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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to cry, just a little bit?

27 replies

Lougle · 20/10/2012 15:39

My DD is almost 7. She was born 6 weeks after a girl, x. DD has SN, she goes to Special School and has global needs, but she is classed as having 'moderate learning difficulties.'

Now, obvoiusly, I have watched her grow very differently from x. So, it shouldn't be too surprising that they are at different 'life-stages.' But as DD's needs have made life a bit tricky, we don't tend to see too many 'normal' children of her age. I guess we are in a little 'bubble' a bit, and although I see DD2 and DD3 developing 'typically', I probably blank it all out a bit. Add to that, the school she attends is fantastic. They are so positive about all the children in their care (DD is one of the more able children there) that it can make their SN seem less significant than it is.

So, in 6 weeks, DD1 will be 7. I have just jumped up and down with joy that she did some colouring, and that the small triangle and rectangle she coloured in mostly had the colour inside the shape.

Then, I've seen on Facebook, a beautiful, detailed picture that X got as a present, which she has coloured in impeccably.

WIBU to have a little sob before carrying on as normal?

OP posts:

deleted203 · 20/10/2012 15:43

No, it wouldn't. You love your DD, but you can still be a little sad for the life she might have had, the life that might have been easier.

And then you can carry on as normal knowing that she is the light of your life and that she is happy and loved and is in a fantastic school that is helping her achieve the utmost that she can.

Ithinkitsjustme · 20/10/2012 15:43

No, YANBU to get upset at times, but you seem to be concentrating on your DD's achievements which as you well know are just as, if not more, important than this other girls.

GrimAndHumourless · 20/10/2012 15:45

oh love

it's hard, to see the steps that other children take, striding away further

have a cup of tea, a proper cry, a fuck off great block of dairy milk if you can and then shoulders back and march on

sausageandorangepickle · 20/10/2012 15:46

of course YANBU, I work with children with SLD and there was great excitement last week because one of our 16 yr olds did some colouring (and very little of it was in the lines).

You obviously love your DD and are not feeling jealousy, just have had this difference pointed out to you via the curse of FB.

CailinDana · 20/10/2012 15:47

Of course not. I can totally understand your feelings, and when I was a SN teacher all the parents confided in me at some point that they felt the same. There will always be these small reminders throughout your DD's life that her path will be different than that of most of her peers. But she is a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful mum who is so proud of her, and a lot of children SN, or no SN never experience that joy and comfort. That is something that will always be a massive plus in her life, and nothing can take it away from her.

Have a big hug ((()))

Pancakeflipper · 20/10/2012 15:47

No. Some days it just hits you right in the heart and you do a mini bit of grieving for the child you thought you were going to have. Doesn't mean you don't love your daughter. Doesn't belittle any of her amazing achievements - it just sometimes makes you realise what battles you fight and how much harder you have to try.

Sirzy · 20/10/2012 15:47

Sowornout has just said what I was thinking better than I could have worded it.

Original poster

Lougle · 20/10/2012 15:51

I don't wish her to be different - she's so amazing as she is. But it hurts. All these children she was born alongside, growing up. Her sisters, overtaking her.

OP posts:

Lilicat1013 · 20/10/2012 16:25

Firstly congratulations on your daughter's colouring, that is great.

I know what it is like, my son is autistic and I have several friends who have children born around the same time as him. They just seem so much further ahead, so much older than he is. It can be hard to read their updates at times thinking he should be doing those things.

I just keep trying to remember he is on his own path and celebrating his own achievements and try not to dwell on what other children are doing.

It is hard though and I feel just the same as you some days.

Original poster

Lougle · 20/10/2012 16:27

Thank you

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 20/10/2012 16:33

Comparisons can be tough and you really can't help it. Luckily we don't get to make patchwork DC's out of what we think are all the best bits of other people's DC's because frankly we'd probably make a shit job of it and end up with nightmarish children.

You can only celebrate all that is lovely about your own DC's and feeling sad that you cannot make things perfect for them is part and parcel of the job of being a parent.

I would like to be able to take away DS's difficulties but that would make him not DS anymore and I can't really wish for that. What I want is for him to be exactly as he is but without the difficult bits. Hey ho - thats never going to happen but doesn't stop me wishing I could make it so every now and again.

I hope you are back to "jumping up and down with joy" soon.

youarewinning · 20/10/2012 16:46

Ah Lougle YANBU. I have chatted to you before (diff user name) as I work in SLD/PMLD school not far from you!

Your DD is doing the best she can, acheiving her potential and your ability to see that is what helps her acheive IMO. However your bound to still grieve for the life you thought she'd have every now and again - you are only human afterall.

IIRC correctly the colouring is an amazing feat for your DD due to her physical disabilities - therefore it may not be Monet standard (which I doubt the other girls is!) but on comparison it is probably better.

We had a luffly moment at work the other day when after a 13yo boy had headbutted me and been calmed he used symbols to explain he had been sad because he wanted a drink. The fact he recognised his anger as a feeling and could explain why WAS an acheivement. Sometimes you just have the ignore the other bits.

Have some and a

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 20/10/2012 16:53

Lougle - YANBU, not one little bit. It's bloody hard & unfair and sometimes a damn good cry is in order!!

Well done to DD though - that's brilliant :)

Original poster

Lougle · 20/10/2012 17:01

wow youarewinning! That's an achievement indeed.

DD learned to whistle today! I had to mute the telly to hear her, but she definitely had a sound coming out from between her lips.

OP posts:

peeriebear · 20/10/2012 17:18

My DSis has Down's and suspected Asperger's and will be 14 next week. I think of my friend's DD born 11 months later, who is very popular, super fashionable and a typical teen (instagram duckface photos on fb, artfully dishevelled tousled hair etc). I go to my mum's and DSis is watching Peppa Pig or The Wiggles on DVD in her fluffy pyjamas. It is hard when you compare.

peeriebear · 20/10/2012 17:19

11 months earlier that should be...

youarewinning · 20/10/2012 21:25

Go Lougles whistling DD. I still can't whistle and I'm 32!

Get one DD singing and another on a drum and you can make a band!!

Sounds like your DD's had a great day all round.

Strongecoffeeismydrug · 20/10/2012 21:43

Sometimes it does hit you that others are progressing,my DS has severe learning difficulties and profound autism.
My little niece ( 6 years younger) has over taken him in every aspect of development and I find it painful,however my sister in law is amazing and celebrates everything my son progresses on with great gusto.
I'm slowly learning to see his achievements as something to celebrate and his differences as exactly that differences

marriedinwhite · 20/10/2012 21:46

Oh love. YANBU - course not.

Original poster

Lougle · 20/10/2012 23:03

Thank you all, it means a lot. DD1 is just glowing that she can make a sound between her lips that approaches whistling

OP posts:

deleted203 · 20/10/2012 23:09

Hope this will cheer you up, then Lougle. My DS is 7 and a very bright little boy, with absolutely normal development. His colouring is fabulous - but he can't whistle. Not a sound. He would LOVE to be able to do that! Congratulations to your lovely DD.

Original poster

Lougle · 20/10/2012 23:47

Ahh thank you, it does! I may be overstating the whistling ever so slightly. It is a sound, but simply the sound of air rushing through her lips

OP posts:

lisad123 · 20/10/2012 23:49

Op. some days it just hits you like train that life isn't what you planned, and that your LO life is always going to be that much harder than every other child's

threesocksonathreeleggedwitch · 20/10/2012 23:52

yanbu have been there.

but don't cry, look at your lovely child who has managed to do so much.
I think it is wonderful that she did some colouring, and I bet you were over the moon.
it does hurt though, really hurts.

NineteenForever · 21/10/2012 19:29

Not unreasonable in the slightest. Another mum of a child with SN- Autism, here. I remember how all my DS's contemporaries got their little uniforms and went off to pre school....and DS still at playgroup because he couldnt potty train. I have a DD too, 3 yrs his junior and yes, you do notice how the NT child does things the SN Child didnt/doesnt/ cant.

I remember bursting into tears one day whilst putting things in the airing cupboard- it just struck me that although he is v v handsome (proper jersey cow eyelashes- runs in the family!), he was (I felt) unlikely to have girlfriends.

My friends kids are the same age, also going off to secondary last month but in such different circumstances. We too, have a smashing school (Big up to the SN teachers!) and that I think has meant this is a lighted tunnel rather than a dark one. Feel better, sending a hug.

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