worry about, she might well not appreciate the extra hassle of child proofing for a toddler (which is what I immediately thought the tidying was about).

So she has 3 kids to look after and possibly help out her parents. no wonder.

she is probably quite stressed out and (as awful as it sounds) doesn't relish the thought of another toddler in the house today. I am sure she loves your child, but sometimes being a parent is hard and it gets on top of you.

Also there is a massive difference in what you leave around when a toddler compared with a six year old.

YANBU to be miffed, but try and see it from her POV.

Redskyatnight she's not looking after them no. Yes I think tidying up meant toddler proofing and making sure the floors generally clean for ds to be rolling around on. That's makes sense now. I think its just the way she made it clear to dsis that we weren't welcome today. Why not just say not today, or its not a good time, that what she would have said if I had been on the phone to her I imagine, iyswim.

I wouldn't bother going tbh.

How hurtful.

I'd have been hurt by that, and I wouldn't have gone. What did you do?

Pamela thanks for that. I do see it from her pov, completely. Its just me being a bit sensitive to the way she expressed her exasperation at the thought of us coming over. never mind. Sorry to drip feed, if thats the right phrase but I made it sound like she's on her own, my stepdad is there too and they are his parents.

I didn't go. Obviously wasn't having the best of days so didn't want to add to the strain.

People don't always react how they 'should', especially if she is having a shit day. she might be tired, not feeling entirely well herself etc.

I am sure she feels bad now, or at least when she has chilled a bit.

Just to play Devil's advocate - has she been trying to help the elderly sick GPs whilst coping with her own household and children?
Maybe she is just a bit frazzled and said it out of tiredness and frustration? It's not as if she called you names or made a personal attack though. Is it out of character for her?
Was it not just an off the cuff response borne out of being very busy?
If you can honestly say you have never said "Oh for god's sake (insert similar situation)" in response to hearing about something she has planned/said/done when not actually in front of her face-to-face then maybe you have reason to be offended. Even if she didn't hear you say it.

... if my mum had said that I'd assume she was in the midst of a busy and tiring situation and didn't need any "extra stuff" IYKWIM?

Ah, sorry - I see I have been monumentally slow at posting ... again!

Has she always been this way about you?

SoleSource We're not massively close. But no-one in the family is really. Only ever small talk and never feel like I can turn to her. We had no contact for about two years when I was 18.

So sorry Flo. I missed your reply. I am NOT at all surprised by the content of your response. She is emotionally detached and for that I feel your pain.

Thank you Solesource. You obviously see where I'm coming from. Nice to know that perhaps I'm not the only one...

Unfortunately I and many othets can see it. You are not alone, this is sadky very commin. Psychodynamic tgerapy helped me. Look into it. It is around £40 a week x

From her perspective, if I may.

She is a busy mum with children and grandchildren. I reckon you are the oldest, of 5? It is saturday, she is the mum of three other children at home, 11, 8 and 6, as you say. You are young, and you only have one child.

Before I continue. Do you work? Does your mum work?
Nevertheless.
Can you imagine what it is like to be in your 40s, have three school age children, deal with home work, juggling out of school activities, etc. It is Saturday, and you are just on your way to pop out, maybe to get some groceries in, maybe to meet a friend for a coffee after a busy week, or maybe to buy new school shoes for your oldest who has a growth spurt, and you hear that your two oldest children, and a grandchild, is on your way over uninvited.

Just think about it.

You are not the only busy mum here, I reckon your mum is by far busier!
What gives you the right to just "pop by" with another young one at the spur of the moment and think the world and his mother would be happy?

I should also add, that your mum is probably also quite busy with sick parents, and to juggle sick parents, and your own children and family life can be quite hard. I cant imagine adding a grandchild to that.

Don't you ever think that kind of thing about company? She didn't say it to your face. It means she wants you to come to a nice house, think of it that way.
My mum and her mum are very close but even she moans when her mum comes to stay because it means she has to get everything ready and overturn her routine. Don't take it personally!

Woah Notquint! Are you my Mum?? No seriously there is alot of back story here and I feel at face value my original post looks as though I'm being inconsiderate and blind towards my dm. There will be some MNers that see my point and hurt at what has gone on without needing all the back story. Others (and your're the lucky ones), not so much.