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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask what to say

28 replies

cheekydevil · 23/10/2012 12:48

Please help.
I am off to visit a friend in a minute who has only a week or so left to live. What should I say to her?
I am not good at this, I really want to see her but I don't want to say the wrong thing. I would like to think I could say something that would give her some comfort.
I have been worrying about this all day since made arrangements and I have come up with a big fat nothing
Sorry in this thread but needed a quick response.
Also are flowers appropriate?

OP posts:
BumpingFuglies · 23/10/2012 12:52

Tell her how much she means to you, be honest. Talk about happy times and let her talk to you if she can.

I think flowers are fine. Be yourself. So sorry for you and your friend.

Original poster
cheekydevil · 23/10/2012 12:55

Thank you bumping. Do you think it is ok to ask her if there is anything she would like me to sort for her or should I avoid the death issue. I am usually inclined to think that people need to talk about it but I don't want to make a mistake in case it is the last time I see her.
This is so hard as I am still grieving for my Father and the emotions are all getting mixed up

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 23/10/2012 12:57

I'm so sorry for you. What a very sad thread.
Please try not to worry though- there's no magic thing to say.
If this will be the final time you'll see her then you need to say goodbye and tell her how much you value her friendship. You could ask her if there's anything you can do for her now and/or after she's gone if you think that's appropriate when you see her.
Let us know how you get on.

Original poster
cheekydevil · 23/10/2012 13:01

Thank you choco I don't mean to be morose (sp?) but I am seriously panicking about it. I want my visit to make a difference to her in a good way. I better had get going I have procrastinated on this all day.
Don't think I can say goodbye yet, maybe just keep popping back every couple of days.

OP posts:
WileyRoadRunner · 23/10/2012 13:05

So sad.

I would ask if there is anything you can do/ could do. i think that is a lovely sentiment and definitely take flowers.

Perhaps you could write a letter as having a conversation about feelings can sometimes be too hard for both parties, that way you can say everything you wanted to.

jeee · 23/10/2012 13:11

Normally flowers are lovely - but if your friend is in hospital, the ward may not allow them.

If your friend is at the end of her life, all you need to do is be there. Just visiting shows that you care enormously.

Best wishes.

onetiredUTTERLYTERRIFYINGmummy · 23/10/2012 13:19

Yes to flowers.

Apologies if this sounds a bit cold but this is what I remember from my mum when she only had a couple of weeks left with cancer & people came to see her.

Nobody knows what to say, so reminisce about past times & events that were comical. Give her a laugh. When its time to say goodbye, do so & don't let it turn into a sob-athon. If you want to ask her about death then do it, don't leave thinking 'I wish I had said...'.

Remember that you have to do this once but she has to do it many times & its tiring. She will feel obliged to return the 'same amount' of grief as you so you don't feel under-valued & this is exhausting for her.

There are no wrong things to say, give yourself a break as there will be many people who will avoid going to see her as its too difficult/they don't know what to say. If you don't want a final meeting then yes, pop in over the next few days. That's good but remember to keep it short.

Lots of love to you & she is lucky to have you as a friend :)

jeee · 23/10/2012 13:25

At the end of my sister's life her friends came to visit her. We were all round her bed, laughing and remembering (though when the end came it was only family). My sister was too ill to join in, but she knew we were there, and she knew we loved her. Don't worry about what to say, please.

BumpingFuglies · 23/10/2012 13:27

Trust your judgement about what to ask her OP, you sound a lovely friend and I think you will instinctively know what to say when you see her. Be guided by her mood/awareness/pain.

Original poster
cheekydevil · 23/10/2012 16:24

Thank you so much for your replies. She is comfortable at home as she wanted to be at home. She is extremely frail and just wants to sleep all the time. I talked about nice memories to her but also things in the very near future that were nice things.
All her wishes have been noted and she appears very resigned.
I will visit again for just a few minutes as suggested as she is so tired.
Keep trying to think what I would want to hear. I think she will just want to know I will be there for her dd. Which I will obviously.
Thanks everyone Thanks

OP posts:
Merrin · 23/10/2012 17:47

I would start with the serious stuff and finish the visit with good humour to leave her feeling happier, not the other way around.

maddening · 23/10/2012 19:07

You could find pictures of shared memories and put then together in an annual to go through with her - something you could leave with her to look through? Did she keep diaries that you could get out for her to look through when she has quiet moments between sleeps

So sorry for you and your friend x

chocoluvva · 23/10/2012 20:39

Are you flexible about when you can pop round to see her? That would probably be helpful for her and her family. Does she like being touched/having her hair brushed?
Towards the end of her life my mum said that she enjoyed people being in with her and hearing them chatting to each other when she was mostly too tired to speak.
Please don't be upset if you don't manage to have a deep and meaningful final conversation - like in films - as she is so tired as you've said.
You sound like a very thoughtful friend. I really feel for you and her DD.

ShiftyFades · 23/10/2012 20:46

Didn't want to not post on this. What a tough thing for you all Sad

I can't offer anything else but I will be thinking of you and your friend (and her DD).

((hugs))

Original poster
cheekydevil · 28/10/2012 18:32

My friend has just passed peacefully. Thank you to all that tried to help Thanks

OP posts:
Euphemiaaaarrrrgggghhhh · 28/10/2012 18:40

So sorry, Cheeky. Sad

mockeveryweek · 28/10/2012 18:46

So sorry cheeky. I've been where you are. Be kind to yourself x

Original poster
cheekydevil · 28/10/2012 18:46

Thank you, so sad

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 28/10/2012 18:49

So sorry.

What a touching but sad thread. Take care x

lucyellenmum · 28/10/2012 18:49

cheeky, you are a wonderful friend to be there for her, it will have meant so so much to her xxx so sorry for your loss

Portofino · 28/10/2012 18:52

Oh cheeky - sorry to hear this. Sad You sound like a wonderful friend.

StuntGirl · 28/10/2012 19:05

I was crying at this before I even got to todays post. So sad :(

You sound like a lovely friend, your friend was lucky to have you. I hope you're doing ok devil xx

mutny · 28/10/2012 19:13

I am so sorry. So so sorry.

I don't know what else to say. Hugs to you.

Original poster
cheekydevil · 28/10/2012 19:40

Thank you again she is going to be a loss to my world.

OP posts:
IneedAgoldenNickname · 28/10/2012 21:20

I am so sorry to hear of your loss x