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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to just up and leave?

25 replies

danielleintheskywithdiamonds · 29/09/2012 23:13

I have been with my partner for 9 years, I have a 16 year old son who lives with us and he has a dd and a ds 17 and 19 who live between their mums and our house. Dp is divorced and had to start again living in a shared house, we met not long afterwards and he moved into my rented house with me while he saved up a deposit to buy somewhere close to his children. This all took over a year and it was decided that me and my son would move in with him.

So I left my rented house and moved in, we all get on well we've had our ups and downs of course but we're generally a happy family.

Problem is 9 years on and we are not married, I'm not on the mortgage, my partner doesn't even have a will so ultimately I'm lodging in his house. I've been nagging him for the past four years to sort out the mortgage or at least make a will but he puts it off and makes excuses. I've even threatened to leave but he's still done nothing about it.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 29/09/2012 23:15

Why do you think he's stalling?

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2012 23:17

Do you contribute financially to the mortgage/household?

Original poster

danielleintheskywithdiamonds · 29/09/2012 23:22

I'm a nurse I don't earn as much as he he sorts all the bills and I make a contribution each month.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 29/09/2012 23:41

So yes you are a lodger and he isn't that bothered if you stay or go. You gave up a rented flat to move in so no different (unless was a very secure lease)

So decide what you want. If it is a nice arrangement then stay.

If not then go and start up anew life without him. You could consult a lawyer but ultimately as you not married you won't have much right to the property . If he dies does he want you to be chucked out ?

Goldmandra · 30/09/2012 00:28

Make an appointment for the pair of you to go and speak to a solicitor to make wills and sort out getting your name on the deeds of the house. If he refuses to come to the appointment you will know exactly where you stand. If he goes and it all gets sorted there will be no problem any more.

fait · 30/09/2012 05:18

OK - scenario. He makes a will and leaves you the house. He dies. You get the house that he has bought and is paying for. You remarry (for example). You die and HIS house goes to someone else. His children get nothing ...

Put yourself in his shoes. I know damn well that if I ever get to that stage again, I will do
everything in my power to ensure that MY child gets everything I have worked for throughout my life and not the family of someone else.

He ought to tell you though. At the moment (to me) you sound like you are a bit money grabbing. And I am sure that is not the case. If you work full time, there must be enough money for you to get a small apartment somewhere in the UK which you can rent out.

To be honest, you went into the relationship with nothing so why should he give you what rightfully belongs to his children?

If you put your name on the deeds of the house you will have to pay stamp duty. Do you want him to pay that as well?

redexpat · 30/09/2012 08:02

Fait are you serious? She is contributing to the household. She says she gives a contribution each month, admitedly less than what he pays, but she earns less. Is it proportional? I'm guessing that she also does the majority of the unpaid domestic labour. She allowed him to live at hers in order to save up the deposit. Why does his house rightfully belong to his children when she's theone who has enabled him to buy? Your reasoning is how women get totally fucked. If his children inherit the home then they can evict their stepmother and step brother. She didnt come into the relationship with nothing, she came in with her rented home which was in her name!

OP you are absolutely right. If he dies you will be left with nothing. Protect yourself from homelessness. I am sure Worra will be back to say what I have but more eloquently.

Leftwingharpie · 30/09/2012 08:10

Fait the problem with the current setup is that OP is being denied the opportunity to make her own investment in property because their arrangement ties all her money up to contribute to his mortgage. It is her DC who is in danger of being left with nothing. They should look at either selling up and buying together with the property owned as tenants in common in proportions relative to what they each put in (or whatever they agree is fair) or OP should be able to buy into the existing house on that basis.

redexpat · 30/09/2012 08:12

There you go, leftwing beat worra to it.

margerykemp · 30/09/2012 08:20

What was the agreement when you originally moved in?

He is being very unfair.

Is he trying to protect his DC's right to inherit?

Does he want you to have the house if he dies? Is there much equity in it?

IvanaHumpalot · 30/09/2012 09:44

www.firstrungnow.com/joint-ownership/joint-tenancy-tenants-in-common.aspx

You could become tenants in common - and split the property proportionally with each owner able to will their portion to their DCs. You can then make provision for the remaining partner (after death of the other partner) to remain in the house till they die. Thereby stopping Step DCs from forcing a house sale.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be left in the same financial situation as before should something go wrong with this relationship. However, you shouldn't be punished financially.

It is only fair and equitable for you to have a stake in the property as you enabled him to save up a deposit and now contribute to the cost of the house/running the house. You and you DC are in a weak financial position.

whois · 30/09/2012 10:19

What Leftwingharpie said

Toombs · 30/09/2012 10:43

Leave the bastard.

fait · 30/09/2012 10:51

OK - and if it were the other way around, you would say that everything she has worked for and is paying for (with very little contribution) should be potentially removed from her child to inherit?

You guys do what you like - my DS will be getting everything I have worked for over the years - it will NOT be going to potnetially (depending on remarriage etc) some complete stranger!

Where is it written that a woman should take priority over a man's existing family?

He hasn't married here - so presumably doesn't want to commit as much as she wants to. She doesn't say she is madly inlove and talks about leaving if she is not put on the deeds or in his will. Speaks bloody volumes.

How is that getting her "totally fucked". She went in with nothing and still has nothing (although could have saved shed load of money had she wanted to.

Stand on your own two feet, owe no one (apart from the mortgage company) anything and only be with a man because you love him. Not because you want a piece of his house.

fait · 30/09/2012 10:52

That should say "he hasn't married her" not "here"!

fait · 30/09/2012 10:56

My ex OH (btw) married, paid for the house, had to give half to his wife, married again, finished paying for the house, she ran off with a friend and he had to pay her half - when we met I moved in with him and when he died everything went to his daughter - rightfully so. I lived there with no mortgage and just paid for food, clothing, holidays. I did not see why I should walk away with more than I started apart from increased savings due to not having been paying rent or mortgage for seven years.

At the time, several people said I should hve claimed (it was a big house and his daughter is now incredibly wealthy for a 24 year old). But he worked hard for HIS family - and I don't think deserved to steal something from them which is what it would have felt like. Yes, I did the housework, but big deal! He did the garden and the decorating, fixed the car and did most of the driving!

flutesgolden · 30/09/2012 11:14

It depends on what you want in the long run. If your name isn't on the mortgage and you want it to be then sit down and tell him. Also make definate plans to do it and don't leave it open ended. If he fails to do this but you don't want to leave then you need to tell him that you will be contributing less as you need to put x amount away for your dc future.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2012 11:24

fait
You do what my father did.
My stepmother lived in the house for as long as she was able - nearly 20 years - until dementia meant she couldn't.
The house was sold and the proceeds split between his children and her. Fair enough, she looked after and loved him through their marriage.
The children had to wait.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2012 11:26

Oh - and I say that from a postion of not getting on with her or her family.
Still think it was fair. And had she not had dementia, she'd be living there still.

poopnscoop · 30/09/2012 11:27

'It is only fair and equitable for you to have a stake in the property as you enabled him to save up a deposit and now contribute to the cost of the house/running the house. You and you DC are in a weak financial position.'

I agree with Ivana. He wins, you lose.

You are no doubt playing an important role in his kids lives too, having been with him for NINE years. If he isn't wanting marriage after so long with you, I'd be concerned.

StuntGirl · 30/09/2012 11:34

I actually don't see the mariage as the biggest issue, some people don't believe in marriage. My partner and I aren't going to get married, it's a choice we've made together, but in the OP's position I would definitely, definitely have a will drawn up to ensure my partner had as equal rights as a married partner as possible. To risk leaving your family in such an unsure position after your death is unthinkable to me.

fait · 30/09/2012 11:38

But where does the OP ever mention her OH in any terms apart from wanting his money and his house. She says should she leave if she doesn't get those things. She does mention loving him, wanting to be with him or any of the "normal" things in a relationship.

Clearly she just wants a payout. Nice.

fait · 30/09/2012 11:39

Is your contribution equivalent to what you used to pay as rent, council tax, electricity etc? I bet it is not - in which case save the bloody money whilst you can and be thankful for it.

RuleBritannia · 30/09/2012 11:43

IvanaHumpaALot

That's what I did. When my DH moved in, he bought a share of the house enabling me to pay off the mortgage. He'd never heard of Tenants in Common but, because I was in the legal world, I was able to describe it to him. When it came to Wills, he was pleased to be able to leave his share of the house to his two DDs and a life interest in the house to me. He has a life interest if I die first.

ChaoticismyLife · 30/09/2012 11:53

Why should the OP stay where she and her DC are in an insecure position?

fait you mention that the OP's DP wants to make sure that his children are secure...fair enough. However, the OP is currently in an insecure position, as is her DC, so if making herself and her DC financially secure means her moving out then why shouldn't she? Surely she and her DC have as much right to be financially secure as her DP and his children?

OP you enabled your DP to save for a deposit so now I think he should do the same for you by you living there on the same 't&c' as he was living with you. That way if he doesn't want to legalise things or do anything that will make you financially secure then you will have the chance to do so yourself.

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