Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Planning a pregnancy when you know you have a big commitment coming up?

21 replies

3monkeys3 · 04/10/2012 09:52

Now, I want to emphasis that in all likelihood I will not do this for various reasons as well as the main one stipulated in the post, but I was just wondering what people thought about it. I have always had the attitude that your family is a long term thing and you shouldn't plan it around anyone else, but my sister is getting married next year, smack bang in the middle of where I would ideally plan to have our next baby, and I think I have decided that I can't be pregnant on the run up or during her wedding and that having a small baby would also be unfair. We already have 3dc and a 4th is still highly hypothetical - I almost feel that waiting until after my sister's wedding would rule it out as my other 3 have small gaps between them (3 under 3, currently a much less scary sounding 3 under 5) and this would mean a gap of at least 3 years and the baby being a bit tagged on the end - not the family dynamic we had planned. As I said, all very hypothetical anyway and by no means would be definitely be having a 4th anyway, but it has put a bit of a spanner in the works of the decision making process! Just interested to hear other people's thoughts and what they would do.

OP posts:

Original poster

3monkeys3 · 04/10/2012 09:53

Oooops - I am chief bridesmaid! Kind of an important fact that I missed out!

OP posts:

thebody · 04/10/2012 09:57

We had a 10 year gap between our first 2 and our last 2..( 16 months between them) All sorts of crap is spouted about age gaps, if you want a baby then go for it.

I suspect though that this flimsy excuse, and it is,then not sure you are really wanting number 4 enough yet. If at all.

MrsCarriePooter · 04/10/2012 09:57

I wouldn't not try for a baby I wanted because of one person's day, chief bridesmaid or not.

Alligatorpie · 04/10/2012 10:00

I wouldn't let a siblings wedding put me off, if I really wanted to have another baby. My dd's are six and a half years apart.

MsVestibule · 04/10/2012 10:00

Under your circumstances, you're right - a tiny baby or you being heavily pregnant would (sort of unnecessarily) throw a spanner in the works. If you'd been TTC your first child for a while, completely different matter and any family member should understand.

wheresmespecs · 04/10/2012 10:01

As someone who struggled to get pregnant, and it took a while.... I would say not to worry about very specific timing.

It really depends how much you want another baby. If your sister is liable to get angry or upset with you if a pregnancy affects how you take part in her wedding - well, surely that's not very likely, is it? And wouldn't you feel a bit resentful if your sister's wedding meant you never had the 4th baby, or had one much later than you would have wanted?

If you tripped over and broke your leg a month before the wedding, plans would have to change. of course there is a difference between an accident and a planned pregnancy! but my feeling is that people will make changes and cope.

PennyDead · 04/10/2012 10:02

It's one (albeit important) day being put in front of the (potential) rest of your whole family's life. If you want it, go for it. I think you'll regret it years down the line if you don't.

Original poster

3monkeys3 · 04/10/2012 10:06

thebody I do want a 4th, but we have a lot to consider aside from the above - spd pregnancies, already had 3 sections, house on the small side and then things to do with family dynamic like making sure they all get the attention they need and being able to do things all together, rather than one of us sitting holding the baby forever more. I torment myself over it!

OP posts:

Ephiny · 04/10/2012 10:07

Why can't you be pregnant during/before her wedding? If it was the other way round, would you expect your sister to delay trying for a wanted child just in case...what?

I wouldn't even factor the wedding into your decision-making process. If you don't deep down want another child, that is reason enough in itself, you don't need an excuse.

Original poster

3monkeys3 · 04/10/2012 10:10

ephiny I am not a terribly happy pregnant lady - I get spd, but it also just doesn't seem to suit me very much. I would also worry about something happening - for example, a miscarriage if I was early on, and this casting a shadow over my sister's day. I'd have to try and plan it for the 'nice' stage and we all know that ttc doesn't work like that!

OP posts:

kittyk1 · 04/10/2012 10:11

I had my DD2 3 months before my sister got married, I was chief bridesmaid. We had the hen a month or so before I gave birth as I organised it and wanted to come. My sister was fine with it! Not the most fun thing to be pregnant on the hen and have a tiny baby at a wedding but absolutely doable and my sister wasn't bothered in the slightest. No point in putting it off if it is something you want although when we were TTC I would have stopped for a couple of months to avoid having the baby around the wedding and potentially missing the day.

RillaBlythe · 04/10/2012 10:13

A wedding day wouldn't put me off.

We had a bigger gap than we would have initially thought so that a second child arrived after a sabbatical, exams & house move.

Paiviaso · 04/10/2012 10:16

I think you're crazy. Who plans their children around someone else's party?

Ephiny · 04/10/2012 10:19

I see what you mean, but while it's your sister's special day, everyone else's life has to go on, and there are always things that can happen (accidents, illness etc).

It sounds like you have a lot to consider, personally I'd leave the wedding out of it for now, and try to decide what's right for you and your family (easier said than done, I know! :))

Original poster

3monkeys3 · 04/10/2012 10:46

The thing is, I have always thought that I would never let something like this get in the way of my family planning, but now I am facing it I am finding that I feel a bit differently. I think my sister would be ok about it, but I have had a lot of attention over the last few years (married 2006 and then babies in 2008, 2009 and 2011) and I think she deserves the spotlight this year. Also, from a more selfish point of view, I want to enjoy the hen do and wedding and look nice in the photographs - I realise this is a bit sad and superficial but having been pregnant for a lot of the last few years, I look pretty horrendous in quite a lot of wedding photos and this time I'm in the wedding party so can't escape. I suppose I am also hoping that my sister will start her family quite soon after getting married and that at least one of my children will be close in age to one of hers. Another factor is physically coping on the day - too early and I'll feel sick and tired, too late and I'll be struggling with SPD and exhaustion - as I said above, I could try and plan it for the 'nice' stage (which I guess is between around 16 and 24 weeks?), but I don't believe that ttc and precision planning really go hand in hand and you can guarantee that if I attempt that I won't pull it off!

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 04/10/2012 11:16

So the day before your sister is due to get married, she discovers that her husband to be has been sleeping with milkman, and the wedding is off, and you .........................,

you wait and then in eighteen years time you have another two years of a stroppy teen going through A levels, rather than a nice quite house to pack in as you and your husband get ready to go on holiday,

you have problem TTC, and you forgo having another child,

suddenly a parent develops a serious illness , your husband and you are run ragged lending support,

so many variables on life, some of which might really stop your plans,

I very much doubt a baby will interfere with a wedding, a wedding is one day, and a baby is a part of your family forever,

I couldn't imagine finding a sibling extending their family an inconvenience to my nuptials, I would be thrilled for them.

If the time is right for you and your family, do what is right for you.

lyndie · 04/10/2012 11:54

Hi, my DSis announced her wedding with 18 months notice - we knew we wanted DC3 and started trying. I had DD 5 months before the wedding (she was early) and when it came to the hen weekend my husband came with us to babysit.

On the day of the wedding we got a babysitter who texted me when DD needed fed so I was nearby but still managed to be a bridesmaid and enjoy the day. If I'd waited out age gap would have been 4+ years and I would have missed out on paid maternity leave.

So I would say go for it, we had a fab day and my sister thanked me for making it so special. And it was lovely to be pampered for a day! And I wouldn't have my DD if I'd waited. Good luck.

RightBuggerforGOLD · 04/10/2012 13:08

No fuckers wedding would get in the way of having a baby, that's ridiculous! No reason you couldnt be pregnant or have a baby and still be involved on the day anyway. You would be mad to base how many children you have and when on the fact that someone is planning a wedding on a certain day.

bubalou · 04/10/2012 13:21

huh?

Not gonna lie - find this slightly odd. I would still be my sisters bridesmaid / maid of honour - even if baby was a week old - I wouldn't miss it.

Try and make the decision - completely taking the wedding out of the picture - not to be harsh but weddings are cancelled / postponed every day, imagine putting off having another DC for them to break up a week b4 the wedding.

Really hope they don't by the way!

Bumblequeen · 04/10/2012 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

3monkeys3 · 04/10/2012 14:42

I'm glad people don't think it would be selfish - that was actually the response I was expecting, hence the disclaimer at the start of my OP! I bet if I asked on a wedding planning forum I'd get a totally different response! We have lots to think about - it isn't just the wedding.

OP posts:

Flip