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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my partner to be involved with dd bedtime routine?

25 replies

minimouse88 · 10/10/2012 19:57

Tonight when I said that it was bedtime for our dd he announced that he was going to sit down and have his dinner while I put her to bed (dinner that I cooked and put aside for him earlier this eve). When I objected and said I wanted him to help, he said that he doesn't need to be involved and that he's been at work all day!!!!

I am a sahm and would just appreciate a hand with the end of day/bedtime routine. He said I am like a dictator for insisting he's involved!

After putting her down I then had to go to the shops to get some food essentials for tomorrow. I can't take her out with me as she has a viral/ear infection at present.

I don't think he's being very fair and just feel fed up.

OP posts:

Loobylou222 · 10/10/2012 20:02

I know EXACTLY how you feel! Oh comes in at 7, fair enough he left at 8 this morning, but moaned straight away because I didn't open the door and he had bags in his hand, I was giving dd her bedtime bottle! Then says can you keep her up because I want to play with her, no I bloody can't! Lol.

Your partner should definately help, we work hard too.

pictish · 10/10/2012 20:06

We take turns alternate nights. Works for us!

Shakey1500 · 10/10/2012 20:08

We did alternate nights too. I used to LOVE bathtime/bedtime when it was DH's turn. Bliss.

Would that work?

Nagoo · 10/10/2012 20:11

does he not want to see her? He's been out all day :( Bedtime is a nice bit IMO.

ceeveebee · 10/10/2012 20:13

Unless you have more than one DC it's a one person job, why not take it in turns?

HecateLarpo · 10/10/2012 20:14

What did you want him to help with?

Perhaps he thinks that since putting a child to bed is not a two person job, you don't actually need help. What if you said what you actually want him to be involved with and why. eg, that she would love him to read a story, that it's nice for him to spend that time with her, etc etc. He might not be as ready to dismiss that as easily as if you say that you need 'help'.

I know this could come across as treating him like an idiot, because he should know that when you say you want 'help', you don't actually mean you need help with the task as it is not manageable for one person but perhaps you do need to spell it out.

VerySmallSqueak · 10/10/2012 20:14

I mainly do bedtime - but it's important he does it sometimes or else it's harder for all of you if he has to do it.
Can he do it on his days off ?- he might even find he likes it.

PickledFanjoCat · 10/10/2012 20:18

On the days I don't work dp baths and puts the baby to bed, I cook, he tidies.

I have had to have many a stern word to get to this point.

Maybe agree a specific job as "his" that will really help you out.

SheppySheepdog · 10/10/2012 20:21

Sympathy. The only time DH will do bedtime is if I get tied up with dinner/cleaning/unexpected visitors etc and it's too late to avoid, the children are whingey and overtired and he can't possibly get out of it. Understandably I don't like to let this happen too often so it's almost never.

He is self employed and can finish work at any time he wants whereas my working varying shifts of which the hours are quite strict and while I always manage to finish in time to collect dc from nursery, cook etc, he often times his arrival home to exactly thirty minutes after the children are in bed, the dishes clear etc which infuriates me. I would love to coincidentally arrive home at 8pm to angelic, sleeping children., a clean house and a cooked dinner. T'isn't fair..

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 10/10/2012 20:23

He's been at work all day what does he think you've been doing?!

Mrsjay · 10/10/2012 20:23

Im not sure what you want help with I am not trying to be rude but she is 1 little girl could you do it alternate nights or when he isn't working too late I hope you sort it and he joins in some nights but if he is just in from work then Id not mind doing while he eats , Id say the same if it was mum just in from work I am not putting him on the he is a man pedestal

redskyatnight · 10/10/2012 20:25

What is involved in bedtime? If a fairly lengthy procedure I can see that he might want his dinner first (I am a nightmare if I haven't eaten for a while). If not a lengthy process perhaps you might have been better to suggest that he did bedtime solo while you popped out for the shopping (or even that he did the shopping, I guess you would feel less aggreived if he had).

WipsGlitter · 10/10/2012 20:25

It's a one person job. Take it in turns.

Loobylou222 · 10/10/2012 20:33

Maybe he isn't really sure what to do, my oh doesn't really have a clue when it comes to dd, he's never had any experience with babies/children. I have started to go through things step by step with him a couple of times and then get him to do it on his own, he moans about it but I just remind him that I have been doing it all day and deserve a break too.

Mrsjay · 10/10/2012 20:36

OP if her dad does nothing to help at all I would be pissed off you have had a hard day too is there any way you could keep her up a little later to spend time with her dad when he is working late ?

Mrsjay · 10/10/2012 20:37

I would have sent him shopping you shouldn't have to do it all on your own , sorry posting multiple replies my DD is distracting me and i am pressing post too soon ,

Loobylou222 · 10/10/2012 20:42

Sorry to sound thick, what does OP mean?

Mrsjay · 10/10/2012 20:43

Original poster looby

Loobylou222 · 10/10/2012 21:08

Oh ok thank you x

GhostofMammaTJ · 10/10/2012 21:30

It isn't a two person job. Well, my DP manages it alone every night, and that is with two DC.

I work three nights a week and he does the morning and evening routine with them. When I am home and try to help I get told off for interfering, so don't bother.

Loobylou222 · 10/10/2012 21:32

It's great if by have a balance but I certainly dnt and doesn't sound like op Does either so it doesn't hurt for oh to do things sometimes.

Original poster

minimouse88 · 10/10/2012 22:06

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I've taken it all on board and will try to formulate a new plan for bedtimes which includes us doing it on alternate nights.....when he's home early enough that is of course. He just seems to hate bathing her, and it's always such a struggle to get him to do it. Just fed up with asking and constantly handling objections. Makes it all so much harder! Thanks girls x

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 10/10/2012 23:35

Childcare outside work hours should be shared 50:50 surely? Whether by working together or by taking turns. Otherwise you work 24 hours a day while he works 10 or whatever.

Plus I'm surprised he doesn't want to spend time with his child. I'm dying to see dd after a day at work. The rule in our house is that the parent who's been working does bedtime while the other does the washing up, laundry, feed the animals and a general tidy up.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 10/10/2012 23:47

It may not be a '2 person' job but sometes when you've spent all day alone with a child/ren you would like some company if nothing else.

My DH helps with the bedtime routine most nights. Dcs are 7+5, it is most definately not a '2 person' job but I like having him there while i read boring arse stories helping me. And the dcs are his step children. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a father to be involved at all!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2012 23:53

DH doesn't like to bath DD so we compromise. I bath her and he gets her PJs on and does story and bottle. If someone is tired/sick/annoyed, the other person will take a shift.

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