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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

IABU but need a rant

43 replies

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 16:38

We live in LA, yup our choice, nobody forced us to, it's alright, having a nice enough time I guess.

Since we've been here friends and family have visited, we've been really clear that we would love to have people stay as long as they like but appreciate it's a long way to go and they might want more holiday for their mileage so friends particularly tend to fly in, stay a few days, road trip to SanFran/Vegas/wherever then spend the last few days with us (never enough time though for me!)

We have had I think 4 friends now who have taken holidays to California flown in and out of LA who we haven't seen at all - not even for a quick coffee. I am so upset and hurt and I know this is totally my issue because they're on holiday, they can do what they want with their time - but we live only a 20min drive from the airport, have always offered to pick people up (much cheaper to rent cars in the city than from the airport), just sad that they can travel so far then not make the last 20mins!!

Some of them aren't massively close but I just miss home a lot, and of course they're not to know that. But a close friend has just been to Vegas (ok, it's q 4hour drive or a 1hour flight), I would totally have offered to pay for her flight to visit us etc etc but only know she was even on my side of the world because of facebook and she told me "she really tried to come but just couldn't manage it in the end". Bollocks if you were really going to try to come then you would have said so in advance surely?

IABU but I don't care. Am sleep deprived and sad and miss my friends.

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 30/09/2012 16:45

Perhaps people are a bit scared to ask in case you think cheeky buggers after a free holiday!

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 16:49

Nooooooo we bang in and in about how much we want people to stay, open door policy, specifically renting a house with too to put up friends.

maybe it's the opposite!!

OP posts:

LadyJH · 30/09/2012 16:49

YANBU. They just aren't friends. Real friends would make an effort. Make some where you live and forget about them. And enjoy that sunshine

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 16:49

With too? With ROOM

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 16:51

Yeah maybe Lady....and some friends have made a huge effort (I appreciate it's a fair distance and a lot of money so we practically bankrupt ourselves everyone someone visits so it doesn't add to their expense), just particularly hurt by this recent close friend being in Vegas - which granted is only round the corner in American terms

OP posts:

NamesKerry · 30/09/2012 16:52

You're not being unreasonable. I'd be hurt too. I'd love a friends in LA. I'd holiday there all the time!

honeytea · 30/09/2012 16:54

Why didn't you do the flight up to see your friend when she was in vagas?

When people come to visit me in Sweden we do some days in Stockholm but then we tend to go skiing or to the country as I know they would like to see the country. I expect to put some time and money into holidaying with them rather than just expecting people to arive at my doorstep.

I think if you are that homesick you should move home.

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 16:59

You know what I'd have tried if I'd even known she was in the country! But I didn't - she just said on FB "had a fab time in Vegas" then when I asked when she was here just did a shit apology about how she'd tried to come and see us but couldn't manage it in the end.

And, as said, I do understand they come here for a holiday, not just to see me - and to be fair they probably don't want to spend their whole holiday with us as we have two small children, one of whom doesn't sleep through so not much of a holiday esp if you don't have children yourself! And we do plan tons of stuff when friends and family are here - I def don't expect people to just arrive on my doorstep!

Just sad/annoyed that they've come all this way then I don't get to see them.

We are going home, in a few years, and IAalsoBU because I have a few friends who were here last week, now up North and coming back this weekend, parents arriving next week, brother staying in November then we're home for Christmas. Just sleep deprived and tired and craving a good Sunday roast with friends who I can just call and say let's meet in town in a few hours.

Maybe I should just go drink mimosas and eat an egg white omlette

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 30/09/2012 17:00

It would honestly not occur to me to make a side trip to LA if I was holidaying in Vegas. Yes it might be 1 hour flight but it would be a whole day out of the holiday, plus the expense (she wasn't to know you'd pay) and anything her travelling companion wanted to do.

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 17:02

yeah you're right, that could be it. Except a) why then say you tried and b) she has just been touring as an actress, is very well travelled, has been to LA/Vegas before (before we lived here) and is Canadian so gets the big distance/small distance thing.

Maybe actually I'm more upset that she didn't say "I was in Vegas/will be in Vegas, really want to see you but just can't make it happen"...I know IABU, I know...

OP posts:

honeytea · 30/09/2012 17:03

You have loads of visitors planned, I am sure you will havea fab time with them!

Secondsop · 30/09/2012 17:04

OP it sounds like you are really hospitable and keen to have visitors, but sometimes people go on holiday to spend time together as a couple/family and don't want to visit friends, however lovely the friends are. It sounds like at least some of your feelings are motivated by you missing home and desperately wanting to see people, which is perfectly understandable when you've moved so far away, but that people who fly into LA aren't placing the same importance on meeting up because that is not why they are there, and it means more to you to see someone from home than it does to them to see someone from home when they're in LA. Not saying that they are bad friends who don't adore you but they just don't see it in the same way.

I wonder if they know how much you're missing home. When I've been abroad to places where friends lived, I haven't always arranged to meet them because, to be honest, the holiday planning itself has got in the way when I've chosen a place because I want to see that particular place, but if I knew a friend badly needed to see a familiar face
I would have made more of an effort.

Another thing worth noting is that people sometimes have their own holiday practices which may seem nuts to you but are their way of managing their holiday. Eg I'm still so scarred from spending ENTIRE holidays to my parents' home country having to trek to one set of relatives after another having the same conversation at each house and for the visits to take up the entire holiday as everyone says "I can't believe you would come and not visit us", we are now very strict about saying "we're here for a holiday together without any responsibilities and where our time is our own, so no visits this time I'm afraid".

Yokel · 30/09/2012 17:06

I feel for you OP but I think YABU. Holiday is holiday, visiting is visiting. I have often gone on holiday to bits of Europe where friends live and not mentioned it to them - because I'd feel like a day spent visiting was a day of my holiday wasted. Granted, I am a shit friend.

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 17:11

I think you're all right (glad you agree with me BU!), I think I'm just particularly sensitive because I'd go out of my way to see a friend who lived on the other side of the world if I happened to be there too.

But as I said I do have lovely friends who are really making the most of us being here to have a holiday which saves them a bit of money while they stay with us, means they get to see fun LA rather than the shit tourist side of it, so I am lucky really.

And we're planning a trip to Seoul next year - I never would have normally thought of going to South Korea but have friends who've just moved there also desperate for visitors and have children our children's ages, and I understand the need/wish to have visitors from home. And handily it's only over the Pacific Ocean , and in fact we're trying to factor in a cheap trip to Japan as part of the overall trip as we have friends there too...

OP posts:

RandallPinkFloyd · 30/09/2012 17:11

Oh, who cares if you're being unreasonable or not OP.

You're obviously felling sad and a bit hurt, tbh I probably would be too. Of course it was your choice to move but that doesn't mean it was an easy one.

I think a lot of the time people just don't think. I have a friend who lives a 4 hour drive away and plenty of our friends have never gone to visit her in 7 years.

She comes here as often as possible as her mum is still here too but it's amazing the amount of people who "don't manage to see her" even though she can be here for a week at a time.

I know how much it upsets her but she'd never say anything. She's very happy where she lives but it doesn't mean she doesn't miss her friends.

People who are lucky enough to have friends around them all the time often take it for-granted. They're not being intentionally nasty they just have no concept loneliness.

It doesn't help I know OP but honestly it really won't be intentional. Have a good old moan about it and let off some steam, you'll feel better afterwards!

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 17:12

Thanks Randall exactly what I needed!

OP posts:

CaliforniaLeaving · 30/09/2012 17:13

Im a lot father north of you, and in all my years here, only my Mother has visited, none of our friends could really afford a vacation to visit us here, and they always do cheaper European hols closer to home. I would too if I were them.
So even if you offer, don't expect many to take you up on it, and watch as you may find the same people coming again and again using you as a free hotel (I've seen complaints of that on BritishExpats.com)
Dh and I are in the middle of getting ready for the move back and everyone we know in UK seems thrilled to bit, so maybe we'll actually get to see our friends after all.
Pity the ones who go to Vegas don't let you know so you could meet up there, I'd have done the driving or flown to Vegas to see my friends. But school schedules get in the way sometimes.
In a couple weeks I'm meeting up in San Francisco with family, only overnight but thats fine by me.

TidyGOLDDancer · 30/09/2012 17:14

OP, can I be your friend?

cheesesarnie · 30/09/2012 17:29

op you sound lovely and like a fantastic friend.

for you.

Original poster

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 30/09/2012 17:31

I'm just a very needy friend!!

Maybe I'll just set up a MN meetup and you can all come here to keep me company

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 30/09/2012 17:40

I'll be there in a jiffy!

RandallPinkFloyd · 30/09/2012 17:49

ooh, pick me pick me!

Seriously, my friends all live within a 10 mile radius and I still get needy if they don't come and see me

I'm a LP so can't do most of the things they all do as none of them has kids yet, I have to rely on them coming here.

A few weeks ago a friend said she was going to pop round for the evening. She text late afternoon to say another friend was going to see a band so she was going to go with them instead and would pop round another time.

I cried what an utter twat

TidyGOLDDancer · 30/09/2012 17:55

I asked first!

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 30/09/2012 18:03

My family regularly travel to within a few minutes drive of us and don't bother letting us know, let alone bothering their bollocks to make a visit.

It's hurtful but they seem to think its acceptable.

I'll come and visit if you want

RuleBritannia · 30/09/2012 18:03

Could your friends have been on a package holiday that made visiting you impossible with the schedule?

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