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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so angry with my DH

17 replies

Autumn12 · 26/10/2012 06:08

I'm currently abroad for work. I text DH at about 8pm (uk time) last night to ask what he was up to and got the reply "Not much". So when I got back to my hotel an hour later I gave him a call, no answer, so I left a voicemail. I still hadn't heard back from him an hour later so jokingly text asking why he was being so secretive and I got a brief reply 20 mins later. It just said "I'm not".

I tried calling again but still no answer. So I sent another text to ask why he wasn't answering and I've still not heard back from him. He isn't the type to go to bed early so it wasn't that he was asleep. We also had a bit of news re our house purchase today, which it would have been reasonable to have wanted to discuss.

I think it's pretty obvious that he was out and pissed hence the not answering his phone , and the scant text replies. He responds to texts pretty quickly usually. But why not just bloody have said that!? My mind was in overdrive because of it and as a result I've had less than 5 hours sleep. I now have to work today until at least midnite .

OP posts:

Hyperballad · 26/10/2012 06:14

Thats a shitter

He isn't sounding like much of a husband right now.

I'd feel the same as you.

LtEveDallas · 26/10/2012 06:16

I think you are overreacting, sorry.

Yep, he could easily have been out in the piss, or just as easily engrossed in a film, or in the bath, or asleep on the sofa. Does it really matter?

Maybe he was watching footie in the pub with the boys. Why did you automatically think the worst?

I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH kept phoning and texting and to be fair, its not his fault you've only had 5 hours sleep really is it?

Hope your day gets better.

whoneedssleepanyway · 26/10/2012 06:16

I don't think it is unreasonable if he went out when you aren't there, is it just because he didn't answer your calls...YAB a bit U I think. Hope you aren't too tired at work today.

MortimersRaven · 26/10/2012 06:17

I also often work abroad. It's sometimes not convenient for me to call my DP and even then when I do, it's sometimes not convenient for him. It can be hard to co-ordinate. When I can't get hold of him I just leave it until I hear from him at a better time.

I know it's easy to read into things when he's being elusive but I'd be a bit annoyed if I was your DP, sounds like you were pestering him a bit.

Try not to read into it, being abroad for work can be lonely and it messes with your mind.

ZombTEE · 26/10/2012 06:18

I think you're overreacting. Perhaps he knew you'd disapprove or thought you would if you knew he was out with his mates.

Original poster

Autumn12 · 26/10/2012 06:21

I'm not pissed off that he went out, I'm pissed off that he didn't just say so. Then I would've known we weren't going to talk. But since he said he wasn't doing anything and I'm abroad working long hours and we have had this big news I thought I would call while I got the chance.

I probably won't have a chance to speak to him now until Saturday late afternoon.

OP posts:

Hyperballad · 26/10/2012 06:23

Well I don't know why these above posters would be fine about it!

Those short, uncaring replies on text with then no follow up phone call is not what I'd expect from someone who loves me.

LtEveDallas · 26/10/2012 06:31

Autumn love, I still think you are overreacting a bit. If you wanted to speak to him about the house purchase why didn't you just text something about it rather than just 'what you doing'? He's not psychic, he didn't know that's what you wanted to talk about did he?

FWIW I don't respond to texts/phonecalls when I am out with my friends as I think it's rude. Or even (because I've seen it happen) maybe his mates did the "uh oh is she checking on you" thing and he was embarrassed - total bull, but that's what some people are like.

Honestly, don't give it any more headspace, just try to get on with your day.

Original poster

Autumn12 · 26/10/2012 06:57

Typed a reply but lost it. So in brief;
I text to see what he was doing as I wouldn't have called if he was out. He knew I wanted to talk as I left him a voicemail . Wouldn't have taken him long to send a quick text to say if he was out and couldn't chat.
He is the type who usually texts a lot do its very unusual to have not heard back even if he was out.

I'm just annoyed because it wouldn't have taken much for him to send a quick text to let me know what he was doing. It would have set my mind at rest and I wouldn't have been up half the night worrying.

OP posts:

LtEveDallas · 26/10/2012 07:03

Ok Autumn, I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I think you are pretty determined to be pissed off, so I'll back off. You know, sometimes it's just better to let things go - if you spend all day pissed off this could turn into the mother of all rows - is that what you want?

Anyway, best of luck.

mumblechum1 · 26/10/2012 07:10

What LtEve said.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 26/10/2012 07:14

Yanbu, I would be pissed off too. It's rude, uncaring and a bit dodgy.

mumblechum1 · 26/10/2012 07:17

I guess it depends on what he's like as a person. If my dh did this I'd just think he was working/watching a film/cooking dinner and think nothing of it because he doesn't go out on the piss, so it wouldn't bother me. If he was more of an "out with the lads, get ratarsed, flirt with other women" type it would be different

ChasedByBees · 26/10/2012 07:19

In your shoes I might be mildly narked but that would be the extent of it. Being accused of being secretive because I didn't reply straight away to a voicemail would have annoyed me though.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2012 07:29

Have you any reason (previous form perhaps) for you to immediately jump to the word "secretive" because he didn't answer your text ?

he sounds like a bit of an ignorant prick...but "secretive" is something else entirely, isn't it ?

Original poster

Autumn12 · 26/10/2012 07:35

The secretive thing was because he was saying he wasn't doing anything but clearly was up to something that meant he couldn't answer his phone.
It's not usual for him he is a big texted usually.

He does have a history of getting too drunk and being an arse hence the worry. One time when he was out he ended up in an accident and went to hospital. I only found out in the early hours because when he hadn't come home I was trying to call him and one of the nurses answered his phone. So I do worry when he goes out of contact entirely.
He is also unfortunately the type to go for a drink and end up staying out all night without letting me know. I've been trying to get him to understand that if he would just text to let me know what he was doing I'd be ok. It's the not knowing that worries me and makes me feel disrespected.

Anyway thanks for the replies, I know you're right and I do need to get over it. Lack of sleep and being alone abroad plus a dose of PMT is probably making me over think it.

OP posts:

Hyperballad · 26/10/2012 15:58

Like I said earlier I wouldn't be happy with this and I wasn't. I had an ex that behaved exactly like this, I tried to get him to change but it was impossible.

I felt really insecure in the relationship because I never new where I stood with him, to me it isn't hard to have a good night out and arrive back home afterwards, but it was for him.

6 years on I am with someone who doesn't drink much and is totally reliable and I feel totally secure in the relationship.

Unlike most the other posters, I wouldn't stand for this having done so before.

I think you have a few things to sort out when you get home.

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