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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm struggling to cope with this situation :-(

25 replies

Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 19:30

Hi,

My hubby is at his ex wifes house, he has 3 children with her.

The youngest lives with us and the 2 eldest live with her.

The problem is that she has long term severe mental health problems and she is in a relationship with an alcoholic who the kids hate.

Things have reached a head today and he is up there trying to "sort things out".

There is a 10 year back story to go with this but I'm exhausted with stress and worry. I could cry.

Any input would be valued right now. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 19:31

He has just text me to say he is on his way and the girls are with him, I'm worried and relieved at the same time. :-(

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 17/10/2012 19:32

It sounds exhausting and worrying.

What kind of resolution ishe seeking? Does he want all three children to come and live with you? How are you feeling about that idea?

Original poster
Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 19:32

I will be back shortly......

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 19:33

I'm scared.... that's 6 kids in total, they are lovely but we have no where to put them.

I'm also scared of how to deal with this ex....this has gone on for too long, I'm not coping. x

OP posts:
OrangeLily · 17/10/2012 19:35

Take a deep breath and get through the next 24 hours. Keep the kid's safe for now.

WelshMaenad · 17/10/2012 19:37

I don't blame you for being scared. Still, their safety is paramount and you found like a lovely caring stepmum, I'm sure you will work things out.

What's your housing situation, do you buy or rent? Can you apply to be rehoused?

I think you need some legal advice from a family law solicitor, and maybe also a benefit check, if the girls will be living with you full time you should obviously be claiming any related benefits, not the mother.

AgentZigzag · 17/10/2012 19:39

Like orange says, just concentrate on the next 24 hours.

They'll fit in somewhere, better to have overcrowding than in a difficult situation.

You and your DH care about them, you will get through this and you are coping Smile

CaliforniaLeaving · 17/10/2012 19:46

Make it a fun camp out with sleeping bags on the floors. Good for you being a caring step Mum and stepping up to help the kids stay safe.

alcibiades · 17/10/2012 20:32

This sounds a really horrible situation, especially as it's been going on for ten years. It's no wonder that you're feeling completely stressed out by it all. But just for tonight, a safe place for the girls is the most important thing for them. And by the sounds of it, just some blankets and pillow on the floor at your home is infinitely better than remaining with their "mother".

As for tomorrow and onwards - are SS already involved? If so, push them to provide support. If not, now's the time to involve them, and then push them to provide support. You should not have to be dealing with all of this on your own.

If you're worried about the response from this "mother", then getting the police involved as well could give you some valuable back-up.

But if you/DH have already gone down those routes of SS/police/courts over the last ten years, and still haven't get the support you need, then maybe your MP - I think other MNetters can think of other sources.

Yes, those girls do need to be in a safe place and preferably with you and your DH, but not at the expense of your own wellbeing.

CupsofTeaAndHandfulsOfCake · 17/10/2012 20:45

Haven't got any advice just had to say that you sound amazing. And really caring. The children are lucky to have you.

justmyview · 17/10/2012 20:52

Your OH sounds like a keeper, he sounds like he's doing his best to meet the children's needs. It may not be easy but well done for trying to do the right thing

SmellyFartado · 17/10/2012 21:01

Like CupsofTea said, you sound like an amazing lady.

My friend took on children from her partners previous relationship - it wasn't easy but they worked out a solution legally as well as practically. I think that's where you may need to think about going tbh over the next few days in terms of sorting this out for the children, yourselves as well as the ex.

FWIW, my friends step children have turned into wonderful, confident, assured individuals through the love and patience of my friend and her partner. The ex wife gets the children on agreed weekends.

Take it a day at a time

annielouisa · 17/10/2012 21:15

I know you feel really panicky at the moment and think you will not cope but we mum's do cope. I took on my OH 4 DC and had two of my own. We made it through all kinds of traumas and now are blessed we a sea of wonderful GDC and confident adult DC who overcome having either a DF or a DM Who always put their own needs before the DC.

You will be the stability for a while but eventually you will get there and share such happy memories that will be so precious.

izzywizzyisbizzy · 17/10/2012 21:19

I have a friend, 2 sets of bunk beds in 1 room, each set curtained on bottom, each with own games console and wall mounted TV and headphones.

It is hard but it can work xx

izzywizzyisbizzy · 17/10/2012 21:20

where did I see cheap bunk beds, range I think, with matresses

Original poster
Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 21:28

Hi,

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude, thank you all so much!

The children are here, they are sleeping on the sofas, they were so sad. :-(

The girls gave their mum an ultimatum, him or us... she says she needs 24hours to think about it! The girls are gutted.

Hubby says the ex looks ill again, even if she kicks him out should the kids go back or stay with us?

I'm sorry but I don't trust her to make the right choices but the girls are desperate to believe her.

I'm so tired. We all are. xx

OP posts:
GhostofMammaTJ · 17/10/2012 21:31

I think that if they go back you and your DH would spend your lives worrying about them. It will be difficult but although it will be hard, at least you will know they are safe and cared for if they are with you. Good luck Thanks

Original poster
Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 21:31

The social services have been useless, one minute telling us to keep the girls and the next giving her a social worker to get them back again....

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 21:32

That's what I think Ghost, it's what I've always thought, they have lived with us for most of the last 5 years but the girls love their mum and always go back..or SS make us send them back. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubblegum78 · 17/10/2012 21:33

I'm going to bed ladies but I will be back tomorrow at 6pm.

Thank you all SO much. xx

OP posts:
izzywizzyisbizzy · 17/10/2012 21:35

bubble in the main thats the way it is with SCs, in the end they will always chose their mum, it is down to whether you are prepared to be their "safe haven" in the bits inbetween.

AgentZigzag · 17/10/2012 21:37

Cross the bridge worrying about what's going to happen when/if it does, at least they're all safe there with you, so you don't need to be stressed about them at this minute.

Poor mites.

Be kind on yourself

Borntobeamum · 17/10/2012 21:37

I know you feel stressed, but imagine how the children are feeling.
This HAS to be about them.
You are an adult, and must rise to the occasion. It seems as if you will do what's right.
Keep strong, your family needs you x x

AmberLeaf · 17/10/2012 21:43

What a hard situation for all concerned.

I don't really have any advice/experience to offer, but just wanted to say you sound lovely.

WelshMoth · 17/10/2012 21:44

bubble you sound exhausted by it all, but underneath that, you sound an incredibly loving woman. As izzy said, the children will always want to believe their Mum, but at least they will always know that you are that stability in their lives, even when their own Mum lets them down. Sad

Poor mites - how worthless their Mum must have made them feel, to even have to consider their ultimatum. Thank God they have you, even if you are knackered.

As everyone else said, one day at a time. Hope you're all resting.

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