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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed about this....

22 replies

grumpybutgorgeous · 09/10/2012 16:26

I have been with my bf for 7 months.We had a family event at the weekend where there was a photographer (another member of family). The photographer has put the photos on fb and tagged everyone. My bf has untagged all the pictures of him, me and his little boy. I was really angry and asked him about it and he said he doesn't 'do' facebook and doesnt like his personal life advertised on there. I was upset that after 7 months of being together, he refuses to haave photos of us on his page or change his relationship status to in a relationship. Though he does check-in and tag me and i do status updates and tag him and he has no issue with that!
He eventually said it was because he has a crazy ex gf that will go mad if she finds out about us!! AIBU to think he is putting my feelings behind hers?? They split up early this year, surely he can't pretend forever that he hasn't found someone else?
I'm not sure how this will be resolved. He will refuse to put pics up of us and I'm not sure I can just accept that I'm being hidden forever! We are meeting tonight to discuss it. Any ideas on how this can be resolved?

OP posts:

sookiesookie · 09/10/2012 16:29

I personally think its unreasonable to put a load of photos on fb and tag everyone and their kids without asking. I would be pissed off.

Yanbu to be annoyed its about an ex gf. I think there is more to it. By ex dies he mea. His sons mother?

Yabu to be annoyed about relationship status and tagging though.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 09/10/2012 16:30

It sounds like he is doing this to protect you from his ex.
Is it such a big deal to not broadcast everything on facebook? If he is happy to be tagged with you he isn't denying the relationship all together, just keeping it an the downlow a bit.

How is your relationship otherwise?

scurryfunge · 09/10/2012 16:31

Your relationship shouldn't be defined by Facebook tags. If he doesn't want photos everywhere then maybe you will have to accept that. Maybe he is genuinely concerned about the ex's reaction and doesn't want any harassment. Does he keep you a secret in real life? If so then that is when I would worry.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/10/2012 16:32

YABU - if he doesnt want pics of him and his DS plastered all over fb it's up to him isn't it....esp if there are issues over his ex partner.

7 months is no time at all, for all you know she may still be really upset over it.

How to resolve it?? Yes - dont put anymore pics on fb without asking him first!

LFCisTarkaDahl · 09/10/2012 16:32

Don't tag anyone without asking, no matter what their relationship to you. It's bad manners.

One of my friends tried to put my name on Facebook photos, it was incredibly irritating as I don't have facebook and I don't want my image in the public domain.

WaitingForMe · 09/10/2012 16:33

You're being a bit unreasonable if she's the mother of his child. DH and I got together about 8 months after he left his ex wife and it was about 7 months later that he changed his status. He waited until he heard on the grapevine that she was seeing someone. I think it's polite to be a little sensitive.

Oh and "crazy ex" is a huge red flag in my opinion. There seems to be a big correlation between crazy ex's and men who should be avoided.

HeadfirstForHalos · 09/10/2012 16:38

Could the start of his relationship with you have overlapped with the end of the one with his ex?

Original poster

grumpybutgorgeous · 09/10/2012 17:35

It wasn't me that put the photo on there and tagged him. I have always respected his decision and kept our photos for just between us. It was the photographer that put them on and tagged them.
She is not the mother of his child. She is an ex gf, they were together on/off for about 3 years before we got together.
Our relationship is fine other than that (I think!)

OP posts:

Fairylea · 09/10/2012 17:46

Yanbu.

I would be worried he still had feelings forhis ex to be honest.

Sure some people don't do fb. But if he's on it and checking it regularly then it doesn't sound like this is the case to me.

I think relationship statuses etc on fb are important. To me they are a public declaration of "yes we are together".

mynewpassion · 09/10/2012 17:54

What's more important Facebook or your real life relationship?

fedupofnamechanging · 09/10/2012 17:56

Yanbu. If you both 'do' facebook then he ought to acknowledge you publicly if you are in a relationship.

cheekydevil · 09/10/2012 17:58

I think I completely understand him not wanting to be tagged but him not declaring your relationship etc is utter twaddle. How would she see unless he is still a friend of hers on fb and more likely in RL too?
If it smells like pork there's a pig involved.

Fairylea · 09/10/2012 18:04

Get him to block the ex. Job done.

And if he won't.... worry.

Original poster

grumpybutgorgeous · 09/10/2012 18:06

She isn't on fb! He's worried it'll somehow get back to her!

OP posts:

halloweeneyqueeney · 09/10/2012 18:07

I would have un-tagged in that case too

Fairylea · 09/10/2012 18:09

Hmmm. I really think he has feelings for her ... why would you care so much what an ex thinks !?

Surely if he has a new relationship thats the final nail in the coffin as it were. Surely that would be a good thing... unless he's keeping his options open ?

doinmummy · 09/10/2012 18:11

Would you put posters of your BF on lamp posts around town without asking ? I think it's the same as tagging people on face book.

Has he kept ypu a secret from his friends/family? If he hasn't then I would think he just doesn't want aggro from mad ex.

Original poster

grumpybutgorgeous · 09/10/2012 18:14

No he hasn't kept me a secret from his friends and family. I've met them all and am friends with some of them on fb!!

OP posts:

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 09/10/2012 18:18

My DH who I have been with for over 3 years, and he had split up with his x 6 months previously to us meeting, has not told his xgf that we are married (in feb this year) and expecting a baby (in dec this year).

Because she would go ape shit, neither of us are likely to see her and it really doesn't matter.

I think YABU if you need public validation of your relationship on fb.

Kalisi · 09/10/2012 18:29

Did he untag all the pics or just the ones where you are together? As a sad pathetic regular facebook user I can also see why you would be a bit miffed by his activity. He should have changed his relationship status there is no good reason for him not to and you need to address this ex issue straight away as her feelings are completely irrelevant. Totally agree with what waitingforme said aswell though. Anyone who tells their current partner they have a "crazy ex" just as anyone who's had a " boss that hates me" in a job interview is best watched very carefully!

Fairylea · 09/10/2012 18:33

I had a boyfriend of 6 months who would tag me in things and post on my wall and even put kisses on posts to me etc... but he would never change his relationship status. I found it hurtful.

When he got with someone else a bit afterwards he changed his relationship status pretty sharpish .

So turns out it was just me. Didn't want to be associated with me. Just shag me.

(Bitter nooooo).

doinmummy · 09/10/2012 18:34

I have been divorced from my 'mad ex ' for 13 years and still try not to mention my OH to him.It just makes life easier.

It doesn't sound as if anything fishy is going on with his ex. Why do people get so het up about what is/isn't put on FB?

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