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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just send a card?

23 replies

notjustastateofmind · 29/10/2012 15:21

My sister is having a baby in about four weeks time.

Me and my sister haven't spoken for about 3 years. There was no argument or falling out- we are just very different people with very different priorities so we just stopped calling each other and now haven't talked for about 3 years.

So I guess the expectation if we were close would be for me to go and see her when he's had the baby but I'm not going to do that.

My mum is acting like this is the most awful thing that anyone's ever done ever but I think sending a congratulations card is fine considering we haven't spoken a single word to each other since 2009.

AIBU for just sending a congratulations card?

OP posts:

blueraincoat · 29/10/2012 15:26

Why does your mum find this awful but not that you haven't spoken in 3 years awful? Unless she does and you just haven't said. Sorry just wondering.

I think if sending a card is what you feel comfortable doing then do that. Just because she is your family doesn't mean you should feel obliged to do anything other than what you feel comfortable doing.

SandWitch · 29/10/2012 15:26

Perhaps send a card and a little gift - if you have not had a falling out as such, maybe it will be the starting point for a new relationship.

PuppyMonkey · 29/10/2012 15:29

Would it really be such a trial to pop over and see her for half an hour? Not saying you should feel under pressure to start doing more with her if you don't fancy that. But, just to see her and baby, then move on?

CailinDana · 29/10/2012 15:34

Is your mother like my mother - does she expect you to pretend to get along with your sister for the sake of appearances? I actively dislike my sister and my mother knows it yet she pretends not to. She expects us to get on because "that's what people do" and because no one is allowed to be in any way negative (except her of course).

If my sister had a baby I would send a card and a present. I wouldn't visit though because that would be totally hypocritical.

ExitPursuedByAaaaaarGhoul · 29/10/2012 15:41

I think a card and a small gift would be the most appropriate thing to do.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 15:45

I agree with puppy could you really not spare half an hour?

Icelollycraving · 29/10/2012 15:45

Would you like to have a relationship again or see your niece/nephew?
If not,I think a card & small gift.
Perhaps it's time to start afresh?

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 15:47

I think if you DON'T go and visit then it makes the future very clear in as much as it would be very hard to start again if you don't even visit when she has a baby.

GreenShadow · 29/10/2012 15:47

Agree with others - a small gift would be nice at a time like this.

You may not get on with your sister, but this baby is your brand new nephew or niece. Does it not have some sort of 'right' ( not the correct word, but not quite sure what else is) to know it's aunty?

Everlong · 29/10/2012 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatsRule · 29/10/2012 15:51

I think you are at least being true.

We had family who didn't want to know us prior to ds, afterwards they were so obvious about still not caring to know us and only wanted ds. People who hadn't even been in out home for 10 years (20 mins drive away) were demanding to have a two week old baby stay with them and be away from us....the family they didn't and don't want to know!

At least you are not being like that! It may be the start of a better relationship like another poster said.

Original poster

notjustastateofmind · 29/10/2012 16:06

It wouldn't really be a case of popping over to see her for half hour as she lives about 300 miles away so it'd necessitate a huge trip and probably an overnight stay which, even if it was in a hotel, I really wouldn't want to do.

I guess sending over a gift would also be a way to go. Or perhaps some ELC vouchers? I'm not keen on sending gifts in the post since my very expensive anniversary present to my best friend went missing! Grrr!

In answer to a question above, my mum sees it as absolutely diabolical that me and my sister don't speak because we're sisters and bloods is thicker than water etc. To me this is bollocks, we're both grown women with very different lives and priorities. To me the fact that we grew up in the same house and share the same parentage means very little. But my mum would prefer it if we were like her and her sisters and spoke every couple of days without fail, even if all we did when we spoke was to piss each other off.

OP posts:

Kennyp · 29/10/2012 16:08

i would just send a card and see what she sends you (mercenary alert, mercenary alert)

i don't speak to my sister either and didn't send her anything at all when she gave birth (she was one of those people who was on the front page of the DM though "woman gives birth". very ground breaking and world news and obviously no-one has ever done it before or since, so it was a biggggggy)

CailinDana · 29/10/2012 16:10

Your situation sounds similar to mine. It's up to you what sort of relationship you have with your sister. It's not for your mother to dictate. My mother keeps trying to push me and my sister together, the latest effort being her decision to invite her along to my trip to London for my birthday (which I posted and received a lot of good advice about). I've decided once and for all that I'm not going to play into this fantasy my mother has of me and my sister getting on. We have tried, both of us, but we just don't see eye to eye. From the outside it is hard for people to understand sisters who have no relationship but it does happen, and often just not talking is the best way to go, when the alternative is to fight continuously and end up hating each other.

Original poster

notjustastateofmind · 29/10/2012 16:12

CailinDana Yes, it sounds very similar to me and my sister, and my mum!

We've reached an equilibrium where she has her life, her worries and her priorities and I have mine. I don't care about what goes on with her and she doesn't care about what goes on with me.

My mum can totally not understand this. Although she thinks I'm just a big weirdo anyway because my dream in life isn't to be the new Martha Stewart.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/10/2012 16:13

i personally would just send a card and possibly a gift voucher in the card. i would make a point of writing something like.

"congratulations,i hope you are all well please chose something for the baby from me all my love"

i dont think its horrible not to visit at all, the road goes both ways

Original poster

notjustastateofmind · 29/10/2012 16:15

Sockret Totally agree. This is my plan.

Thanks for all of your replies to this. xxx

OP posts:

CailinDana · 29/10/2012 16:15

FWIW my sister has yet to congratulate me on being pg with DC2. I mean, that's just a fecking text! But I'm in the wrong for not wanting her at my birthday. Because obviously I would want to celebrate my birthday with someone who couldn't give two hoots about my life. Sigh.

Original poster

notjustastateofmind · 29/10/2012 16:19

Cailin I never sent a congrats on being preggers text or card.

I'm never sure how to play this but I figure it's better to send a card when the baby actually arrives.

OP posts:

Everlong · 29/10/2012 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

osterleymama · 29/10/2012 16:21

I think it's not very nice for your niece or nephew if you don't go and see them. But i don't think it needs to be right away after the birth. My Dad and Uncle have a mutual lack of interest in each other and no animosity but no real relationship either, my sisters and I have a relationship with my uncle. We initiate most meetings with him though, as a kid I was confused about why he wasn't in our lives and I wondered if he didn't like me.

Unless you plan to be absent from your niece or nephews life I think you should visit briefly and bring a gift.

Original poster

notjustastateofmind · 29/10/2012 16:47

osterleymama I really can't see me having much involvement in the baby's life to be honest.

I'll send a card and get a gift for Xmas and birthdays but that's really just for 'appearances' and to not cause some massive family disagreement.

I don't think it's up to me to initiate a relationship with the baby really considering how me and my sister have been for the last few years.

I think its up to my sister if she wants me to have a relationship with her child and then she should instigate it. I think it's a bit hypocritical for me to start fake gushing over her baby when I actually have no interest in her or her family.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 29/10/2012 16:50

This is a situation I dread if my older sister ever has children. I think I would like to know my nieces/nephews but it would be so difficult to do that with my sister involved. I think overall it would probably be easier for me not to develop a relationship with them at all, as it would be very hard when things eventually went to shit again with my sister (as they always do) and I would have to stop seeing them.

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