to feel excluded

[lizzy31]

I am ( I thought )part of a baby group. A group of 6 of us met, get on well, kids and us meet up etc.
They can be a bit bitchy towards 1 of the current group and they have already see an old member off. I always thought i was ok - until tonight.
On facebook I saw that 4 of them had got together socially and excluded me and the other member.
I nearly texted one of them to ask if i have upset them etc. My partner says don't bother about it.

Any advice welcome!
My child enjoys being wtih their children so it puts me in a quandry

This happened with a rather larger group I was part of. Luckily the main part of them excluded three of us at about the same time - we were the ones who had failed to completely give up alcohol and had a relaxed attitude towards disinfecting everything in sight. So me and friend A and friend B formed a splinter group. All our babies are at secondary school now, but we're still mates.

I would take what I wanted from the group (DC enjoying seeing the other children/occasional night out) and stay well out of the rest of the crap.

Don't text asking if you've upset them, it'll show them you're bothered by the games they're playing.

If they haven't had the balls to say anything to your face you don't have to worry about it.

It's not nice feeling excluded and wondering whether other people are thinking shitty things about you, but by the sounds of it it's not you it's them.

Your DP is talking sense.

Fuck em! It's hard to take but it's life I'm afraid, the worlds full of people go find some ones who appreciate you.

Thanks for the quick replies.
feeling better

Is there one you feel closer to than the others who you could go out for a coffee with?

It wouldn't look like you're snubbing the others if it's just one person.

Don't text them your DH is right, you would just look like a stalker and just give them something to talk about.

Don't take it too much to heart... as AgentZ says, use the group for the good you do get from it and meanwhile spend time with other friends or work on making new ones.

How old are your DC?

Well be glad your well shot of a vacuous and superficial group of people

first borns are nearly 4 and we're getting into 2nd borns now. Had thought we were ok.
will start making more effort with other 'excluded' member! She's really nice

That is a good idea to reach out to the other one excluded. And if first borns are nearly 4, you'll soon be meeting a new load of potential 'mum friends' via nursery / school, so hopefully you'll find a few good ones there.

Also, as your children start school, they'll make new friends there and won't need the interaction with baby group friends quite so much.

Also, once eldest is at school / nursery, you can perhaps do more activities with the younger one and meet people that way? ( Depends on whether / how much you work of course, I realise if you're working a 60 hour week this will be difficult!)

You probably are all OK with the group, maybe they just happened to arrange something and just didn't remember to include you, rather than deliberately excluding you.

'will start making more effort with other 'excluded' member! She's really nice '

Excellent, you can snowball the others who get excluded until the one who's instigating it is left on her own

Definitely time for new friends. The exact same thing happened to me when DS1 was about 8 months. I deleted all of their contacts. Twas extremely liberating.

I was part of a group of 4 from an NCT class (I know, we were a very small group). I am still in touch with one of them 12 years later, but the other two I have not seen for 10 years. We were forced toghether through circumstance and then gravitated towards the ones we really liked.

Contact the other 'excluded' person and move on.

It's a shame when this happens, as most people join a group like this for the support of others in the same boat and this behaviour makes the one left out feel worse. My DD had reflux badly which meant socialising was hard work and we ended up getting a bit sidelined at that stage. We still see the other group members and get on well but I have to bite my tongue when all the smug 'my child is your child's bestest friend' comments start. It's inevitable I guess that some of the group/partners/kids kind of click more than others and once the group start having second children some group members bond more during second mat leaves I've found. I wouldn't waste time on texting though, go out and find some better mates.

You've been wendyed!

What's being wendyed MrsH?

It sounds painful.

As the person who was originally wended I'd say you definitely have been!

Wendyed not wended

I'd ring up the other ousted one to go out with. They sound horrid.

I have to say, the only thing to think about with regards to ringing the ousted person would be be prepared for her not to be interested. If one of the 'friends' from the group that all turned on me suddenly started contacting me I wouldn't be too pleased to hear from her and certainly wouldn't want to meet up with her as at the time no one else stuck up for me or bothered to maintain their friendship with me.

Not saying you did this, OP, but might be something to think about before you do contact her.

I think I would have left the first time they excluded anyone. Sound nasty to me.

You're better off without them. Glad you're going to get in touch with the nice one who got excluded!

As someone said earlier on - it's a group of people who happen to have had a baby at around the same time, some 4 years ago. You meet for the children to play, surely ? Previously to offer each other a bit of support through this strange new world of parenting ? I don't understand the expectation that this should then extend to you all being joined at the hip, and that none of the group can go out without the others. That sounds like the worry of a 13 yr old with low self esteem, not a grown woman.

Backforgood, I think there's a difference between a few group members going out together, and all the group going out together and excluding the OP, when she is part of the group. I think that's a bit unfair of them tbh. But they don't sound like very nice women, I think OP is well rid of them.

You say that the children are nearly 4. Do you think that choice of pre-school or school is separating you out in as much that you will be going separate ways soon enough anyway. it naturally happens that it is easier to stay in touch with the parents of kids who go to the same places as yours.
Do their kids share any activities that yours don't or do they have all boys who play together. It may not be about you at all but different outside dynamics. I met loads of nice people in the baby days, but only a few are still my friends now, years later because both they and I had different priorities and lives.